[SublimeChange]

In a bizarre twist of events, I found out my friend "V" has Asperger's syndrome and she does not know she has it.

V wanted me to go with her to see a psychiatric counselor at our university for family issues she was currently having, but the counselor pulled me aside to tell me her diagnosis. She didn't want to tell V immediately because she feared V wouldn't respond well to such a shock. Rather, she would break V into the news bit by bit to help her accept it more easily.

The problem is, V wasn't consistent with her visits to the counselor, she pretty much stopped since I went with her that day. And she graduated last month, so our University rules state that V can no longer use the counseling services at the University.

I know, it's not my place to tell her. I'm not even sure she'd believe me if I told her, but should I make an attempt to say something? Her parents aren't the greatest towards her, plus they don't believe in mental illnesses. What worries me the most is how is she going to survive the real world without the proper help?

[-jimi-]

Asperger's syndrome is not a mental illness.

The counselor was awful to go behind your friend's back. That is totally unacceptable for a counselor. I would be so angry if someone I spoke to confidently would yap about me to people.

Do you know who made the diagnosis? A school counselor is not allowed to make diagnoses, well any counselor for that matter. That diagnosis is bull unless it was properly made.

She managed to graduate uni, that is great! That is more than I did. She must be very high functioning.

Can you see how she has Asperger's clearly, or is this just something you've been told?

It all seems strange, you don't hold diagnoses from people, not adults anyway. If you go to a doctor and they refuse to tell you what you have, that is a very odd behavior...

[SublimeChange]

Sorry, mental illness was a poor choice of words. I did not mean to offend anyone.

I agree, it was awful for the counselor to go behind my friend's back like that. I use my school's counseling services as well, and it made me fear for a while they were hiding something from me as well. But because I knew little about Asperger's, I somehow thought that maybe this was the right thing. I mean, who'd want to distrust a professional?

You can see she has Aspergers. And it does affect her daily life. I know the counselor was wrong to tell us in private, especially since we are not family, just concerned friends, but do I tell her?

[-jimi-]

What type of things do you see she needs help with?

Where I live there are a lot of services just for spectrum people, so I'm very lucky to have been diagnosed. I spent a lot of time in counseling many years ago (before diagnosis or any suspicion I had Asperger's) telling them this isn't what I need. I told them I needed someone to sit down with and structure my life. I was laughed at, because that didn't EXIST (it did! even for non aspies!), and they told me just if I get motivated all those things would just fix themselves... Sigh.

So when I was diagnosed I actually got access to a special psychologist for autism and Asperger's which was much different than a normal counselor and MUCH more helpful, and also to a care worker to come once a week and help me with things in my home. I also have and have used other help offered.

I don't know what is out there for your friend, but I hope it is something that is specific for her needs, or it could do more good than harm, speaking from experience. It wasn't good for me to get mainstream therapy telling me I was unwilling and I should work harder when in fact I was working so hard and so stressed out it made me sick. I believed them and felt totally incompetent and lazy, and instead of teaching me strategies, they taught me it's all my fault......

Does your friend have any new counseling or any help at all or similar? Or just on her own totally? What do you think will happen if she doesn't get any support? Does she see that she needs it?

Maybe she already know she has Asperger's. You never know. I don't tell people. A lot of people figure it out on their own, I did, some years before diagnosis.

If she seems to be in denial about problems, I'm not sure what you can do else than urge her to get help. Or you might just ask her (if you're brave enough), if she thinks she has Asperger's. If I was you, and asked, I would actually not say anything about the counselor, like ever... I would say I watched something on TV or a stupid lie like that, or maybe rather you have an Internet friend with it and you both seem a little alike. But remember, what makes a good lie, lies in the details (says Sheldon Cooper, LOL).

You should meet with your friend and discuss your concerns. Tell her you are worried about her and do mention Asperger Syndrome, but not the incident with the counsellor. Suggest but do not diagnose her with the syndrome. Only a qualified health professional can do that. She may not even have Asperger's, but another condition that resembles it, such as dyspraxia.

Heed Jimrat's advice. He has made a lot of excellent suggestions.

[-jimi-]

If it goes wrong I'm here to blame...

[SublimeChange]

V has a strong fascination over cute things. For example, if I'm talking to friends about history class, she will interrupt and ask if we think Winnie the Pooh is cute. She'll continue talking about Winnie the Pooh, Mickey Mouse, Playhouse Disney, etc. You can't really get a word in until she stops. And if you do tell her to stop, she just brings up the same "cute" topics again.

We go to my friend's dorm together, and every time, she has to pet the stuffed animals my friend has on her bed. I used to work with V, and she would walk up to our co-workers as they're working, and start talking to them about cute things, cartoons, etc. It made some workers uncomfortable.

V has no counseling support of any kind right now. As I mentioned before, she can no longer go to our University's counseling center because she graduated, and she doesn't have a job to pay for any outside help. If she doesn’t get help, I think she’s going to be lonely and depressed in the future. Many people are put off by her cute fascination, and she knows people don’t like it when she talks about cute things. But instead of accepting that, she turns the problem around and says people don’t like her because she’s fat and unattractive. I’m afraid if she doesn’t get help, she’s going to hate herself so much.

I think she does need help, not only with this but her home life as well. And when you tell her this, tell her to see someone about her other issues, she’ll tell you “I agree with you, I’ll do that.” But the next time she calls, nothing’s changed and she makes excuses for not doing this or that.

And I got that BBT reference Jimrat

[-jimi-]

She kind of sounds like a friend of mine, who also bugs people. My friend is very outgoing and can talk about anything with anyone. She doesn't really see it as weird and she completely sucks at turntaking, she has no idea when it is her turn to speak. She has a hard time doing things in her home, so she escapes to other areas that someone else has structured for her, so to speak. There she is often known and people are whispering behind her back. She really come out as very strange, and I guess being a grown up doesn't in no way prevent bullying, although so far, she doesn't know what is going on...

People can usually not see on me I'm an aspie, because I'm a lot different than her socially. She is more well functioning in other areas than me, which others have a hard time to believe. But I guess we can't all have the same intensity of symptoms.

How is her living situation and how does she support herself without school?

I do think you are right in being worried about her going to be lonely in the future. Around here we have a few social groups for people with Asperger's which I think is a good idea, even if I haven't personally gone to them. They are just founded online and they are not run by anyone by themselves. I think it is a good idea, but oftentimes another aspie can tolerate quirks of another aspie.

But for things like that, she needs to know. She needs to not only know, but have some kind of special counseling like I had. I mostly used my counselor in other ways, but I think a person like her would be terrific to sort of meddle between a person with Asperger's and the NT world, without either looking down on aspies or NT's. A person like that could explain how people act and think, to make someone aware what the social rules are, without making the aspie feels like there is something wrong with her. It's a shame I can't email my counselor over.

Is she interested in the Internet any? In that case, there are several places to chat for spectrum people.

But of course, then you need the first step, letting her know what she is. It seems like you have been a very good and protective friend to her, and it is very heart warming to see that, since most people shy away from "strange" people in fear others will look down on them as well. Social fears is what is ruling the world it seems...

I also have stuffed toys. I wonder if having stuffed toys should be in the DSM diagnosing this. That, or being able to meow like a cat in the way that actually fools cats...

I don't know any good books right now, but there are some really terrific "survival handbooks" for aspies. Maybe someone else has a good title?

As for telling her... good luck with that. The way you explained things now, I can see how it should be done. And if she blows and thinks being an aspie is like calling people a bad name, tell her about me, LOL. (How terrific I am... no wait don't, LOL) But in all seriousness, I would never change the way I am for anything. Learn about me and the world to improve situations, sure, change what I am inside, never.

[in.neverland]

I think you shoul find the therapist and ask him/her to remove this responsibility from you by contacting your friend by phone/ mail and giving their opinion about dthe diagnose. Aspergers is very difficult to diagnose and it is not your responsibily to carry such a responsibility.

[Hetty]

Jimrat - your comments are helpful to me; thanks for sharing your experience.

SublimeChange - I don't think you need to get the therapist to remove you from the responsibility. Just decide for yourself what you think will be most likely to be helpful to your friend.

I've had a similar situation with an internet friend that I've known for eight years. About a year ago it occurred to me that he fits the profile for asperger's. I didn't know if I should mention it to him or not. He is extremely defensive and sometimes militant. Part of the problem for me is that asperger's is categorized as a "developmental disability" rather than just a different cognitive style. Some people are relieved when they have a diagnosis to work with, but others feel limited and defective and even more discouraged. To me the value of anything is in how well it works, or gets us the result we are looking for. Also, not all therapists are equally skilled in working with people.

With my friend, I put off mentioning it for several months after I thought of it, but then wrote to him that I'd been reading about Aspergers. I said it occurred to me that some of the descriptions fit the things he has told me about himself. He argued and said yes, but some don't, and the subject got dropped.

Yesterday I sent him the link to the asperger syndrome diagnostic scale that's given in the thread here of the same name. I asked him if he felt like taking the quiz. He did and got a 32, which really fits with what I know of him. I think many people who fit the profile for asperger's get depressed, distrustful, and resentful not because that's part of the syndrome, but because of the way they are mistreated and rejected by others over their differences.

If I were in your position I wouldn't just lay it on her what the therapist said. I'd kind of feel her out and open up the possibility of looking into what has been written about asperger's to see if it might be useful to her. Sometimes people need time to get used to new ideas, especially if it is generally seen as something detrimental. That's just my style though and others might proceed differently. I personally disagree with categorizing asperger's as a disability. It is a neurological difference in processing that needs to be acknowledged, but there have been many gifted, even brilliant people in history who, in retrospect, are suspected of having been on the autism spectrum. Good luck with it. She is lucky to have a good friend like you to care about her.