I've been reading more and more on ADHD, and I hate more and more my family for letting me turn out how I am today. I was diagnosed at 7 years old, and I accept that diagnosis, because my dad told me that when I was little, I was the living Devil himself... Clogging toilets, hitting people, manipulating, lying, throwing tantrums, eating everything, ignoring people, crying nonstop at night (dont think this is ADHD... it had something to do with all the nightmares of me dying, which were a LOT), and so many more uncontrollable things that I have no knowledge about.

So I was "possessed", according to how my dad described I was when i was small (these were some of the bad things only, I haven't mentioned any of the funny things i did), and I was taken to a psychologist and diagnosed with ADHD (along with an IQ of 139). I was told to take Ritalin for my ADHD, but my dad refused the treatment. He, instead, decided it was a better idea to hit me, throw me around, punch me everywhere, slap my face, yell at me, ground me, instead of actually trying to help me gain control of what I was doing, even at least a little consciousness! So he abused me physically and mentally, and thought it was a smarter idea! My mom never did anything to help me, she practically was nowhere to be seen at these moments, which were sometimes even many times in a day!

Whenever my dad came home from work, I cowered and hid wherever I could before he entered the house because I feared he would attack me again for something I didn't know I did! I also remember one time he was checking my notebooks from school in case I didn't do an assignment (he always hit me and yelled at me, even if he found one "zero" only in the whole notebook), I found myself out of the room, crying uncontrollably and praying to God and all the angels that my dad wouldn't hit me or yell at me, because I couldn't handle it. So much horror in my life when I was just a kid, and it continued afterwards, even while I was in college... But instead of physical abuse, he abuses me mentally, by doing the one thing I hate the most, which i have told him: asking me about my personal life, and personal information, in front of my family or a crowd. I ALWAYS burst out yelling at him to shut up, throwing things around, cursing at everything that moves, crying and blind with rage, and end up depressed and hiding, crying by myself , while my dad acts as if nothing happend and goes to hang out with my brothers.

So now I'm having lots of problems in my life, most involving uncalled-for anger, feelings of loneliness, sometimes even hallucinations of a sort, and the things i read in various different sites (this time http://www.add.org/) show that a child with untreated ADHD can suffer from a WIDE variety of things as he grows up... And me, a child with ADHD, untreated AND abused, am now suffering of who knows what I have (definitely some form of anxiety and depression, among other things), and all because of my family, for not being fully aware of what they were truly doing to me. Sure, the beatings, insults and screams might have shut me up then, but now what are they doing? I can assure you, they are not making my life better. I will NEVER forgive my ******* family, especially my ******* father. If I had the chance, I would even stoop so low as to hit him back, so I can shut him up and show him the whole spectrum of feelings he has created in me.

I am so angry right now... So full of hate... And I hate my ******* mood swings...

Edit: Why is there no "Homicidal" mood icon? >:O Not even angry describes how full of hate I am right now at everyone!
Edit2: My eyes feel like they're gonna pop out, since I'm holding back tears of rage. Why am I not crying or breaking stuff? I'm in a public area with lots of people around...

[Junerain]

It is terrible what they did to you, beyond terrible..

(((((((((Kewkky)))))))

You deserve. so much better, so much more, to be free, from anger

I listen to a Christian talk show entitled Hope in the Night, hosted by June Hunt, and she deals so much with people who have been mistreated, are angry, at their families, and even at God...

This what she says to callers who call in and have been hurt by those that are supposed to be, loving them...

............................FOR YOURSELF, TO BE FREE FROM THE ANGER AND HURT YOUR FAMILY CAUSED YOU, that is do this for yourself, no one else...forgive...don't reconcile but do forgive so you can move on and be free from anger, it is as if your family owes you a great deal of money for what they put you through, and for yourself stamp debt, forgiven on the huge, debt they owe you........do not make their problem be YOUR PROBLEM take their problem off your hook, your inner hook, and give them over to God, place their problems on God's hook, GOD WILL PUNISH YOUR FAMILY IN HIS OWN TIME AND WAY.............

Then you can, move on, with your life, as best as you can possibly, can, you owe it to yourself love Junerain

[katheryn]

my thoughts on how your life turnd out is you survived you are most probally a better more caring person, but this doesnt say what you went through was right no it wasnt
if your parent wont let up humilating you in front of others, try to ignore his question, and go to another topic by getting upset you are letting him win ,
to overcome the way you were treated is go get a proper diagnoises and threapy
overcomming this you will win and he will be the looser
(((((((((((((( Kewkky ))))))))))))

Thank you, Junerain, for the kind words. I am much more calm than when I wrote it, since I've pushed the feelings aside (yet again), so now I'm in control of my feelings again.

Katheryn, I do ignore his questions. In fact, I even change the conversations and avoid answering them (that is one thing my dad keeps getting angry at me about), but he insists on asking, and once the whole family starts asking the same question out of curiosity, the pressure of say something different other than "everything's fine, I'm doing good" intensifies, especially since there are now even more people who will not let me be, and want to know what the information I'm avoiding could be.

Weeks are so long these days... Tomorrow I have my 5th T session, and then a neurologist appointment. The sad thing is that this is taking so long, and the need to be done with everything and continue my life, and let this year pass as fast as possible, just become greater and greater. I've had full-blown 30-minute-long panic attacks because everything goes too slow for me, and at other times I become anxious (not exactly panic attacks) because everything goes too fast for me... And waiting 7 days for my next T session is hard for me sometimes, because I want to keep telling her what I think, what I feel, and what i have discovered so far, and hurry up with the diagnosis. Sometimes I discover something (or remember) the day after my session, then it's 6 days that I have to wait until I can tell her, and it gets difficult surviving without being anxious about time going too slow for me until then.

My parents lost the papers where I was officially diagnosed with ADHD as a kid, and my psychologist died, so I need a new certification, otherwise I can't get better, and I'll probably just keep getting worse. And not knowing what's going on inside my head worries me, so the faster time passes, the faster I'll know why I feel what i feel.

And until then... All I can do is swallow my feelings, or write somewhere... And when my journal is too far from me and the computer is nearer, I write here and hope that I end up feeling better.

[Junerain]

What you do, write here, with your feelings, is beautiful, and if you have nothing else, you have a friend, here at PC, ME.Writing is powerful and I so enjoy, what you write, as do many here...we are real people, and writing here, is a real thing Is it your T's approval or disapproval of what you think, feel, and discover that you crave? Is your T a parental figure? I am learning to tell myself these things, ask myself, wow, that was a good idea I just had, or geez, that was a depressing thought, or come here and write it out, much as you do. You ARE getting on with your life, you are doing inner work, not as valued by society as say a lucrative job or a hot car, but it is work, nonetheless, one more hug, for you PM me anytime

[Simcha]

Originally Posted by Kewkky

I've been reading more and more on ADHD, and I hate more and more my family for letting me turn out how I am today. I was diagnosed at 7 years old, and I accept that diagnosis, because my dad told me that when I was little, I was the living Devil himself... Clogging toilets, hitting people, manipulating, lying, throwing tantrums, eating everything, ignoring people, crying nonstop at night (dont think this is ADHD... it had something to do with all the nightmares of me dying, which were a LOT), and so many more uncontrollable things that I have no knowledge about.

So I was "possessed", according to how my dad described I was when i was small (these were some of the bad things only, I haven't mentioned any of the funny things i did), and I was taken to a psychologist and diagnosed with ADHD (along with an IQ of 139). I was told to take Ritalin for my ADHD, but my dad refused the treatment. He, instead, decided it was a better idea to hit me, throw me around, punch me everywhere, slap my face, yell at me, ground me, instead of actually trying to help me gain control of what I was doing, even at least a little consciousness! So he abused me physically and mentally, and thought it was a smarter idea! My mom never did anything to help me, she practically was nowhere to be seen at these moments, which were sometimes even many times in a day!

Whenever my dad came home from work, I cowered and hid wherever I could before he entered the house because I feared he would attack me again for something I didn't know I did! I also remember one time he was checking my notebooks from school in case I didn't do an assignment (he always hit me and yelled at me, even if he found one "zero" only in the whole notebook), I found myself out of the room, crying uncontrollably and praying to God and all the angels that my dad wouldn't hit me or yell at me, because I couldn't handle it. So much horror in my life when I was just a kid, and it continued afterwards, even while I was in college... But instead of physical abuse, he abuses me mentally, by doing the one thing I hate the most, which i have told him: asking me about my personal life, and personal information, in front of my family or a crowd. I ALWAYS burst out yelling at him to shut up, throwing things around, cursing at everything that moves, crying and blind with rage, and end up depressed and hiding, crying by myself , while my dad acts as if nothing happend and goes to hang out with my brothers.

So now I'm having lots of problems in my life, most involving uncalled-for anger, feelings of loneliness, sometimes even hallucinations of a sort, and the things i read in various different sites (this time http://www.add.org/) show that a child with untreated ADHD can suffer from a WIDE variety of things as he grows up... And me, a child with ADHD, untreated AND abused, am now suffering of who knows what I have (definitely some form of anxiety and depression, among other things), and all because of my family, for not being fully aware of what they were truly doing to me. Sure, the beatings, insults and screams might have shut me up then, but now what are they doing? I can assure you, they are not making my life better. I will NEVER forgive my ******* family, especially my ******* father. If I had the chance, I would even stoop so low as to hit him back, so I can shut him up and show him the whole spectrum of feelings he has created in me.

I am so angry right now... So full of hate... And I hate my ******* mood swings...

Edit: Why is there no "Homicidal" mood icon? >:O Not even angry describes how full of hate I am right now at everyone!
Edit2: My eyes feel like they're gonna pop out, since I'm holding back tears of rage. Why am I not crying or breaking stuff? I'm in a public area with lots of people around...

(((((((KEWKY))))))

You are very brave for posting this. Child abuse is usually minimized and people are very ashamed to speak about it--which is too bad, because it perpetuates the silence over the issue, keeping it dark and hidden from society (so they don't have to deal with something so emotionally charged--they prefer denial to action). The feelings you described are very familiar feeling for me...needless to say, you are far from alone when it comes from being born into an abusive family situation. Kids who have ADHD are usually abused more than the non-ADHD kids because of the ADHD child's visibility and behavior (or lack of meeting unrealistic expectations of the parents, such as perfect grades or whatever).

Curiosity--what reason did your father give you/them for refusing the Ritalin the doctor prescribed for you when you were little? It doesn't matter anymore really, as whatever his reasons were they weren't legitimate in the first place.

How much contact do you have with your parents currently? Does talking to them bring these feelings on (a trigger), or is it something else? You an always PM me if you want to talk in private about how I was able to survive an abusive family situation. I would recommend talking to your T about it too. Also, if your sessions continue with your T and you don't feel like you can open up with her about these things, and/or that she is unhelpful, then I suggest telling her directly and weighing in your mind if it is better to see someone else. I believe you said somewhere else that you have had eight sessions with your T. While that usually isn't enough to tell if your T is helpful, it sometimes is.

What are your thoughts on discussing everything you mentioned here with your T? Don't worry--there isn't anything your father can do to hurt you now. YOU are now in control, and you owe him nothing.
Come back and talk. Talking with other like-minded people with similar experiences always helps (just make sure that the people you talk to about it lift you up and support you, not drag you down).