[MJB124]

So I know there is a lot of this one here... people that just don't feel "right" and I guess that's what brings me here too. I'm kind of on a struggling path where I'm trying to figure myself out and find happiness and peace.

So a little back ground on me... I'm almost 30. I'm and ICU RN at a major hospital and I'm also a graduate student and will be finishing up my nurse practitioner in may. I was diagnosed with ADHD at probably about age 7 and my parents didn't believe in medications, so I was never really treated... But I grew up working 50 times as hard to be able to keep up with my peers. Once my high school math teacher asked me if I ever had heard of a disorder called "ADD" once while I was staying after for extra help, and I got really annoyed.

Now, looking at me from the outside, you'd think I'm doing pretty well. I'm a navy veteran, nurse, grad student. My resume looks pretty good. I nail interviews... I've always felt kind of different, but over the last 4 or 5 years... it's become really noticeable. People just tell me I "act different"... I've been accused of acting like I don't like people or isolate myself. That I don't act like part of the team. I've been told I don't communicate well and that people can't read me and don't know how I'm feeling. Once someone even described me as having a "flat" affect. I've had people complain that they don't feel like I'm listening to them or processing what they're saying. It makes me feel like I'm not smart, that people don't like me, that I don't fit in. None of those behaviors I've describes are anything I do purposefully or even know that I'm doing... but people seem to pick up quickly that there's something off with me. I never thought there was before, but now I'm starting to feel like I went into the wrong field or not capable of doing this job. People who know me well wouldn't describe me like this either. I tend to shy away from large groups and crowds. I hate being the center of attention (now, I loved it as a kid)... but one on one with someone or in a small group I'm comfortable, chatty, and funny.

Another thing that makes me feel like I'm different is how and who I attach to. I'm a fairly attractive girl... before my last relationship I went on a lot of dates... for years... I had put together men, lawyers, teachers, and engineers, that were interested in me... and I turned them down. But, then who do I end up dating? An alcoholic chef who was divorced from his ex wife from cheating and i'm 95% sure he has borderline personality disorder. His alcoholism is pretty severe too. He ended up being the most serious relationship I had. We dated for two years before the drinking caused too much stress for me to handle and eventually i just completely flipped and kicked him out... since then, I've been suffering so much grief. It's been 6 months since we broke up and I still cry. I joined al anon groups to try to get through steps of recovery. I've tried to learn everything I can about alcoholism. I miss him and offer support and help continuously. I'm kind of obsessive over it. I get emotional and anxious whenever I have patients who are addicts... clearly not coping well with the whole situation and I recognize none of this is normal.

I started strattera 60 mg almost a year ago for my ADHD... it seems to have helped with the cloudiness I had in my head but not too much more. I started Zoloft 50mg in september to try to help with any depression or anxiety. It seems to help a little but sometimes i miss doses due to side effects of fatigue or stomach aches.

Any thoughts or input would be appreciative because at this point i just want to feel normal or at least be able to make the best of my abnormalities.

[Gojamadar]

Hi,
What you describe is a mild form of aspergers syndrome or something similar.
I lived with it for more than 60 years before I realised I had it. Still people treated me well, both at work and in my relationships.
Do you own thing and disregard chatter.

[Ocean Swimmer]

Some people regardless of their symptoms do better having one or two close friends.
Sorry you're suffering so much after the break up. Imo you made the right choice.
You've got everything going for you.
I got involved with a person who thought he had a coke addiction licked. He didn't. 6 months into the relationship he started using again. It was very destructive.
One of my most painful break ups too.
It seemed the hurt would never go away.
I understand what you're going through.
You are a wonderful person and deserve a better match.
Keep posting.

[BrazenApogee]

My T says "Normal is a setting on a washing machine," humans are healthy or not healthy. I have similar problems to what you describe, however, I know mine are from trauma. My T helps me understand how to better relate with people, and how to learn about emotions. Maybe a good T could help you.

[katydid777]

Originally Posted by MJB124

So I know there is a lot of this one here... people that just don't feel "right" and I guess that's what brings me here too. I'm kind of on a struggling path where I'm trying to figure myself out and find happiness and peace.

So a little back ground on me... I'm almost 30. I'm and ICU RN at a major hospital and I'm also a graduate student and will be finishing up my nurse practitioner in may. I was diagnosed with ADHD at probably about age 7 and my parents didn't believe in medications, so I was never really treated... But I grew up working 50 times as hard to be able to keep up with my peers. Once my high school math teacher asked me if I ever had heard of a disorder called "ADD" once while I was staying after for extra help, and I got really annoyed.

Now, looking at me from the outside, you'd think I'm doing pretty well. I'm a navy veteran, nurse, grad student. My resume looks pretty good. I nail interviews... I've always felt kind of different, but over the last 4 or 5 years... it's become really noticeable. People just tell me I "act different"... I've been accused of acting like I don't like people or isolate myself. That I don't act like part of the team. I've been told I don't communicate well and that people can't read me and don't know how I'm feeling. Once someone even described me as having a "flat" affect. I've had people complain that they don't feel like I'm listening to them or processing what they're saying. It makes me feel like I'm not smart, that people don't like me, that I don't fit in. None of those behaviors I've describes are anything I do purposefully or even know that I'm doing... but people seem to pick up quickly that there's something off with me. I never thought there was before, but now I'm starting to feel like I went into the wrong field or not capable of doing this job. People who know me well wouldn't describe me like this either. I tend to shy away from large groups and crowds. I hate being the center of attention (now, I loved it as a kid)... but one on one with someone or in a small group I'm comfortable, chatty, and funny.

Another thing that makes me feel like I'm different is how and who I attach to. I'm a fairly attractive girl... before my last relationship I went on a lot of dates... for years... I had put together men, lawyers, teachers, and engineers, that were interested in me... and I turned them down. But, then who do I end up dating? An alcoholic chef who was divorced from his ex wife from cheating and i'm 95% sure he has borderline personality disorder. His alcoholism is pretty severe too. He ended up being the most serious relationship I had. We dated for two years before the drinking caused too much stress for me to handle and eventually i just completely flipped and kicked him out... since then, I've been suffering so much grief. It's been 6 months since we broke up and I still cry. I joined al anon groups to try to get through steps of recovery. I've tried to learn everything I can about alcoholism. I miss him and offer support and help continuously. I'm kind of obsessive over it. I get emotional and anxious whenever I have patients who are addicts... clearly not coping well with the whole situation and I recognize none of this is normal.

I started strattera 60 mg almost a year ago for my ADHD... it seems to have helped with the cloudiness I had in my head but not too much more. I started Zoloft 50mg in september to try to help with any depression or anxiety. It seems to help a little but sometimes i miss doses due to side effects of fatigue or stomach aches.

Any thoughts or input would be appreciative because at this point i just want to feel normal or at least be able to make the best of my abnormalities.

Embrace your difference, this is what makes us who we are. As long as you are comfortable with who you are, no one has a right to question it. These ppl may have problems of there own that they don't face, so they find fault with others. Look inside your self, and if you are happy with you, then it doesn't matter what others think.

[MickeyCheeky]

Normal doesn't exist.. you're beatiful the way you are, with all your abnormalities

[eyesclosed]

Did your PCP give you the meds ? You should always go too a counselor or talk therapist first . Family doctors are trained too address the symptom with a drug. If you want to know the cause talking to a trained talk therapist is better than a pill. The meds u r taking are addictive and only treat the symptom much like a alcoholic does. Maybe you both later will go together.

[MJB124]

Originally Posted by eyesclosed

Did your PCP give you the meds ? You should always go too a counselor or talk therapist first . Family doctors are trained too address the symptom with a drug. If you want to know the cause talking to a trained talk therapist is better than a pill. The meds u r taking are addictive and only treat the symptom much like a alcoholic does. Maybe you both later will go together.

I was prescribed them by my psychiatrist. Strattera and zoloft are not addictive drugs and I'm on relatively low doses of them both

[rwwff]

Originally Posted by MJB124

I was prescribed them by my psychiatrist. Strattera and zoloft are not addictive drugs and I'm on relatively low doses of them both

People sometimes confuse the words "addictive" and "dependence". Dependency isn't all that bad, you just have to be gentle on start up and taper down. Addiction is the nasty sucker that makes you willing to do humiliating things inorder to get a "hit". Benzo's are addictive, SSRI's have create some dependence.

[SearchingforMe]

Hi, I was only diagnosed as ADD as an adult, even though I showed signs of it as a child, I was just called a "daydreamer" and "absentminded". My parents used to say I would lose my head if it wasn't attached. I remember that horrible feeling I would get when I forgot something important. Every once in a while, even though I am on Adderall XR, I still experience that dreaded feeling of having goofed up royally, and struggle with my self esteem.
But, not knowing how long you have been on the Zoloft, sometimes it takes awhile for the medications to work. I don't know if Zoloft is one of those medications that has to build up in your system a little bit in order to really see if it is working. Also, I used to take Strattera and I didn't like the side effects, and it could be that another antidepressant or another ADHD med might help. You would know better than me, with your medical background, I'm sure. Obviously you would only want to change one medication at a time.
As far as being different, I know that feeling. Lately, I am realizing how many times people at work would get together, and I would not be invited. I was invited to certain events, but not to the more impromptu social get togethers. I wondered why I was not invited. I think I just do not pick up on social cues that others do. Also, I am going to go get checked out for central auditory processing disorder soon, which creates a gap in my ability to socialize at times. I thought it was my hearing for a long time, that was the problem, but a few years ago I went to an audiologist and got my hearing tested and they said my hearing was fine, I should see a neurologist. Well, of course, I didn't go, because I really didn't want anyone messing with my brain, and didn't want to know if there was something more wrong with it. After all, my doctor and some therapists and a psychiatrist have all diagnosed me as bipolar, ADHD, and generalized anxiety disorder. But now, when I have realized, from my husband's observation- if he says something and I respond with "what?" because I didn't understand what he said, thinking I didn't hear it, and he says nothing, I will sometimes realize what he said a few beats later. I don't know if that is central auditory processing disorder, but that was one thing that happens to keep me from relating with others. I feel much more comfortable one on one with people, and I think they notice that, too. Because I don't always get the jokes, because I can't make sense of them in a room with everyone talking at once, or music in the background. I feel on the outside of everything and don't know how to participate. Lately, I have noticed that even when I am listening, paying attention with all my might to my husband talking to me, I STILL do not understand what he just said. The sounds I can hear, but making sense of them is just not happening.
I think my anxiety and my ADHD and my processing issue are all combining to make it difficult to interact with other people. I have read a lot of ADHD books and articles and have noticed that social cues and having good relationships can be challenging for someone with ADHD. I don't know if that is your issue, but I do know that wanting to be "normal" is not really the best goal to have when you have ADHD or any mental difference. There are so many people with different issues in this world, that who really knows what "normal" is. I think, if you try to work with a counselor on learning about social cues and realize that you are special, just the way you are, and learn to love and accept yourself with all of your differences, then wanting to be "like everybody else" will not be your goal, anymore. You have wonderful skills to help people in your profession, and you can get beyond these communication issues, and other people not being able to "read" you is not your problem. I don't know why they feel the need to read you, in the first place! This may reflect on their insecurities because you don't fit into a mold. Just tell them that you will let them know if you are upset about anything and otherwise to take what you say at face value. What are they expecting you to say when they tell you they do not understand you and cannot read you? Have you asked them? Tell them that you are working on the problem, if you feel like it, and if not, say "I'm sorry you feel that way".
Anyway, I hope this helps, and either way, I wish you the best in this issue. But I wouldn't take these comments so seriously that you rethink your profession. Before I read that you were on Zoloft, it was obvious that the breakup with your boyfriend has resulted in depression. Hopefully a counselor can also help you process your grief surrounding that issue, also.
Take care!

[alwaysin6thgear]

Originally Posted by MJB124

So I know there is a lot of this one here... people that just don't feel "right" and I guess that's what brings me here too. I'm kind of on a struggling path where I'm trying to figure myself out and find happiness and peace.

So a little back ground on me... I'm almost 30. I'm and ICU RN at a major hospital and I'm also a graduate student and will be finishing up my nurse practitioner in may. I was diagnosed with ADHD at probably about age 7 and my parents didn't believe in medications, so I was never really treated... But I grew up working 50 times as hard to be able to keep up with my peers. Once my high school math teacher asked me if I ever had heard of a disorder called "ADD" once while I was staying after for extra help, and I got really annoyed.

Now, looking at me from the outside, you'd think I'm doing pretty well. I'm a navy veteran, nurse, grad student. My resume looks pretty good. I nail interviews... I've always felt kind of different, but over the last 4 or 5 years... it's become really noticeable. People just tell me I "act different"... I've been accused of acting like I don't like people or isolate myself. That I don't act like part of the team. I've been told I don't communicate well and that people can't read me and don't know how I'm feeling. Once someone even described me as having a "flat" affect. I've had people complain that they don't feel like I'm listening to them or processing what they're saying. It makes me feel like I'm not smart, that people don't like me, that I don't fit in. None of those behaviors I've describes are anything I do purposefully or even know that I'm doing... but people seem to pick up quickly that there's something off with me. I never thought there was before, but now I'm starting to feel like I went into the wrong field or not capable of doing this job. People who know me well wouldn't describe me like this either. I tend to shy away from large groups and crowds. I hate being the center of attention (now, I loved it as a kid)... but one on one with someone or in a small group I'm comfortable, chatty, and funny.

Another thing that makes me feel like I'm different is how and who I attach to. I'm a fairly attractive girl... before my last relationship I went on a lot of dates... for years... I had put together men, lawyers, teachers, and engineers, that were interested in me... and I turned them down. But, then who do I end up dating? An alcoholic chef who was divorced from his ex wife from cheating and i'm 95% sure he has borderline personality disorder. His alcoholism is pretty severe too. He ended up being the most serious relationship I had. We dated for two years before the drinking caused too much stress for me to handle and eventually i just completely flipped and kicked him out... since then, I've been suffering so much grief. It's been 6 months since we broke up and I still cry. I joined al anon groups to try to get through steps of recovery. I've tried to learn everything I can about alcoholism. I miss him and offer support and help continuously. I'm kind of obsessive over it. I get emotional and anxious whenever I have patients who are addicts... clearly not coping well with the whole situation and I recognize none of this is normal.

I started strattera 60 mg almost a year ago for my ADHD... it seems to have helped with the cloudiness I had in my head but not too much more. I started Zoloft 50mg in september to try to help with any depression or anxiety. It seems to help a little but sometimes i miss doses due to side effects of fatigue or stomach aches.

Any thoughts or input would be appreciative because at this point i just want to feel normal or at least be able to make the best of my abnormalities.

Although you've done very well career wise I think you are just now suffering from the real affects off ADD. The anxiety,depression, self-esteem, emotions that go undetected or ignored when you were younger. As you get older one starts to understand themselves better, what you didn't notice as issues as a child they become more clear as an adult. You had to "try 50 times harder than everyone else just to keep up" I can't imagine the work that involved. The stress must have drove you close to the edge at times. I think you self esteem and self worth took a beating and now that you are at the level that you are your starting to pay the price. When you were younger your (this is just a guess) parents most likely really pushed you, a lot, the type of pushing that rips your self esteem and self worth apart, teachers probably were part of this. And when I mean pushed, I mean the degrading name calling like, your lazy, stupid, unmotivated, your not trying, ect, ect, ect. Now you don't have someone hanging over you, pushing you, maybe your parents pushed you to careers that you really didn't care for, but did it anyways just to make them happy. What you are now experiencing are the real symptoms of ADD. I know all to much about low self esteem, self worth, isolation. I consider it a compliment when told I'm not normal, not like everyone else. Normal people bore me, however, trying to get through the day and function at a normal pace can be and is extremely difficult. You may have chosen the partner you did because he may have challenged you. The others who had professional careers may have seemed boring to you or you may not have felt you were worthy of being with someone who appeared more stable.
I think what you need to do is find a therapist who is experienced with adult ADD, someone who dedicates their practice in that area. I went undiagnosed for the 1st 38 years of my life, when I was a kid ADD didn't exist by name, basically my childhood was a living hell. Even though getting diagnosed when I did was a big weight off my shoulders and answered a lot of questions, the damage had been done. I have been spending the last 18 years trying to get my self esteem and self worth back, I wasn't surrounded by the type of people who taught me the tools that I needed to succeed. I was surrounded by people who did nothing but tell me I would never succeed, when family tells you that your done. There isn't a day that has gone by in the last 45 years (thats as far back as I can remember) that suicide didn't cross my mind. Although your dealing with some serious emotional issues due to ADD you do have a successful career. I would also see if trying different meds might change things. If your like me, brain is always in 6th gear, seems like you listening to 30 different TV shows at the same time, then you may need to try something stronger, like Ritalin or Adderall to slow it down so you can get through the day at a normal pace. You can still be yourself and function like everyone else, at least in your professional life.