Hi guys.

This is something I have been thinking about. OK, I do tend to over-think things a lot probably to my own cost, but I've been thinking about what would happen if I had children one day.

I am autistic, and I've heard that the condition may or may not be inherited from me in children I may have one day.

It makes me think whether I should have children or not have children. Some days I feel like they will be just fine and I must just have faith, and that all humans are unique, and other days I feel so depressed and I feel like I will be doing such a horrible thing to burden my children with such a condition, because I remember how I suffered, especially around other children, when I was a child. Also, not to mention their mother knowing her children are not normal because of me, her husband and their father. So, bottom line, some days I want to get married and have kids and other days I feel I should give up on it completely.

Then, also, I doubt my own abilities of being a real "dad" one day. I don't feel I have the people skills and the ability to raise them properly, so they can integrate into society properly and become well-developed human beings.

That brings me to another thing I think about. Does it even matter if my children are born autistic or neurotypical? With me, their father, being autistic, I'm pretty sure my traits would rub off on them anyway, no matter if they are autistic themselves or not. And, I'm so scared I cannot prepare them properly for things like school life, romantic relationships, friendships, sporting activities, because I'm useless at all of those things.

It makes me question whether I should find a wife one day, if I'm not having children, what's the point? But, how can I just throw away something so meaningful in life? It's what gives a man's life meaning at the end of the day, isn't it?

I don't know what to think anymore.

[Shapechanger]

Im an Aspie. I found a wife. She is a good person. She is tempermental, and moody sometimes. It is very difficult to predict. She is also sensitive about how I phrase things. I've learned to explain things very simply, and nicely like I would to a little kid. Without condescending tones of course. It helps a great deal. Spelling things out and saying them very kindly. I am married 19 years soon.

She stayed with me in the beginning because I was able to show her that I am caring and sensitive underneath my flaws. I was able to show it by not overly exhibiting my flaws but keeping them in check. It is tiring. I role model other people socially and imitate it over and over until I get it. I still don't always get how to "link up" one modeled behavior to another, so I am disjointed in most conversations - but very few people think I have Aspergers. I recently began seeing a physical pain psychologist and he did not believe I had Aspergers (I see him only for an hour and I can go a solid 2-3 hours now without cracking - after that or if I am tired or sick I crack fast and it all falls to pieces), so I had to show my my dx. Anyways back to topic,

I also had 2 children. They are now 9 and 7. My son is a carbon copy. I interfered very early in his life. I felt if he was going to have the same burdens I did, I would help him straight away. I did not have friends in school. It was lonely. I had girlfriends fairly often because I am very good looking and that helped. I stay in shape because it helps my mind tremendously. But I could not keep girlfriends. "Too critical" is the usual critique! Ironic! Anyways I am not critical; I am discerning and observant and continuously point out improvement paths (and DEEPLY appreciate it when others do the same for me but practially nobody does) so that we can 'get better'.

If I didn't utilize that OODA behaviour loop I stumbled into years ago as a teenager I would still be stuck in a box sleeping my life away.

Anyways it is much easier with my son. I see myself holding myself as a child, in my own arms. I look at that innocent child and determine the best way to help myself. What would I do for me, if I were my own parents?

And so for my son I do that. He very clearly, to me at least, is an Aspie. It's straight through him. It shows up every day. But I have done so much damn good work for him that he goes through entire school days and neither his teacher nor his principal see it. After 2 months they are noticing things I alerted them to. They are doing great working within his framework.

Anyways man, you are fearing shadows. These shadows are cast by trees on paths you have not yet trod. You need not fear them. And so leave them behind, do not punish yourself. Those shadows are now behind you, and their evidence and remainder remain behind, pulping under the fallen leaves into mulch that feeds the flowers of spring. You just keep walking and breathing deeply.

Remember that as long as you mind your energy levels and pace yourself, you can be a real awesome parent. Because you are observant. Because you are critical but do not voice it - but re-translate the critical observation before you speak it into a helpful step up. Always retranslate your thoughts into acceptable format. If you were a programmer you wouldn't type gibberish and expect it to work. Don't speak your own language either - speak theirs. You may not understand it fully, anymore than you might Javascript etc, but you understand it well enough to converse. If not, observe and imitate until you do.

My kids are complimented everywhere I go. Literally. Favorites in the school, favorites with neighbors - practically spoiled by other people. I don't spoil them, those kids work hard!! But I am constantly attentive to their needs and do not judge them at all. I let them make their choices every time; but we talk about the evidence and potential results of each choice.

Just mind your energy levels. Recognize when you are getting tired and may slip. Don't do it. Not today. Not ANY day. Stay focused, use that power of focus, and stay on target. Stay on target and you don't need to worry. Ignore those shadows -they mean nothing. Pass by those trees and towers without seeing them. Stay focused on your target and you can make magic happen.

[Miktis25]

Don't forget, there are a lot more supports available and children are a lot more accepting than they were when we were younger. Not only that, but children are being diagnosed earlier and are being helped to learn ways of coping. Most I've met on the higher end of the spectrum are better than I am at all areas of life. Autistic parents I've met have perfectly capable children, and they make amazing parents! Besides, neurotypicals can be made fun of as much as any austistic person, and likewise many autistic people are actually very good socially, and very capable. You never really know anything until it happens, and worrying can't change it, all we can do is deal with any situation that comes along the best we can, and that goes for neurotypicals too. Autism doesn't make for bad parents, not having autism doesn't make for a good parent, and everyone worries either way anyway. Hope this actually makes sense because I'm babbling a bit XD

Thanks guys! Wow, Shapechanger, you sound like a really great dad and husband! Thank you for sharing your story.

Thanks Miktis! You put things into perspective so well.

I do not wish to detract from what you guys have said, but I made this thread quite a while back, and during the time between when I made this thread and now, I've discovered another issue which may have a very large impact (even more than so than autism) on any family I might have one day.

I was raised by a father whom I now realize was a narcissist, and from what I've been able to figure out, there is a lot more amiss with me and ASD is a minor factor. Yes, I have Asperger's, but from discussions I have been having with the folks on the NPD forum, there seems to be the same general "issues" among children of narcissistic parents.

I think it's not going to be such a good idea for me to start a family after all.

My mind is seriously screwed up, and everything I want to do is for the wrong reasons, and when I take away those reasons, there no longer exists a reason at all to want anything.

I'm not depressed or anything, but my life is pointless. As a son of a narcissist, my whole life was defined to be "daddy's little boy", and of course, I did not live up to that expectation, as you would expect, because I'm not my dad obviously. That has had a profoundly damaging effect on me, especially in the core parts of my life, laid down in the foundation of my life (i.e. when I was a little boy).

As an Aspie, I already struggle with identifying emotions in others (empathy), and being a child of a narcissist, I struggle to actually feel it too. I actually lack empathy much of the time, like a narcissist or a psychopath.

Getting back to the wrong reasons part - an example - I wanted to have a family because I wanted to love my wife and child(ren), both of which my dad was not capable of doing. I wanted to give them everything I never had as a child, a home of love. That all sounds great, but when I really look at it, it's just my ego wanting stuff.

It's the same with all my dreams, all my quests in life. I do them because I want to feel loved and needed/wanted by society and people.

I guess it was because I was never made to feel worth much as a boy. I just have a desire to mean something to someone, and to give people something worthwhile that they can love and enjoy, and when I think about it, that's just my pathetic ego wanting to actually feel like it's worthy of someone's time and love.

I know those reasons are the wrong reasons for wanting to do it, and I can't think of proper reasons why I should want it. So, I've realized, the right thing for me to do is just forget about it, all of it. It might hurt me, but in the end it's not supposed to be about me and what I want anyways, it's about the world as a whole, and what's right for everyone. Everything I do has consequences, so I can't think of my own selfish reasons alone for wanting to do something. When I take them out of the equation, the desire to want things like a family just vanishes too.

Stb guy, you would make a great dad. And husband. Stop over thinking. People want to get married and have kids for the same reasons as you. Some have crazy ideas. It just happens. My dad was autistic and my biggest regret is not telling him how much I loved him. Life was complicated but he tried hard. And did a lot better than me. I sincerely hope you find a woman who appreciates you for all your qualities. And you find happiness with her and your children. That's the most important thing in life. Not qualifications or a job or money. Love. Which you deserve. Whatever your history or diagnosis.

[Miktis25]

My father was an alcoholic, a wife-beater, and almost a murderer added to that. Where you come from does not determine your own future, it just alters the foundation you build it from. If a foundation for a house is made of cement, that doesn't mean the house has to be cement too. It can be wood, could be mud, could be glass. I never lived up to my father's expectations, still don't, because - like ours, mine has NPD. Yes I can be selfish, so can everyone else. I'm sure there are many much more selfish people than us still making pretty great parents. Actually, no action anyone does is entirely selfless anyway. When people give to charity, part of it will be to feel good about themselves, not just to help another person. You're a great person, I wish you could see it. But the important thing is that you know what you truly want, whether it's a family or no family, if you want to feel loved and needed it may seem selfish but it's what everyone feels, you just see it as a selfish trait because of having a narcissist parent. You really are great, there's no need to think like this and certainly no need to forget that you are a kind and caring person and that's all that really matters

[eskielover]

If the right person comes into your life the right reasons will also.