art of conversation

I keep finding that I get lonely because none of my friends will talk to me. I try to start conversations with them on facebook, but they just give me short answers and don't ever ask a question back. I have a habbit of talking about myself too much and talking for ages about things that interst me, so I think people might be put off by that. It just seems like people won't try to converse with me and yet they still seem to like me. I get so confused with people sometimes, I am never quite sure what to say, because sometimes I accidently offend people or they get the wrong idea. I just get really lonely and want to feel like I am actually wanted. Does anyone have these issues? Are there any tips that someone could give me?

I get lonely quite often, but at the same time I prefer to be on my own. It's a hard mix to get right haha. I actually get annoyed when people text me or call me, because it means I'm forced into replying and I may already have plans laid out which are now going to be put on hold.

I understand what you mean about rubbish replies though. If I am in the mood for conversation, which is rare, I get pretty upset when people don't ask any questions in return. I find it very hard to keep a conversation going because I'm never sure what to say next, so if they don't ask questions it all just frizzles out very quickly and then I usually get blamed for 'not seeming interested', even though from my point of view they are the one who lost interest.

I know what you mean about getting annoyed when people contact you. I don't like people pestering me and I prefer texting to calls. I have a friend who really annoys me because he asks what I've been doing lately and it always looks to him like I don't do anything. Another thing that annoys me is how little other people have in common with me. I feel like 90% of everything that other people follow, I am either not interested in or haven't heard of.

I felt the same about alone time until I found a way to be sure I could control it. Now that I can control it I enjoy my alone time more and choose to be alone more often. I don't know if you have MeetUp where you are but you must have something similar, if not. I went to several different kinds of MeetUp groups and enjoyed most of them. I eventually started my own group tailored to my needs. Check out MeetUp.com and see if it will be useful to you.

You know something, I was talking to my best friend a few weeks ago and actually told her that that question is my most hated question in the world!! My life is very much about routines. I do things I enjoy, and I tend to do the same things everyday. So when people ask that question, I just wish a hole would open and swallow me because my reply is always something along the lines of "oh you know, the usual". Then I feel judged because I haven't been out running marathons, or jumping out of aeroplanes or something. It's a horrible question for those of us who live by routines. Just because other people derive enjoyment from doing different things, doesn't mean we all do.

@Betty1Boop
There are quite a lot on that site within range of me. The major problem with that, is I don't enjoy meeting people I don't know. I have major social anxiety issues, so much so that even when I'm meeting with friends that I know well I get anxious and a lot of the time pull out at the last minute to avoid it.

@rosska I was going to say that I wouldn't be intersted in a site like that because of my issues with meeting people. When I was a child I was scared of strangers, in public, I was glued to my parents and was scared of going anywhere where there were people. I don't know if this is an asperger's thing or whether it suggests social anxirty. I still have trouble going out in public now. I am so anxious that I don't even like windows being open in my house because I'm scared of being seen by others. Most people tell me that when they first met me, they could tell I was very shy because I couldn't look into their eyes and I had very closed body language.

Social anxiety is pretty common for people on the spectrum, especially those who were diagnosed later in life. I guess it probably stems from a lifetime of social situations going wrong and you not knowing why, so you grow to fear them. Plus there is the standard social difficulties added in from AS, such as not liking to make eye contact, not liking to be touched, not knowing how to keep a conversation going, difficulty understanding others' emotions etc.

When people first meet me I am awful, I've been told many a time that people think I dislike them, when in fact I am pretty indifferent about them as I don't really know them yet. I've also had a few 'clashes' with people who have very extroverted personality types. One time at my best friends' birthday party, I was told by her partners niece (her partner is older than we are, his niece is only a few years younger than myself) that we could never be friends and that she would make an effort for the sake of that night but after that would never attend any function I was invited to again. To this day, neither myself or my friend know what I did or said that offended her so much. Online interaction is much easier in many ways.

Very interesting. That makes total sense. I had a close friend once that I became obsessed with. I would spend everyday thinking about them and became jealous of everyone that went near them. Eventually I ended up causing problems and they haven't spoken to me since. I am a kind person and I wouldn't harm a fly. It took me quite a few months before I finally realised what I did wrong.

Me. On the Internet I usually am talkative - you'll rarely hear me talking as much as I can write within a post here on PC. But even there I sometimes feel like a retard because of my tendency to ask/bring into conversation totally off topic things. This reminds me of someone I 'know' (on the Internet of course) who does that, only that he is kinda dumb.

Sometimes I am amazed how talkative I get irl, even though it's 99% random things I talk. And yes, I feel retarded afterwards.
There's a person I feel I can comfortably talk with, but the question is 'can I really do that?'. Sometimes I wish not to be able anymore to 'feel' when someone is annoyed/bored by me, perhaps that way I won't feel retarded anymore...nah, I still would.

@Betty1Boop
There are quite a lot on that site within range of me. The major problem with that, is I don't enjoy meeting people I don't know. I have major social anxiety issues, so much so that even when I'm meeting with friends that I know well I get anxious and a lot of the time pull out at the last minute to avoid it.[/QUOTE]

@rosska
Yes, I totally understand that. Over the years I have developed various tricks to deal with anxiety attacks due to social phobias. First, as a student I had to do a presentation for my master's project and I fully expected to have a panic attack in front of 80-120 medical faculty and students, which in my personal experience could result in fainting. I stepped up to the podium and announced that I was very likely to have a panic attack and that I might faint. I got a very warm response with some gentle chuckles from my audience and then I gave a great talk without either. Fast forward to MeetUp and the techniques I've used for that started with finding which activities were large enough to permit me to disappear in the crowd (like sitting in an audience) or involved quieter activities like meditation. I've also arrived late after introductions or feigned laryngitis and croaked a little while shaking my head apologetically. I've even contacted the organizer of a group and asked not to be put on the spot. (I believe many of the people who attend MeetUps share our issues.) Another thing I do is act--I rehearse interactions and act like I know what I'm doing. But I think the most important decision I made in my life was choosing between being afraid and doing nothing and being afraid and doing everything--I'm afraid either way, so I do everything--for better or worse.

That is an inspirational outlook. After checking into MeetUp in my area, though, I found only one group... a nudist group. No thanks.

I have learned to act over the years and that seems to help social situations alot. I suppose you have to act because if I acted how I truly feel around people, they would be offended and think that I'm an awful person. Unfortunately, I am not that good at knowing how the other person percieves me and as a result, I have phrased things in a way that makes people think I am trying to imply something when I'm really not. People read far too much into how you phrase things and your tone of voice in my opinion.

Please, just keep looking for the outcome you really really want.

I have been so offended by how people take things at times that I let them think I really meant what they think. I get so tired of tiptoeing around their petty insecurities!

I'm really glad you were able to do that!
Sadly, I don't think that's possible for everybody. I'm not a believer in the 'pull your socks up' psychiatry style, it's been proven that it only works with a small percentage of people. Plus, in addition to my AS I also have other problems to deal with such as OCD, DID, M.E., Dysthymia... The list really goes on for miles haha. What I really want, is a pdoc who actually gives a crap, but I've had such a hard time with every pdoc I've ever seen and my most recent one has let me down in a massive way this last few months so I've been chucked back onto the waiting list for another referral.

*Disclaimer: I'm not negating your suggestion, and I really am glad it worked for you and I appreciate your advice!*

On the matter of sometimes letting people think you meant what they think you did, I understand that completely. My friends now think of me as very sarcastic, but really I'm just stating my opinions and they don't want to accept it as honesty because it may be offensive.