Anger issues with Asperger's

My Fiancee has Aspergers and at times gets angry at very simple or little things. Even if the anger isn't directed at me it makes me very fearful and uncomfortable because I was formerly abused. I'm not scared of my fiancee and he has never become physically violent to myself or anyone else that I know of. How do I let him know that his temper makes me afraid of him without setting him off?

Hi there,

Anger, in relation to AS it seems, stems from threat(real or percieved) and extreme frustration. I get very angry and will lash out if someone touches my head. I HATE it. Unfortunately, as a child, and as children often do, it was used as a method to tease me.

The world and all its noise and bright lights makes me angry, stupidity makes me angry, conflict makes me angry, touch makes me angry if I didn't first ask for it, patronisation makes me angry......and the list goes on. In saying that, I am actually quite a nice person

Ask your husband about what makes him angry and he will tell you. Sometimes identifying the anger trigger is hard, but give him time to get to the point. At the same time, he also has a responsilbility to learn ways to cognitively process what is purely a neurological response to overwhelming stimuli. It takes two to tango, as the saying goes.

If you want to discuss this furhter I am happy to. I was dx, along with the AS, with an 'explosive disorder'....cant remember the exact name and despite this, I am still in one piece. I don't think that the level of anger I experience is necessarily true of all people with AS but not unusual......I am an anomoly amongst anomolies

Take care,

Michah

Michah is exactly right.

I was very angry for decades, long before I knew about AS. But I was never violent.

I had a big explosion during group therapy (which is a very good place to have it, apparently), and everyone told me afterwards that they were concerned that violence was imminent. That brought home to me just how scary I was and how much I hurt the people around me. I decided I never wanted to be that angry again. And I never have.

I can still go too far: I snapped at my boss earlier this year. But I can recognise now when my anger is excessive.

I don't know if this has anything to do with AS or not.

Simple I-statements may help: When you do ______, I feel _______. What I need from you instead is _______. Good "get to know ya" language. Negotiation begins there and is what builds a respectful relationship through the understanding of one's autonomy through healthy boundaries.

There's a book called Be Different by John Elder Robison who has Asperger's and delights in the brilliance of his brain function, but also recognizes his need to train himself in social connection. He's written an amazingly hopeful and inspiring memoir. Susan Q.

The thing with Asperger's is that the person affected can find everyday situations; tasks and objects a lot harder to cope with. It's because our brains are wired slightly differently and we lack some of the social skills that neurotypical (people without AS) have from a very young age.

It is also important to understand that we are unable to express our emotions and how we are feeling to others, and for some, anger is their own frustration at their feelings and the way in which they are perceiving the current situation.

The way in which many people with an autistic spectrum disorder see the world can also affect the way they react to "little" things. People with an ASD (such as Asperger's or Low Functioning Autism) tend to see things in a black or white scenario - there is no in-between.

I think the best thing you can do is find ways to cope with angry outbursts or to help your husband resolve his situation. I suppose you could even sit him down and tell him your concerns, discussing how you could maybe help him during these difficult times. He isn't angry because he's a bad person, or because he's annoyed at you...but more he's annoyed at the frustration and inability to cope that he may be experiencing.

Best of luck ♥
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