Bad Week

My FIL lives with us because he is older and in poor health, mostly due to his poor life choices, but that's another matter. This week he was diagnosed with terminal cancer. So, his whole family is in an uproar, crying and going on like the world is ending. While I found all of this really interesting apparently I've missed the point? I'm being told I'm cold,emotionless and don't really care. But that's not true because I care that my wife is sad and I've tried to help her do things around the house to make her father more comfortable. But, because I have not jumped onto the emotional bandwagon with everyone else I am some sort of monster. Sorry, people live and people die, just like everything else. When my own parents died I felt very little. I liked them but they lived a nice long life, got sick and died..that was a good thing as they were suffering. Maybe I am too cold, I don't know. But I do know that when it is my time to go I don't want all of these people turning everything upside down mourning what I see as a normal, natural occurrence. They can stop in, say goodbye and then leave me alone since I'll probably want to finish whatever book I'm reading anyway.

From my perspective, they are the ones that are unthinking and unfeeling. You are handling things by taking care of your wife. Also you have allowed your father in law to live with you while he needed a place to stay. Not everyone needs to be emotional and having difficulty handling the natural aspects of illness and death. It is natural, especially with the elderly.

I am sorry the family is laying their expectations on you. I value your difference to the norm. It's okay. It is you. I wish you peace.

I feel you. When my dad died it was like "ok, guess that person is out of my life now. It was great while it lasted." It makes me sadder to think about how others don't understand my reaction.

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Originally Posted by Bernard54 My FIL lives with us because he is older and in poor health, mostly due to his poor life choices, but that's another matter. This week he was diagnosed with terminal cancer. So, his whole family is in an uproar, crying and going on like the world is ending. While I found all of this really interesting apparently I've missed the point? I'm being told I'm cold,emotionless and don't really care. But that's not true because I care that my wife is sad and I've tried to help her do things around the house to make her father more comfortable. But, because I have not jumped onto the emotional bandwagon with everyone else I am some sort of monster. Sorry, people live and people die, just like everything else. When my own parents died I felt very little. I liked them but they lived a nice long life, got sick and died..that was a good thing as they were suffering. Maybe I am too cold, I don't know. But I do know that when it is my time to go I don't want all of these people turning everything upside down mourning what I see as a normal, natural occurrence. They can stop in, say goodbye and then leave me alone since I'll probably want to finish whatever book I'm reading anyway.

Oh, I can so relate to that! Sometimes I just don't get the fuss about something too. Apparently it's because of autism, and I guess it is. People think I'm cold and heartless too. Another thing I don't get (OK not quite the same subject as yours) is why you have to smile at and greet strangers all the time when you walk past them in the street, etc., or colleagues in your office in the morning, what on earth for? I greet people who actually bother to get to know me and be friends with me.

And, you should see, this whole thing has been totally blown out of proportion already! Just because I don't shout "Hi!!!" in the morning when I walk into the office, now my colleagues ignore me. They hate me even. I can't even make a conversation with them without them cutting me off and telling/showing me they are busy. They chatter all the time to one other like lemurs in a tree and I can hardly ever get any peace and quiet to do my work, yet don't dare let me walk over and start a conversation, then they all disappear into their holes to avoid me. I'm literally like some plague or prince of darkness there already!

I guess I will never understand "normalness" and these little rituals and feelings and stuff.

Like lemurs in a tree... I like that one

Good to see in not the only one... When my cousin's wife died I was expected to make a massive fuss and I had only even met her three times. She's lovely, absolutely wonderful as a person. But I didn't get it. She died, nothing I could do we change that. When she was diagnosed with multiple kinds of cancer I didn't think wailing and grieving would be anything that anyone should have thought of - it doesn't help her in anyway. When she died how would me being all mournful and morbid help her family? I look after her son, I help out her husband... Surely that's more useful than being all sad and sorrowful when they're trying to get on with life.

I remember one chemistry class when I was still at school. We were set to write a test that day and just as the test started, one of the girls in the class got a phone call to tell her that her dad had died, after losing a battle with a incurable fever of some kind. I remember everyone crying, and even though the test still happened, everyone else failed and said afterwards they couldn't concentrate after that news. Even the teacher said she regretted not postponing the test.

I remember me going about business as usual. Yes it was sad, but I immediately focused on the task at hand, and wrote the test, scoring quite well.

I'm sure many of the people in the class that day decided I was cold and sadistic.

What it even someone they knew? Funnily I've been in almost that same situation with a mock exam for biology - I went into the school and [after being forgotten about and left outside a room alone for two hours waiting for my exam] was told that a teacher had died. The exam was postponed, much to my annoyance though I now understand why, and everyone including those who didn't know her cried and cried. Only me and someone else didn't because we didn't see why we were meant to, the other girl was actually made to feel seriously guilty by other classmates for not being upset... I don't get it

Yeah, I dunno, I guess so, because they were friends and stuff, but normal people seem to almost feel each other's pain quite literally. I can't even fathom how seeing someone cry can make you cry. I guess these people are way more "tight" with each other than I could ever manage with anyone. They also go to each other's houses constantly which is something I never did. It's likely they knew her dad.

When I say these things, I'm not criticizing normal people at all, I just don't grasp it. I admire them for being able to express themselves so unhindered.



I don't get it either. I would also not have cried had I been there, and would also have found the exam arrangement a little inconvenient, but OK, I can understand that the gravity of the situation is far more important I guess.

Interestingly, there's a condition where you feel exactly how the other person is suffering - like (extreme example) if they were shot or stabbed, you'd feel it as if it happened to you. I think neurotypicals experience this on a much lighter scale as a basis for sympathy, whereas for Autistic people sympathy tends to develop more from shared experience. (Just my theory on it)

I haven't been here in a few weeks so I would like to thank everyone that responded to my post.

As an update; As this thing with my FIL continues it becomes even more confusing (albeit fascinating) to me. It has, in my opinion, reached the level of the absurd. Relatives of my FIL who never had a good thing to say about him all of a sudden treat him as if they have always been the closest of friends. I'm guessing it's to mitigate the guilt they feel for treating him like crap all of their lives. So, I can only assume that they act this way for themselves and not really for him. I can't for the life of me figure out why people are so dishonest with themselves.
My lack of understanding in this situation has been creating even more problems with my immediate family. Apparently I have been too honest. Yes, I don't like the man, yes, I really don't care what happens to him BUT, I will still help out any way I can because it's the right thing to do. Apparently that is not good enough.

After half a century I still do not understand these so called 'normal' people (nor do I think I would care to) and I can only conclude that they don't understand themselves either.

You show amazing insight! You hit the nail right on the head with that one!

Pretty much. I don't think I'll ever understand them either, and like you, don't particularly care either. I could never work with people as fickle as they are.

Self-chosen narcissism is becoming the norm in western society, and it is that which you see being displayed when you witness their behavior.

Sorry to hear about that, B. I've lost 3 of my 4 GP's to this horrible disease.

One day we will topple cancer completely.