[sunsetsunrise]

Hi
I am curious what other peoples experience is. Do you admit the AvPD to other people? I finally accepted the dx. But I am not admitting it to people. I feel very ashamed. I did admit it to one person. She dropped me pretty quickly. I have not heard back from her since, even though I have left messages. I finally know I fulfilled the "benefit of a doubt" and stopped contact.

Some people are glad to find out they are avoidant. It helps them to know why they are the way they are. But I am just so ashamed. Perhaps thats because I come from a family and background of such high functioning people. Feels like its just another thing to hide now. Another secret to keep. Another thing that makes me different. Just my thoughts. Would be curious what others think or feel

[daytimedreamer]

I don't know how to answer this properly without writing a novel, but I don't want to leave you hanging either. So I will do my best.

I have never been formally diagnosed with AvPD.

I've been aware that I've been struggling since I was 10 or so. I didn't understand why or in what ways. I thought maybe I was just depressed because of my life situation and that, once my situation changed, my moods would too.

When I turned 16, I found out about social anxiety on accident and it caught my attention. To a degree, it sounded like what I had been experiencing. I secretly joined some communities and read some posts about SA, trying to see how people's stories meshed with what I was experiencing. I found that, while I could relate a little, something still didn't feel right.

After a few months, I wrote it off as a mistake and decided that whatever was wrong with me (if there was something wrong with me at all) was mine alone.

When I was 19, I went through a really bad time and started to go online to find mental health information again. Now I was living on my own and I had a private computer, so I had more freedom to look around on the net.

One of the SA websites I was reading featured a thread about AvPD. I clicked on it out of curiousity and read the description. It seemed to describe everything that I was going through, both the things that I had trouble with and things that I had never even considered a problem. Things I believed were normal thought and behavioural patterns.

I pushed that information from my mind, trying to make a go of it on my own. Keyword being "trying", and not "succeeding".

When I was 20, I met a guy and we started a relationship. It seemed to be going well. He never pushed me for information and he was shy so I was never pressured to hang out with groups of people or go faster than I was comfortable with. We moved in together out of financial necessity, but we kept separate rooms and had different schedules. I had more time to myself than I did when I lived with my family.

While I lived with him, I was able to conceal most of the behaviours that embarrassed me. The depression, the need for solitude, the embarrassment in public, the hours-long daydreaming sessions. I'd cry in front of him every once and awhile and would avoid him for weeks afterwards because of the shame, but he always seemed to forget those instances and we'd never talk about them.

Things became pretty serious between he and I and we got engaged when I turned 23. I started to endlessly ruminate on how fake our relationship was. I was tricking him into being with me. If he really knew how messed up I was, he'd leave for sure. So, in an act that was two parts guilt and one part self-sabotage, I sent him an email that detailed many of my emotional problems and included some of my past mistakes as examples. I thought for sure that he'd break up with me.

He took it really well and he's actually been incredibly supportive. We floundered about it at first and he made a few really strange comments that threw me for a loop, but I'm definitely better off for telling him than I was before. He's probably the one person in the world who I almost trust. We got married last summer.

Of course I still hide a lot of things from him and I still feel like a con artist and a liar. I still think that, if I reveal just that ONE MORE THING, that it will be the straw that breaks the camel's back. Sometimes I tell him. Most of the time, I don't.

As for my family, I know that they are already so ashamed of me, of all the wasted potential, that I could never tell them anything. For them, I keep up the facade when I have to and mostly just stay away from them. When they ask where I've been, I usually lie and say I've been busy or whatever.

With the exception of one or two people from this site, I never talk about it to anyone else. And even the people on this site get very few details. This post is the most I've talked about it in a long time.

So, long story short, I admitted it to my husband out of a feeling of moral obligation, and, so far, I only regret it a little bit of the time (even though nothing bad has happened, I am not immune to feelings of panic about it).

For the most part, I am deeply ashamed of being the way I am, but I don't necessarily think about it as being ashamed of AvPD. Maybe because I don't have an actual dx? if anything, I feel ashamed of using these forums without one. I feel ashamed for even thinking that there is anything REALLY wrong with me when I am clearly just lazy and like to play victim for attention (never mind that I don't actually like attention).

If I did have a dx, I wouldn't tell anyone about it, other than the people who already knew about my issues (ie: my husband and someone on this site). It would be so embarrassing. People wouldn't know what it was and then I'd have to explain and they'd think I was exaggerating or being stupid... ugh. There's all these scenarios running through my head just thinking about it.

Probably I will immediately regret this post and panic about it, but I'm gonna force myself to turn off the computer and let the Delete Post timer expire. And now I have posted that I will do that, so I have to hold myself to it or risk further humiliation.

[sunsetsunrise]

Hey Daytimedreamer. great post. I read it in my email and was not planning to come here to answer so late at night ( past 5am where I live) but after I read your awesome post, I just had to take the time to come and answer. First, I feel so honored that you talked from your heart about this. I think that the humiliation is so much a part of this condition. I completely understand about the need to delete after posting. I thought I invented that, lol. Please dont feel ashamed of using the forums wihout a formal dx. Formal dx is not needed (((( hugs for you)))).

I am so very glad that you have a husband who accepts you. Thats wonderful. I am even more glad that you told him all about things before you got married. That way there is less of a feeling you need to hide things.

Yes, my family is ashamed of me. But no one could be more ashamed of me than I am. The pain of Avpd is huge for me. And I am sorry that anyone has to live with it, or any other condition, illness etc. They all are so painful.

You wrote " I feel ashamed for even thinking that there is anything REALLY wrong with me when I am clearly just lazy" yes. its hard. I have been judged as that. And no one judges me worse than I do.

I admire you for feeling worthy of having a husband. Definatly some other people who are AvPD do have husband wife or girlfriend. I never felt worthy of that. So I commend you for that. I hide alone. I guess you hide a lot with someone else there.

Thank you again for writing this. I feel honored that you did. Okay, now its 5:20 in the morning. time to floss my teeth and try to go to bed.

[Connor]

Originally Posted by sunsetsunrise

Hi
I am curious what other peoples experience is. Do you admit the AvPD to other people? I finally accepted the dx. But I am not admitting it to people. I feel very ashamed. I did admit it to one person. She dropped me pretty quickly. I have not heard back from her since, even though I have left messages. I finally know I fulfilled the "benefit of a doubt" and stopped contact.

I don't talk about things like this to the vast majority of people I have to deal with. In fact, I don't talk much, period. This is at once a symptom of my AvPD and a coping strategy. I'm sure a lot of the people who know me think I'm unfriendly, but I find that (at least for a guy) it's better to be considered cold than to be judged weak. And that's exactly how most people interpret shyness in men. To make it worse, shyness in the ordinary sense is still a step above AvPD. I remember being shy back when I was a teenager but that was a long time ago, and I was better then....

Another issue is that, in my experience, most people don't know (or want to know) anything about psychology. Any actual diagnostic term that goes in their ears is automatically translated into some variation of "weird" or "loser". Educated people seem to be no different from the uneducated in this regard, just less honest about it. Sure they'll give the correct, ritual response when asked directly about tolerance for people with disabilities, but when they're not being put on the spot, their attitudes are identical to everyone else.

[sunsetsunrise]

Originally Posted by Connor

I don't talk about things like this to the vast majority of people I have to deal with. In fact, I don't talk much, period. This is at once a symptom of my AvPD and a coping strategy. I'm sure a lot of the people who know me think I'm unfriendly, but I find that (at least for a guy) it's better to be considered cold than to be judged weak. And that's exactly how most people interpret shyness in men. To make it worse, shyness in the ordinary sense is still a step above AvPD. I remember being shy back when I was a teenager but that was a long time ago, and I was better then....

Another issue is that, in my experience, most people don't know (or want to know) anything about psychology. Any actual diagnostic term that goes in their ears is automatically translated into some variation of "weird" or "loser". Educated people seem to be no different from the uneducated in this regard, just less honest about it. Sure they'll give the correct, ritual response when asked directly about tolerance for people with disabilities, but when they're not being put on the spot, their attitudes are identical to everyone else.

Connor, in my experience, I am not going to disagree with anything you have written, except to say that I do not think that most people here at pc judge ( know you were not saying they did. Just wanted you to know my expereince). I have found an occassional person here who no longer wanted to know me once they know the ugly truth. But its the rare occassional person. So here I think you can talk about things here at pc and not be judged, if you want. Or that is my general experience.

I am very ashamed of being AvPD. I do not have a light case of it,as it became further entrenched over the years. Although I do not have the disorders that often go along with it. Its funny how pain of rejection is a sympton of the disorder. And yet the disorder does cause rejection for me. Vicious cycle

[whisperfades]

I didn't really know I had this untill like 6 months ago.It would be nice to talk with someone about it.I wish I new how to fix it.Will i always be like this?

[Connor]

Originally Posted by sunsetsunrise

Connor, in my experience, I am not going to disagree with anything you have written, except to say that I do not think that most people here at pc judge ( know you were not saying they did. Just wanted you to know my expereince). I have found an occassional person here who no longer wanted to know me once they know the ugly truth. But its the rare occassional person. So here I think you can talk about things here at pc and not be judged, if you want. Or that is my general experience.

That's ok; I didn't think they did. At least (since I'm new here) I'm hoping they don't....

Seriously, the best social experience of my life was a decade or so I spent hanging around in ex-patient social clubs in the Boston area. Being around people who didn't automatically ostracize me for having an illness allowed me to be myself for the first (and only) time in my adult life. Most of them were run by staff, but my favorite was a place run purely by ex-patients. Eventually I had to move on, and I lost contact with most of them, but it was great while it lasted.

So yeah, I'm open to giving pc a good try.

Originally Posted by sunsetsunrise

I am very ashamed of being AvPD. I do not have a light case of it,as it became further entrenched over the years. Although I do not have the disorders that often go along with it. Its funny how pain of rejection is a sympton of the disorder. And yet the disorder does cause rejection for me. Vicious cycle

Yeah, I know what you mean. Being paranoid as well as AvPD, I tend to think of the whole thing is terms of being singled out for attack by others but underneath that, there's a lot of shame too. I hate this weakness that prevents me from asserting myself. There's all kinds of experiences I would have wanted to have if this crap hadn't gotten in the way. It's galling to think that no matter what I try to do, this is going to come up. It's leaves me choking with helpless anger. Most of the time, I have to not think about this stuff.

Luckily for me I'm good at entertaining myself, or I'd have gone around the bend a long time ago,
and not come back...

[Connor]

Originally Posted by whisperfades

I didn't really know I had this untill like 6 months ago.It would be nice to talk with someone about it.I wish I new how to fix it.Will i always be like this?

I wish I had something cheerful to tell you, but I don't.

There's no easy way to fix this but if left alone, it will just get worse over time. You want to break this pattern NOW! while you're still young. AvPd tends to block people from doing things and having experiences that are normal for their age. That's bad enough in itself, but many of these experiences also have an aspect of social initiation to them. As in, you're expected to have undergone them in a certain general time frame, and not to have done so will be considered weird by potential friends & mates. Their negative reactions will then trigger your negative feelings, which will make you want to withdraw even more, and thus the vicious circle is set in motion...

So what can you do? Check out a wide variety of different groups, settings, and sub-cultures. As much as you can, try to let go of value judgements, and focus only on whether or not you feel comfortable with them, or at least less uncomfortable than usual. Once you find one or two groups you at least sort of flow with, then take them seriously. WORK at fitting in like it was school or a job. Try to become a better member of the group by whatever criteria are in effect.

It won't be easy, but you're too young to give up and accept defeat. Your fate is not yet written,
so don't act as if it is.

[sunsetsunrise]

Originally Posted by Connor

That's ok; I didn't think they did. At least (since I'm new here) I'm hoping they don't....

Seriously, the best social experience of my life was a decade or so I spent hanging around in ex-patient social clubs in the Boston area. Being around people who didn't automatically ostracize me for having an illness allowed me to be myself for the first (and only) time in my adult life. Most of them were run by staff, but my favorite was a place run purely by ex-patients. Eventually I had to move on, and I lost contact with most of them, but it was great while it lasted.

So yeah, I'm open to giving pc a good try.


Yeah, I know what you mean. Being paranoid as well as AvPD, I tend to think of the whole thing is terms of being singled out for attack by others but underneath that, there's a lot of shame too. I hate this weakness that prevents me from asserting myself. There's all kinds of experiences I would have wanted to have if this crap hadn't gotten in the way. It's galling to think that no matter what I try to do, this is going to come up. It's leaves me choking with helpless anger. Most of the time, I have to not think about this stuff.

Luckily for me I'm good at entertaining myself, or I'd have gone around the bend a long time ago,
and not come back...

Connor, I am glad you are here !!

[sunsetsunrise]

Originally Posted by whisperfades

I didn't really know I had this untill like 6 months ago.It would be nice to talk with someone about it.I wish I new how to fix it.Will i always be like this?

I do agree with Connor. It is a progressive disorder, I thiink. The point is to not allow oneself to give in to the desires to isolate, or avoid things. No matter what. To get help for the AvPD ( feelings about oneself included). Because while maybe the tendency might always be a bit of a challenge, it can be managed well with dedication and help. And yes, you can lead a good life. The important thing is to stay on the right track. Dedicated and determined.

I read your profile. And it sounds to me like you are making good choices for yourself . you are not allowing yourself to get into trouble. Thats great. It shows maturity and responsability. This is really good !!!! I am very glad you are at pc.

[whisperfades]

I will try but I really do tend to avoid people.I even get my jobs to be in the night.I dont think I will ever go in a chat room too.The people will want me to talk and i just freeze.It gets very embarrasing and i just feel like in a trap and cant get out.

[christa]

Most people don't have any idea about most PDs, let alone AvPD, so there is no reason to discuss it. I also suspect that this disorder is quite unusual. AvPd actually is at the end of a spectrum where shyness is at the exact opposite of the spectrum and social phobias are in the middle and AvPD is at the end. It is a severe disorder, in terms of anxiety and inability to cure, does this make sense? Anyone who has it, I do, just has to learn to find ways to adapt to the outside world.

[sunsetsunrise]

Originally Posted by whisperfades

I will try but I really do tend to avoid people.I even get my jobs to be in the night.I dont think I will ever go in a chat room too.The people will want me to talk and i just freeze.It gets very embarrasing and i just feel like in a trap and cant get out.

Whisperfades, I am just glad you feel safe enough to be here. I am really sorry that its so painful for you. all I want to say to you is that you sound like a really kind person. ( even if you dont think you are). Are you getting help from a therapist? if its okay I would like to give you some really safe hugs ((((whisperfades))))

[whisperfades]

Thank you sunset.I have not seen a T where I am now.I work a good deal.In my hometown I was diagnosed.I have no insurance for therapy.I do look on the puter for help .Your all so nice.

[sunsetsunrise]

((((( whisperfades))))) , please keep coming here. Use this community as your main support, if you can, until you can find some local support. Because people here will care. Some already do. I do !!!

[Connor]

Originally Posted by whisperfades

I will try but I really do tend to avoid people.I even get my jobs to be in the night.

I did the exact same thing. That's probably typical of people with our disorder. I was a security guard at night for so long, I never readjusted to a normal life-cycle. That's why I keep this vampire schedule. I basically go to sleep when the sun comes up.

Originally Posted by whisperfades

I dont think I will ever go in a chat room too.The people will want me to talk and i just freeze.It gets very embarrassing and i just feel like in a trap and cant get out.

I know the feeling. I always feel like I'm trapped, when I have to make small talk with somebody I don't trust, and I trust very few people.

As for chat rooms, I've been online for more than 15 years but I've never gotten into them, partly for what you said, and partly because I just don't type that fast. I might try it here at some point but not right now. The next thing I want to do here is join a couple of the social groups.

[Connor]

Originally Posted by christa

Most people don't have any idea about most PDs, let alone AvPD, so there is no reason to discuss it. I also suspect that this disorder is quite unusual. AvPd actually is at the end of a spectrum where shyness is at the exact opposite of the spectrum and social phobias are in the middle and AvPD is at the end.

I had the impression that SP and AvPD were basically the same thing and the overlap was due to some kind of turf battle between psychiatrists. I'm not saying this to argue; you sound like you know more about the subject than I do.

There is supposed to be a lot of politics involved in the yearly revisions of the DSM. Ages ago, I skimmed through a book about how the DSM is compiled. It was written by a woman psychiatrist who was involved in the process until (she said) she got disgusted with the politics. The Psych Establishment claims she was just a disgruntled munchkin who was forced out for incompetence. There's no way to know the truth but it does seem strange how often the DSM changes...

[Fuzzybear]

Hi, sorry this reply is so late . Yes I've been labelled as "avoidant and I usually avoid this part of the forum.
I was deeply shamed in childhood (by Narcissists.... Never belonged in the foo. It's hurts, so much .
No... I usually don't tell anyone...
It's hard to even type this
Self condemnation.....(abusing self where they left off). Building higher walls, physical stuff, so sick of all that physical stuff. Grrrrrrrrrrrr
(whiny *** me... I'm sorry)
(think / seems I have a very young split......(confirmed by a t . When trying for a baby he told me I already had one thanks t

Wishing peace to all

(ps I also trust very few people)

[A Red Panda]

I wouldn't talk about this part of me with anyone really. It was hard starting to mention it to my T. I'm not diagnosed.

My entire life has been about hiding myself, and unlike a lot of AvPD.... I opted for hiding in plain sight, so while I have all the thoughts... I don't act shy or withdrawn. I keep it inside. So.. I wouldn't willingly tell anyone about it.

[Fuzzybear]

((((( whisperfades )))))))) I don't know if you're still around, reading on pc... But if you are, I care too

Ps this is a great thread, I wish I'd seen it sooner, and been brave enough to contribute, had I done so, as so many of you here have done. Sending safe love and hugs (if ok)

Oh yes been labelled as lazy, and worse, many times... By self and others

Originally Posted by whisperfades

Thank you sunset.I have not seen a T where I am now.I work a good deal.In my hometown I was diagnosed.I have no insurance for therapy.I do look on the puter for help .Your all so nice.

[Lazermage]

No, I've never admitted to people that I have AvPD, I still have to visit a psychologist to check if I really have AvPD, I match the description and can relate to others, though.
I'm too scared that if I would tell people that I struggle with AvPD that they wouldn't accept me anymore, not that I really get accepted anyways (exept for here, this place is great!).

And also, for the same reason as whisperfades I don't really go to the chat rooms, I don't know what I have to expect from the others, if they will lead the conversation, what I'll have to say. I even prepare my own dialogues the day beforehand I go to my school so I don't have to make it up! And it's the same for the posts really, either I don't post them or work on them for hours, even if they were just short, like this one

[mom2beagle]

I am very new to dealing with this whole thing, but probably will not tell anyone either. I'm already considered strange enough-don't need to give anyone proof that I am.

[JadeAmethyst]

Finding some release and relief in all those who posted in this thread. Thanks. I myself have felt so much shame and been told to "just get out there" but when getting out there I tended to hide out in ways that were barely functional: worked on night shifts for many years. Have throughout life gotten way more homebound these days. I feel absurd for this part of my mature years.

Thanks all,
Jade

[Hoasis]

I think (and understandably so) its very difficult for "normal" people that are not so sensitive to udnerstand our situation, so there is no way I would say that I have APD to anyone, because they would probably laugh behind my back.

[Needsmet]

You pose a very interesting question. I think coming out of the closet (AVpd) should probably be a personal journey that would depend on a few criteria and your own personal experiences.

For example, I would not recommend an Avoidant to admit something like this in a job setting. I dont think most bosses would look too favorable on telling them that you really dont like people.

Especially if your job is Customer Service.

Its might also not be a good thing to admit this in most social circles. I think it would depend on the level of the friendship.

Some spouses cant even handle such an admission. Much less a less safe friendship. But then again, some friends would be able to handle this.

I think admitting that you are an Avoidant would be something that would require lots of thought and prayer.

Even for me, this has been something that I have thought and prayed about for many many years.

I dont have any real friendships, so there is not much to worry about there. For me, I would tell them at some point. Not in the beginning, but eventually I would.

For me personally, I have come out of the closet with this. But it can be costly. Most people wont know how to deal with it. Luckily my wife has learned to deal with it very well, with a lot of help from God.

So to answer your question, I think that is a personal decision that you will have to make and may be different for others.