[Keebler]

Ok, so I need some serious advice. I have been with my current bf for over a year now and while I have tolerated his outbursts and such, I just don't know how much more I can take. I am currently a Psychology major with my Bachelors in Child Psychology and am currently working on my Masters and have talked with several people about this subject yet nobody really knows what I should do. My bf has indicated that he was told by a doctor that he has ADHD when he was younger and he took medications to calm him down, but over the years he stopped taking it and does not have any intentions to speak to anyone about it or go back on medications.

I would never ask that he do anything that he does not wish do to, but it is getting to the point where his attitude and behavior is starting to affect our relationship and I don't know what to do about it. By this I mean that when he gets verbally abusive when he does not get an immediate response to a question when I am busy or when I remind him that he shouldn't order a new phone from online when he can't afford to pay for it. He seems to have a really hard time focusing on one thing at a time as for he is constantly up and down or in and out of the room. This is becoming really hard for me to deal with and is in a way frustrating because we can't even do something as simple as watch a 30 minute tv show without him constantly sending text messages to his friends, getting up and going to his computer to check his e-mail or even making a phone call. We have discussed this issue several times and I am very patient and understand that it is very difficult for him to sit still, but at the same time it seems any more as though he just automatically blames everything on his ADHD.

Does anybody have any suggestions as to how I might help him to control this or how I might better cope with things? I know that he doesn't want to take meds and I understand and respect his choice, but what can I do or is there anything I can do? I love him with all my heart but it seems as though we are drifting apart and never spend any quality time together.

[chaotic13]

Keebler,
You are in a tough spot. As I read your post two things came to my disordered mind.
1. ADHD or not you should NOT tolerate his verbal abuse. My H has his own mental issues and has a serious problem dishing out VB. I avoided addressing this issue and it continued to escalate until I realized one day that I had become depressed and withdrawn. When he was not able to get his power drain or whatever from abusing me he started directing his VB on our children. ADHD or not don't do this to yourself! Your bf is an adult and no matter what his dx is, he needs to find ways to control himself and treat other appropriately. The fact that he is not interested in taking medication or managing his symptoms in some other way and is instead simply blaming his ADHD suggests that he is not accepting responsibility for his actions. The orange caution flag should be waving in your head.

2. With your schooling I am sure it is tempting to feel like you need to help steer him in the right direction to better manage his symptoms. I simply caution you here. Did your bf specifically ask you to help him with his ADHD? If not, I would recommend that you decide if you can have a relationship with him the way he is. Then only give him suggestions when he asks for them. If you think he has a significant problem the encourage him to get treatment from another professional. It is his choice to get treatment; it's your choice to stay with him or not.

As an ADHD suffer myself if I put myself in your bf shoes I know how I might respond to you making even small suggestions on what I should be doing. I would likely get angry and defensive and say something like..."I AM NOT ONE OF YOUR PATIENTS! Stop analyzing me and telling me what I should and shouldn't do! Unless I asked for your help in managing my impulses, I would not be interested in hearing your suggestions. You bf may be totally different-- you mentioned that he was identified as having ADHD as a child, I was not. So our life experiences (and our response to outsiders) may be totally different.

All I can say is that I can be a bit challenging to deal with at times. I'm sure a lot of my relationship issues stem from my on going pre-frontal cortex malfunction...brain chemistry whatever.. My medication and therapy seems to help with that; but it doesn't totally eliminate the problem. In my case I think more of my interrelationship issues stem from how I was treated by others during childhood as a result of being a bit --off the beat and path. If you read some of the posts in this forum you will see that most ADHD sufferers not only face the challenges of dealing with their own brain functions, they face a lot of chronic criticism from others (parents, teachers, peers). As you've probably studied about in you coursework the latter is more subtle but can be much more profound. If your bf tends to be defensive and unwilling to discuss his symptoms with you, don't be offended. It likely has little to do with you and a lot to do with how he was treat by other in the past.

Sorry for the long response... I just recommend that you read as much as you can and try to appreciate what it is like for ADHD sufferers. Maybe do some self reflection of your own and determine what you can and cannot live with and communicate your needs directly. And finally, no matter how tempting it may be... do not attempt to treat him yourself.. refer him to an outside party and simply be supportive when asked by HIM.

I hope you continue to read and post here. It is good for us to get a glimpse of what the other side is having to deal with too.

[sunrise]

It sounds like his symptoms could be due to ADHD or maybe something else. I agree it is not a good idea to blame it all on ADHD, as that may not be the (only) problem. ADHD in adults often is associated with other problems. So an assessment by a professional might be helpful. If he wants to work on his anger, verbal abuse, etc., he could go to therapy. Or the both of you could go to couples therapy to learn better communication skills, explore how to make your relationship better, etc. In the course of this, his verbal abuse and anger would come up and the therapist could help with that. There may be things that come up about you too, and that is OK. Plus it would let him see that he is not the only one "to blame", it is not "all his fault", that he needs to be "fixed" whereas you are perfect, etc. Relationships are two way streets, so your entering therapy with him and being open to changes you can make yourself would be a good model for him.

If he has a goal to manage his ADHD without meds, he could go to a behavioral support group of others with ADHD, where people share coping strategies, behavioral modification ideas, support, etc., with a trained practitioner leading the group. Just because he doesn't want meds doesn't mean he doesn't have a problem anymore. So his first step might just be seeing he has a problem. Then he can explore non-medication options.

You could also look for a support group for yourself for loved ones of those with ADHD. You might learn some things to help you cope and help you help him better.

Good luck!

[Simcha]

Hi there.

I've read the other guys posts also, and they have some good points.
The bottom line is you should figure out how much of his behavior you are willing to put up with.

I would never be willing to put up with verbal abuse, or any other kind of abuse for that matter. Secondly, it isn't standard ADHD behavior to be verbally abusive.

I would also caution you on accepting what he said to you about being diagnosed with ADHD as a kid... and attributing his adult behaviors to untreated ADHD. It's obvious he doesn't want to take responsibility for what he knows is inappropriate.

You would save yourself the cycle of the abusive relationship if you stand your ground and have clear boundaries over what is and is not acceptable. Next time he is verbally abusive--- it's only a matter of time---you need to kick him to the curb and give him an ultimatum. I'd try to be preemptive though, and before the next big blowup, tell him to get checked out because his behavior is not normal.

Either way, ADHD or not, I think a decision is yours to make---- do you want to continue having him as your boyfriend if he is unwilling to make the needed changes? I would never settle for anything. If he loves you the same way you love him, he'd be willing to compromise. If he doesn't compromise, I'd run fast.