My brother was diagnosed as having Aspergers maybe a year or two ago, and though he went to therapy for a while, it didn't seem to do much at all (externally at least) and was very expensive, so he stopped going.
He lives at home and is 24 years old, and although he is very intelligent, great at math and computer work, and a talented pianist with a B.F.A. in music performance, he has only ever had a few jobs in supermarkets...
My parents are somewhat at a loss: My dad has decided that the only thing he can do at this point is try to get my brother into an office job (which he would do well and progress towards being able to live on his own)...
However, it is a daily battle with him to get anything done. He seems to have no desire of his own to pursue any career whatsoever. He only seems to enjoy things, never shows passion. He has no friends outside of the family that I know of, and doesn't seem capable of keeping friendships (no effort) even though he can be very talkative at parties & doesn't really seem shy.
He isolates himself a lot in his room where he watches tv and plays videogames, and for months he's had minimal interaction with the family as he eats by himself. Recently he's claimed he wants to change that.

How can I reach him? If you have aspergers, what makes you inspired? What interests you? How can someone motivate you to go out and live? I don't expect him to become a social butterfly (I'm not even that) but I worry he'll be stuck at the computer all his life. I'm not even sure if he cares.

[CANDC]

Would you brother be excited about performing music for nursing homes or hospitals for children? Many people get a $50-75 fee for performing at medium size nursing homes. The residents love it and it is a way to pay for some expenses. 200 is the usual time they have parties with entertainment. Contact the Activities director at a nursing home or rehab in the yellow pages or other source.
It can also be a way to come out of the shell. Residents love sing along songs also.

[Hellion]

Why would he do well in an office job? I think for a lot of people on the spectrum that would be sensory hell and more likely lead to burn out then an ability to live on your own and take care of yourself. Not to mention all the social drama and potential workplace bullying could also be quite hard to deal with....but not everyone with autism is the same, maybe some would do well in office jobs but I know if I was able to work I'd avoid jobs like that.

[-jimi-]

Most people don't have any passion whatsoever. What drives normals is a different thing. They feel they have to do things, a kind of fear really.

I actually wish I was a laidback aspie and could truly enjoy what I like doing, but I have this gnawing feeling that soon I will be dead and I haven't done anything of importance....

Sometimes we have a problem with prompting, we can't create an impulse to act ourselves, so it has to be external. Maybe set up a schedule where he does one and the same thing once every week at the same time. Sometimes creating habit can be a thing to use to create other new habits. With me, habits come hard. I had work once a week and after I stopped that my life is much more chaotic.

Thanks for the comments! My brother used to play at nursing homes actually, but there's no telling if he enjoyed playing for such audiences. He slowly stopped doing that, I guess because it requires regular contact with the nursing home administrators, since the gigs weren't regular. I know he loves to play piano and perform, so it'd be great if he could do that again.
I don't know if he'd be miserable in an office. Maybe it would be too interactive for him, but I can't see a lot of other jobs in sight, and really hope he doesn't get stuck at CVS or stop and shop for his entire life... At least in an office he could fix computers and have hopes of promotion, and maybe increase his social skills.
I did think that an enforced schedule could help, but as he gets older, the ability of anyone to enforce anything in him is less and less. My dad can't even get him to do chores around the house. The only thing that got him motivated was when his computer was taken away until he could get a job (he was unemployed for around 2 years and living at home after college). That may be the only thing that will get him going this time... though all it did last time was get him a job at Stop n Shop

[CANDC]

[QUOTE=bluedonna92;3946242]Thanks for the comments! My brother used to play at nursing homes actually, but there's no telling if he enjoyed playing for such audiences. He slowly stopped doing that, I guess because it requires regular contact with the nursing home administrators, since the gigs weren't regular. I know he loves to play piano and perform, so it'd be great if he could do that again.
/QUOTE]
I see the point of how dealing with administrators could be a prob. What he really needs is a manager that can call up a dozen nursing homes and schedule a few concerts for him IF he can perform a trial run of the songs he would play and show some enthusiasm. Then the manager can make sure he shows up for performance. You could say performing for 45 minutes would equal a whole day's work at stop and shop moneywise but a lot more fun.
The office is even more interactive than the administrators. There is so much requirement of flexibility in an office environment. So many people to bounce off. He seems in my opinion to like working independently.

[Hellion]

Originally Posted by bluedonna92

Thanks for the comments! My brother used to play at nursing homes actually, but there's no telling if he enjoyed playing for such audiences. He slowly stopped doing that, I guess because it requires regular contact with the nursing home administrators, since the gigs weren't regular. I know he loves to play piano and perform, so it'd be great if he could do that again.
I don't know if he'd be miserable in an office. Maybe it would be too interactive for him, but I can't see a lot of other jobs in sight, and really hope he doesn't get stuck at CVS or stop and shop for his entire life... At least in an office he could fix computers and have hopes of promotion, and maybe increase his social skills.
I did think that an enforced schedule could help, but as he gets older, the ability of anyone to enforce anything in him is less and less. My dad can't even get him to do chores around the house. The only thing that got him motivated was when his computer was taken away until he could get a job (he was unemployed for around 2 years and living at home after college). That may be the only thing that will get him going this time... though all it did last time was get him a job at Stop n Shop

If he is an adult than I think it would be inappropriate to take away his computer if it is his property and probably illegal...not to mention that is humilating and degrading to an adult....there are also executive functioning difficulties and stuff that can make it hard to get chores done....does he like outright refuse....or does it seem more like he forgets, or gets side tracked and doesn't get stuff done?

Also though maybe he has trouble holding a job....if the best he can do is Stop n Shop what is wrong with that? A lot of people with autism aren't even able to hold a job at all....I myself happen to be on SSI, though I have other issues aside from the autism. But perhaps he should look into that if he actually has too much difficulty working.

Honestly though the worst thing to do is expect he'll just become normal. I mean sometimes people assume if someone with autism is immersed in social situations they'll just learn social skills and how to act more 'normal' but much of the time you just end up facing a bunch of bullying or ostracism because you don't interact normally and people don't like that...and just develop social anxiety on top of trouble socializing due to the autism. But that is sort of based on my own experience to.

[-jimi-]

If someone took my computer so I'd "get a job" I'd feel even worse... Note that many with Asperger's actually don't look sick or depressed even in deep depression.

[Hellion]

Originally Posted by -jimi-

If someone took my computer so I'd "get a job" I'd feel even worse... Note that many with Asperger's actually don't look sick or depressed even in deep depression.

That is the kind of thing that would have me go into berzerk mode...not to mention computers are useful for finding jobs in the first place and doing online applications.

[Lauliza]

Originally Posted by bluedonna92

Thanks for the comments! My brother used to play at nursing homes actually, but there's no telling if he enjoyed playing for such audiences. He slowly stopped doing that, I guess because it requires regular contact with the nursing home administrators, since the gigs weren't regular. I know he loves to play piano and perform, so it'd be great if he could do that again.
I don't know if he'd be miserable in an office. Maybe it would be too interactive for him, but I can't see a lot of other jobs in sight, and really hope he doesn't get stuck at CVS or stop and shop for his entire life... At least in an office he could fix computers and have hopes of promotion, and maybe increase his social skills.
I did think that an enforced schedule could help, but as he gets older, the ability of anyone to enforce anything in him is less and less. My dad can't even get him to do chores around the house. The only thing that got him motivated was when his computer was taken away until he could get a job (he was unemployed for around 2 years and living at home after college). That may be the only thing that will get him going this time... though all it did last time was get him a job at Stop n Shop

I doubt an office job would work unless it is in a very specific field like computer programming where there are likely other people who are similar. The only thing I could suggest would be enacting a schedule like you've said along with the expectation that it be followed. Perhaps even a demand like a small amount of rent or asking him to contribute money towards groceries could motivate him to work. Your parents can provide the basics but if he has specific food requests, maybe he has to pay for those himself or no one buys them. I think it's important that your parents help your brother understand that he can not run the household, and that as a member of the household he needs to be an active contributor. My daughter is younger but I see the same issue with motivation or just even caring about anything. We did notice that when expectations are clear and there are immediate consequences that consistent, she is surprisingly responsive. Her teachers handle her with kid gloves regarding school work, even though she's intelligent. I've asked them to make sure she knows she is expected to finish her work (even if its a little different from everyone else's) and she should get the same consequence as everyone else if she doesn't. It is the first year that she has shown any motivation at all to complete her homework - as in rushing to get it done in the morning before school if she didn't the night before. So it is possible, its just a lot of work. If he really only has mild Asperger's, then his ability to learn certain concepts may be higher than your family thinks, it just takes longer and needs a different approach than it would for you.

Thanks for the constructive comments. I am aware that my brother is technically an adult, but the fact of the matter is that he lives at home, and is only 24, and has demonstrated few adult behaviors to be treated as say equal to our dad who works overtime nearly every week and pays for everything.
I think the contributing to expenses might be a good idea, though it may call into question my younger brother's contribution, since he also lives at home (though he works). He did have a manager at one point, but maybe just not a good one? Even having an agent he'd have to respond to emails or calls, which I think he stopped doing.
I know it's humiliating for him to be treated like a teenager. That's part of why I want to help him! So dad won't resort to disciplining that he'd use on a child.
It is difficult for me to conceptualize how my brother does not see the need for him to grow up, and pay for himself. It feels as though he is avoiding reality in any way possible. If not for himself, at least he should respect his dad enough to know he must take on grown up responsibilities. I'm not asking for him to suddenly become a social butterfly! The most I can ask for is for him to get a job and start performing piano again, so at least he'll be doing something enjoyable with feedback from human beings, as opposed to playing a computer game for days, with no feedback from anyone.

[phaset]

His "reality" is likely very different from yours. Why did you say he has "mild aspergers" in the subject? As someone who has been successful keeping an office job I personally hate that term. If I learned how to compensate does that mean I am less affected than others?

Based on your description he seems to have many problems related to Asperger's and possibly depression. You might be expecting too much from him at this time. It is highly likely he did not enjoy playing for audiences which could explain why he didn't continue doing so. I *HATE* feedback from other human beings. Why do you think playing computer games isn't fun for him? You are judging his activities using your own preferences and ideals. I think you should put more effort into trying to understand him rather than changing him to be what you consider an adult.

[-jimi-]

Most people instinctively think everyone is like them. Most people never have to try to step outside this and understand. Someone with Asperger's basically have to work hard to understand others. So those who have an aspie near you, please try to also work on your understanding.

I'm one of those "mild" cases. Still I differ a lot from most people. I would happily indulge in video games if it wasn't for the cost and that most games these days are pretty crappy anyway. An audience would freak me out...

If he can find work that suits him, that would be good yea, but what he does the rest of the time is his own choice. As said above if depression is involved it gets more complicated. I have a disability income because I have both Asperger's and other things. Still you can't see on me that I'm "disabled".

[rosska]

The only jobs I've ever had have been customer service type jobs (worked in a shop and on a campsite). My dad got me an interview for an internship with his work which would have been an office job and I even got offered the position, but I turned it down because frankly it seemed like the most horrendous idea in the world to me.

He could never understand why I turned it down, and kept telling me I was 'wasting my life' by doing things that were 'beneath' me. I could never understand why he couldn't just be happy for me and let me do what I wanted to do. I get seriously overwhelmed with just leaving the house, the sensory overload from being outside or in a busy place (such as an office) is really quite painful. For the last few years I haven't had any sort of job at all, my last one I ended up leaving because I was going to get fired if I didn't. My boss had pulled me up several times for 'lack of time keeping', 'too much sick leave', 'not seeming interested'... the list goes on. I honestly tried my best there, I gave every part of me that I could to that job and it still wasn't enough. My doctor had even written to my boss during one of my reviews to try and explain my extended absences were due to serious health problems, but she didn't seem to care. I didn't have my ASD diagnosis back then, but I've had other on going physical and mental health problems for most of my life.

Originally Posted by Lauliza

My daughter is younger but I see the same issue with motivation or just even caring about anything. We did notice that when expectations are clear and there are immediate consequences that consistent, she is surprisingly responsive.

I'm not judging your parenting style, but I would urge caution in being overbearing with punishments as a means to an end. My dad had a similar parenting style, and yes it did get me to go and do things when he told me to. But I didn't enjoy the things I was doing, nor did I feel any kindness towards him for that control style. In fact, I quite hated my dad right up until he got cancer and suddenly he stopped being so controlling and started just accepting things more. I often wish he'd been more like that when I was growing up.

[CANDC]

Rosska, sorry you have not found support for you situation in the job world. Bosses are under pressure from their bosses to make more and more money. Keeping costs down and productivity up is a major concern in the modern market place.
That does not mean what they do is right, but I cannot help feeling like they too are a victim in an emotional and spiritual way.

[Hellion]

Originally Posted by bluedonna92

Thanks for the constructive comments. I am aware that my brother is technically an adult, but the fact of the matter is that he lives at home, and is only 24, and has demonstrated few adult behaviors to be treated as say equal to our dad who works overtime nearly every week and pays for everything.
I think the contributing to expenses might be a good idea, though it may call into question my younger brother's contribution, since he also lives at home (though he works). He did have a manager at one point, but maybe just not a good one? Even having an agent he'd have to respond to emails or calls, which I think he stopped doing.
I know it's humiliating for him to be treated like a teenager. That's part of why I want to help him! So dad won't resort to disciplining that he'd use on a child.
It is difficult for me to conceptualize how my brother does not see the need for him to grow up, and pay for himself. It feels as though he is avoiding reality in any way possible. If not for himself, at least he should respect his dad enough to know he must take on grown up responsibilities. I'm not asking for him to suddenly become a social butterfly! The most I can ask for is for him to get a job and start performing piano again, so at least he'll be doing something enjoyable with feedback from human beings, as opposed to playing a computer game for days, with no feedback from anyone.

See therin lies part of the problem many people with autism/aspergers face...because of our disability interfering with ability to socially interact, handle stress and many of us have sensory issues, co-morbid conditions and executive functioning difficulties....So then people think its ok to not treat us 'equal' and continue regarding us as children that can have their behavior modified through being punished the way you would punish a child misbehaving...and generally being treated like children and even talked down to.

So no I do not agree that having an impairment that interferes with life is reason to treat someone as less equal...or act as though they aren't entitled to the same rights any other adult is. I can see severe cases of certain conditions where the person might need monitering and litterally has the mind of a child so thus need to be taken care of like one...but you say your brother has mild aspergers, that is not reason to treat him like a child or take his things away...unless of course its something he is harming himself with.

Also I am 25 and live at home...I pay rent now that i am on SSI and have some form of income, if I didn't live at home I would be on the streets homeless...so I certainly do not think my contribution should be called into question, if your brother is helping contribute to bills then that is a fair contribution I'd think. I mean jeeze what does your family expect of him a normal functioning successful individual who acts just like your typical adult? Because that is not what you guys are going to get.

Also what if he can't get a job? What if he's going through a difficult time with depression(very likely in people with AS and one sign of it can be stopping doing things you enjoy, not bothering with things you normally care about and generally not having energy/motivation even for basic things...taking a shower can be a major difficulty in that state....so by your dad treating and punishing him like a child/teen as if he's misbehaving when it very well could do with his DISORDER is only going to make things worse especially if there is depression going on. What reason will he have to keep going when his family just sees him as some burden, who's useless and deserves to be treated like a child unless he manages to get a job and move out. As it doesn't sound like he has any other support system.

Hate to say it but if he's unable to get a job, and your parents find it good reason to kick him out....well not sure being out on the streets with trouble reading peoples body language and communicating would end well....from the sound of it he doesn't have friends he can go stay with....Seems like your parents need to have more compassion, instead of expecting him to function perfectly when he has a bloody disorder that interferes with that.