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Veteran Member
Member Since Mar 2010
Location: Inside my head
Posts: 342
14 12 hugs
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Feb 16, 2012 at 07:47 PM
#1
Ok, I really don’t know how or where to start so I’m just going to start spouting **** as it hits me. I apologize if it is choppy and long and hard to read but I think this is the only way I’m going to get this out.
I think the first time I really realized something is seriously wrong with me now and I can’t ignore it, was when I started have the negative symptoms after a gradual but intense decline in my mentation. I was flat, dull, numb, empty, devoid. And then I realized that not only was I blunted but I was seriously depersonalizing. I was going into defense mode. I was freakin, as usual. Once I realized it I took the max dose of my as needed medication when I normally try to use it as little as possible. And it felt better. It really helped. I could tell a difference that I really liked. For the first time a med is actually doing what I want it to do. And that was really the recent a-hah moment for me to know that I have to learn more about this and get help. And so I started reading and reading… and reading. But back before my a-hah moment anxiety is the demon that possessed my brain. My anxiety is so severe that I am destroying my career as a veterinarian. I worked my *** off to get my doctorate and live my dream. And I did it. I did it well. I think, for the most part… I am intelligent and smart in my own way and I have built up a VERY elaborate and effective system of smoke and mirrors that fools even the people that are the closest to me. I’ve always been a master of disguise. It would destroy me to let people know that I am not the person that I appear to be anymore. I don’t want people to know that I am too terrified to perform my job and that my vomiting condition isn’t as enraged right now as I’m letting on that it is when I freeze and can’t beat myself into submission and go to work. I can’t make myself go bc I am hiding. I am so afraid and I just want it to be over. My career is never going to be what I wanted and that is because I have practically sabotaged myself. I’m so scared and I have been tearing my career apart myself by refusing to work bc I can’t control the fear and anxiety. I feel bad for my poor husband lately bc we are in financial distress and yet I cannot get the motivation to get up and go to work. That’s terrible isn’t it!? I mean, I know that if I were on the outside looking in on me I would totally think I was lazy and spoiled or something. I claim nausea and abdominal pain, and while I have both of those frequently, it is not every single morning like I have been saying to keep from going to work. I feel bad that he truly deserves better but I would do anything to keep our marriage strong. He really does love me and I’m sorry for making life difficult right now. And then I screw something up bc that’s what I do, and then hubby gets angry and says things that make me want to kill myself. I’m lucky to have him bc he truly does love me. That’s why he’s still with my crazy ***. But he gets fed up and is mean. I keep thinking that he’s getting madder and madder each time, and one day he is just going to be done with me and the love won’t be enough to make him stay bc his switch flipped and it can’t get flipped back. I’m so scared he’s going to leave me. When he gets mad he wants to get away from me. That’s only going to intensify. Anyways, I have tendencies towards schizoid PD, bipolar, AvPD, as well as borderline. 3 of them I don’t fit like a peg, but AvPD is SO just everything is me!!! It describes the person I am and when I read it I was in shock that I didn’t know until now that this disorder exists to help me explain and try to fix myself. With the exception of one thing – I don’t shy from human contact and there is no pain stimulus for me with human touch. I rather enjoy it too much and have to watch out or I will become momentarily mesmerized with someone that I have to touch for whatever reason throughout the workday. Sometimes I don’t notice I’m touching someone, but when I do notice it I am very aware of it. I’m sorry this is so long and rather disorganized. I have posted on this site in forums like anxiety but now that I know about AvPD I want to do an intro here so you all can get a feel for where I’m coming from. Do any of you relate to me here? Are there parts that you see in yourself too? If so, please tell me. I know this is what I have and I need validation right now. He is mad at me and I am trying to help myself so If anyone has comments I would love to hear what you have to say on the subject. Thank you for letting my spew my vile. Peace, Doc __________________ la doctora :mexican: |
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