[Omers]

Need to know if anyone else keeps running into this...

People who have known me for a long time know that I honor boundaries to a fault. They understand that if I have violated a boundry it is because I don't understand it. I would never violate someones boundaries intentionally and I get very upset when I discover I have done it unintentionally.

I have gotten pretty good at recognizing the NT knee jerk reaction when they feel I have crossed a boundary... So... I have a script for that! "It seems like I may have just crossed a boundary I shouldn't have. I do not know what I have done. Can you please tell me the boundry and work with me to understand it so that I don't make this mistake again".

I am discovering that it is only a very small percentage of people that say yes to my script and try to work with me. Of those who try only a few can do anything more that say the boundry and use "because" as the explanation. Most just walk away shaking their heads and some get really angry.

I ran into this with someone again yesterday. She even admitted that she understood that it was the aspergers not an intentional attempt to make her angry but she was still angry. OK, feelings tend to be rather random and mystierious experiences for me but I have learned that what someone is feeling just "is" and to not try and change, question or challenge the feeling. Respect the feeling but don't try and "do" anything because it just gets ugly.

Anyway... I don't know where to go. I know which boundary she believes I violated... the "don't waste my time if you don't need me" boundary. In this particular relationship it makes sense and I understand it even if I disagree and don't like it... So I do honor it. I did need her yesterday but I did not have a handy "script" pre-written in my head to explain the need. So I was fumbling around a lot, not making sense and not understanding her replies because we were in two very different places. We were not able to address the need because I was not able to articulate it fast enough for things to not fall apart.

I also know that it is hard for people because I am very smart in a lot of areas (and use big words) but some things that I have less skill with than your average 3yr old. When I don't have a pre-written script or time to write one I can't translate very quickly. I can't say that I "think in pictures" but thoughts, for me, are variations of color and lighting behind my eyes... making that into words is a pain!

1st does this sort of thing happen to others?
2nd anyone got a script or other handy advice for dealing with it?

Other thoughts are welcome too as I am realizing that I have included a lot of "odd" eplainations that may also warrent conversation.

Thanks!

[Popskid]

Originally Posted by Omers

I have gotten pretty good at recognizing the NT knee jerk reaction when they feel I have crossed a boundary... So... I have a script for that! "It seems like I may have just crossed a boundary I shouldn't have. I do not know what I have done. Can you please tell me the boundry and work with me to understand it so that I don't make this mistake again".

I don't have asperger's, but I guess I am hoping that you won't mind a point of view of what I would want to hear if someone inadvertently crossed a boundary with me. The script above is very focused on your needs. I think it is difficult for some people (including myself) to be asked to help and work with someone when they are upset or angry about something that person did. Perhaps more focus on how it would benefit the other person would get a more positive response.When I am upset about something someone has done I like to have that acknowledged. Something like- "It seems that something I have done has upset you and I do not want you to be upset. Is it possible that I crossed some boundary that I was not aware of? Is there anything that I can do to rectify that now and in the future?" I know it sounds like exactly the same thing! However, by making it a question it seems more interested in how the other person reacted.

[hatteras duck]

I have had this same sort of thing happen quite a few times. I do try to respect peoples boundries, when I can. Mostly when I know about them. Sometimes, it is really hard to understand a person's boundries. I have sat down and talked with them about what they expected. What their likes and dislikes were when it came to boundries. But, I have also noticed that these boundries can change from day to day. That makes it impossible.

[Omers]

@popskid: I only discriminate against mean people and bullies so yes, your voice is welcome and counts. thanks for responding. the more information I have the less likely I am to screw up!

@hatteras duck: thanks. It also helps to know that it is not just me. I try so hard and feel so bad when I screw it up! Other than my son I am the only person on the spectrum around me so it is hard to tell what is going on sometimes.

[sane1logic1]

In that situation I give myself time to figure out how to explain myself better then try again or choose someone else.

I am used to not getting much help. I am very fortunate to be as I am doing.

[Callista]

You may have to explain, "I'm really clueless about social stuff. You have to explain things to me or I won't get it."

You can't always make everybody happy. Some people will always refuse to work with you. But that is their problem, not yours. If they are going to be cryptic even after you explain that you need them to be straightforward, then you've done all you can and the misunderstanding is not your fault.