[-jimi-]

The site that was what I would called anti ASD linked from here yesterday, well I felt alright about it yesterday. Because it was so exaggerating, like all aspies being like really bad all over and low functioning in every aspect, when in fact it really varies.

But I started thinking about myself and how I say I manage fairly well having aspergers. I think that thought comes from a somewhat inflated ego from coping well at school. Learning always came easy to me. But life is not school, is it?

I realize I AM many of the things listed as not coping well and also they claimed aspies don't have insight, well I think many do, but I realize I never really understood how poorly I managed so my insight was flawed. I also thought I compensated better than I actually do.

Just by existing I seem to annoy people.
I can't work. I totally failed my last work practice, there was so much information I couldn't remember even half of it, yet others could take all the details in and remember them, quickly. And it was a so called easy job. I depend on disability to just put food on the table. I'm hopeless at working. I'm physically ill as well so I can't work because of that but now I realize if I was physically all better, I still couldn't work. Cuz I suck at working.
I depend on meds, many different, because I cannot control my mood and anxiety.
I used to do art but I lost that talent. So I don't have that either.
I lost inspiration with writing. So that is gone too.
I am musical but I'm too lazy to practice so that is a wasted talent.
I deprive the people I hang out with from emotional support. I don't even give them hugs when they need them.
I can't manage to clean up my place, I have a helper for that. Still half my home is a pig sty. Cuz I suck at cleaning.
So I'm some kind of semi book smart with no application at all in real life.

It feels weird to understand how bad I really am at things. Cuz... I thought I managed. I don't. At anything. It really clashes with the image of myself that I think was founded when i was maybe 8 to 10 years old, going to a small school where "everyone" could fit in... and where I felt normal.

So plz tell me... how do I manage now understanding I am a useless person? How do I go on with my life?

[CobolCapsule]

Take one day at a time, and try and find some inspiration for writing again.
It's hard to believe you can lose artistic talent. Try practicing your musical talent by pressuring yourself.
Try to enforce some discipline in your life, so you can overcome and compel yourself back to your talents and interests. Try and find some new interests also.

By the way i live in a pig sty.

[PrairieCat]

You are too down on yourself. I also think that if you could write at one time and do art at one time, you still have those interests and skills. Please give yourself a break! Realize that you are depressed right now and you're very good at putting yourself down. So am I when I am depressed. I think you are creative and all you have to do is tiptoe back to your creativity and try to start seeing that you have many good things within your character. See a counselor if you can and work on getting out of the depression. We all live in pig sties sometimes in our lives. Some of us are not good at working. So what? Get back on your own side and stop putting yourself down! Best wishes to you! Big hug, too.

[-jimi-]

If I was depressed it would explain things, but nope, am not. Just looking at my life from a different standpoint.

I'm just looking at myself and realize how far from "normal" I really am. What I will do with that insight I guess time will tell.

I "can" write and I think I can get into music again, but for some reason I can't do art anymore, I tried and I just reverted back to a 9 year old.

Is it important to be good at stuff? I always thought so. But a lot of people who are actually normal, don't excel at anything. Maybe it's OK to just have fun? I have no idea. I have a quite easy time enjoying myself.

Meh, I want to be good at stuff.

[kkrrhh]

I can relate to so much of this right now, it's like I wrote it. Especially the first half of your last post.

The only advice I can give is to make sure depression's really not involved. I know what you mean about looking at things from a different standpoint, it's odd feeling like for once things honestly can't be explained away as depression and are just part of a legitimate realization that things actually suck. Still though, keep in mind depression could at the very least be exaggerating how bad those "realizations" are so they're all you can see right now, and making it impossible to see all the positives in yourself and your life. Artistic talent comes and goes for a lot of people, especially if depression's involved, so don't think you've lost it forever. I wouldn't doubt that you'll get back in the groove of things with practice, or, if the time's just not right now, in the future when it is.

[-jimi-]

Think more my ego got a bit hurt. When it happens it usually passes quite quickly. Still I need to handle the fact that I really have a disability that affects every aspect of my life. Thing is I haven't really thought about Aspergers as a disability. Just a different way of being. It feels weird being disabled. I'm a disabled person really? THAT disabled?

Bit confused.

[Ultimaspirit]

I know that feeling way too well. I've all but given up on much of my goals in life. Just sit in my room on disability benefits because I know no one would ever hire me. Hopefully there's a place, a job, an opportunity for people like us. If not, this is one cruel joke played on us.