Almost Fifteen & UGH!

I am having a really hard time with my son. He has been very irritated and upset lately. His moods vary depending on what the variables of the particular situation are. He is bigger than me and much angrier. There is a lot of cursing and yelling. When I reply to him in a calm manner he seems to want to be more upset that I am not engaging in any type of struggle with him. He attempts to be very manipulative and is disrespectful, today he called me a "fu***** B". He will make statements like' If you don't give me my iPad, I will have to cut myself.' I do not play this game. (also, he has not cut himself. He threatens it often as has for years. I hope this doesn't sound mean, but I am not going to be manipulated by my 15 year old son. I cannot enable this kind of behavior. I asked him what he wanted to accomplish with this threatening holding a steak knife in his hand. I advised him that certainly I was not about to enter into a physical altercation with my son and he put the know down and was like-come on! Bring it. He wants me to fight with him. This is really starting to be a huge problem.

Now he got suspended today for bringing a stick that looked like a knife of sorts and a mask to school. He also put a mask on at lunch and was "staring down" a girl that he met this year at school who he talked to for a couple weeks who decided that she didn't want to be more than friends. The stick was something he had while he was hanging out with his gf this weekend- apparently it was a piece of her walking stick that broke and he didn't realize he had taken it to school. He claims that he forgot he had it with him. Today, like many other days before he said if he got arrested he would kill himself. When asked if he had a plan, he said no but he could then proceeded to go on about possible methods (the school tells me- he refuses to talk to me about it.) I am at my wit's end.
I have been to countless IEP meetings, Therapists, Psychiatrists, doctors, counselors, meetings with advocates, etc. I feel like I am not getting anywhere. He is currently taking medication : 40mg fluoxetine & 1 mg Risperdal daily. I am torn because I truly believe that I can give him better opportunities than his dad can. His dad lives in Tennessee and he has never lived with his dad since we split up in '07. He sees him 2-3 times a year on average. His dad can be very opinionated and rude but on the other hand they do really care for and love one another.I am torn. I love him so much but I really feel that it is not ok for me to have to live my life like this. I am kind of afraid that one day he might hurt me, not on purpose but because of his temper and impulsivity, not to mention his size- he is almost 6 ft and 200#.
Oops- also, he is a person with Asperger's. He was diagnosed very late- in 2012 at the age of 12 1/2.

ANy words of advice? I really do not want him to go live with his dad. We have really worked a lot of years at trying to regulate behaviors and find solutions to our issues in the past. I know I have taught him a lot of good things, along with the therapists, we implement schedules, he has chores, etc. I am really frustrated and really need some help...

im, afraid i don't have much advice for you. it sounds like you are doing all you can. i am glad to see that you refuse to be manipulated by him, i see so many parents in this situation who cave under the pressure and let their teen run the show. keep up the good work. i imagine that you have exhausted all the med options by now and doing the best that can be done there. unfortunately with aspergers, he does not always realize that his behaviors are inappropriate. you need to find a way to take more time out for you. find a way to distress so you can handle the extra stress of dealing with him.

Thank you. I sure am trying. It can be very heartwrenching to see a person that I love this much act so hatefully towards me. He's still such a kid, you know? He knows he isn't right to be disrespectful but he still does it when he is angry. Thank you for your words. I appreciate it. If you think of anything, please holler back...hugs back.

first, and mostly, you need times of "me time".

When hes like this, are there any simliar triggers that have a pattern?
It is certainly rough, my parents had such a horrible time with me. and it seemed to get worse in adolences. the chemicals in the brain during puberty can really mess things up. and those who are a male, they tend to lash out more in aggressive, while females tend to verbally lash out, but take the physical onto themselves. (however, that isn't a set thing, just a common theme. as either can be either way).
Is he currently on any meds? any certain consistent food or drinks?
and it doesn't sound mean at all, that you wont allow yourself to be manipulated by him. Its actually a very good thing. even if he may see it as being "mean", it's not. later on in adulthood he will likely notice this as well. And by not allowing yourself to be manipulated by him, actions and behaviors wont esculate as they would if he was "encouraged" to do so, by being awarded (getting his way) in these moments.

Something when in school i've seen (i was often in classes that had others on the autism spectrum, along with down syndrome), the teachers would have a part of the room sectioned off. had a box like shape with walls around it, with an opening just big enough for a person to stand in the opening area. there were no doors. but also none of these kids were more taller or more stronger than the teachers at this time. and normally they would have more than one teacher handleing it. and the wall had about a foot opening from the ceiling all the way around. this area was empty, and allowed a person to retreat to when they were in need of getting their actions under control. i dont know if something like that could be possible in this situation, but i thought of mentioning it.

the threatening of cutting himself tho.. it means one of two things (or both), one being he's thinking on it everytime, which might lead to actual actions if its not addressed (however, letting him have his way isn't going to "address" this and make it any better either. so you are certainly doing the right thing by not letting him control you in this way), or he doesn't realize what the words hes saying really means, he might be saying it just from watching or seeing others do it in times of distress and how they might of gotten their way with it.

Have you ever after trying to speak calmly with him, and he gets worse, after hearing him until he pauses, have you tried to just leave the area without any further words to him? if he follows and continues the fight then that would likely mean what is being dealt with is more than just what can come from being an aspie in distress.

is there any bully-ing or any passive attacks being made on him while he's at school?

If it comes down to it, calling the police may be neccesary to insure both your safety and his. and if they are called in, you will want to tell them about his diagnoses on the autism spectrum so they know what they are coming in dealing with (as "normal" ways they come in to deal with things, are quite different when it comes to an unstable person on the spectrum).

but by not letting him manipulate you, you're doing the very best thing (for both you and him)!