...first timer...

Hey Lise. I didn't mean to sound mean and that is a difficult situation with your mom being a nurse. My dad was a pastor so we always had to be the perfect family and never have any problems or make any mistakes. It was a horrible lie we lived and I was tormented by not being able to get any help.

If your mom is a nurse (and I know it's scary and she might be mad) I'm pretty sure she would at least want to treat your wound at home, even if she doesn't want everyone at the hospital knowing about it. She would know if you need further help. If you can't tell her, write her a note. If you think she would freak out (I don't know her so I can't say), get to a clinic or somewhere that she doesn't work. I really think she would want to know and I think she'd be more upset if you let it go and become infected by not telling anyone. She's still your mom and doesn't want you to get sick, even if it might be uncomfortable for her to face the fact that you have problems that need immediate attention.

I'm not saying that the future is perfect or rosy...mine hasn't been and I'm still not totally well. I'm only saying that with time, distance from family, and perspective, you will find happiness. 2004-2007 were the happiest years of my life (moved out in '04). I've sunk into a depression these past two years, but I can look back and those 3 and know it won't always be this way.

Take care of you.

Yeah, I know it can get infected..but I know how to stitch them up, so I should be ok. Plus if I did go to the hospital for it they would have to call my mom or other family member if im a 'threat' to myself.

No, I dont have any close friends to help me, the one friend I have that knows everything moved to the US and we dont talk anymore.
Thanks though

Dont worry, I didnt think of it as mean

It must have been hard growing up in a environment like that. Its tough not being accepted!

I understand what you are saying, but I think its almost better going through this with a roof over my head then to be kicked out onto the street while dealing with this. When my sister went through things similar to me she sent her off to a home. I couldnt deal with that I dont think. But you do make some good points.

I am sorry you have had to deal with depression for the past two years, I know how tough it can be! Im here if you need to talk, even if I'm not the best at advice

Sometimes we're better at giving advice than following through with it ourselves (in my case). I know all the right things to do (exercise, don't drink, etc.) but I feel so terrible I just want to curl up and sleep all the time when I'm this down.

I'm looking into getting a new p-doc and having my meds adjusted because things just aren't working for me and the side effects are making me feel worse in some ways than before I sought treatment. I can sleep at night, but my legs are shaky and I feel dizzy and nauseous sometimes.

You're sweet to think of me in the midst of your situation. I'm very fortunate that I have a lot of people I'm putting into my support structure. Got up the guts to tell my mom about it (who lives in another state) and also my closest 2 friends (both in other states), my partner, a couple of the staff at the university, and my therapist. I wish I could help you to find a support system just for you.

I hope you get to go to college because most of them have a health center and low cost insurance. You'll be able to get more help than you are right now. What do you think your chances are? Are you hoping to go?

Yeah, I agree 100% that its way easier to give advice than to take it, especially when your stubborn (not saying you are, just some people in general). Yeah I understand what you mean, just like you want to sleep into eternity right?

Its good that your looking out for a know p-doc because it obviously isnt the right med. if your still feeling depressed and having this side effects. There are so many meds out there, I am sure you will find the right one for you

Nah I dont think I'm being sweet, I am just being who I am, I like to help people and listen, even if I'm not the best.

Yeah it is amazing that you have a structure of support around you like that, although I honestly dont see that happening anytime in the future with me. Not to seem like I dont have any friends, but I have a very small family and I have many friends, but none of which would be able to handle or even talk about this, its too much for them and I would rather live with it then put undue stress and sadness on their shoulders, they already hold the weight of the world.

Yes I will be going to college for nursing soon, I am taking a year off after highschool and travelling around the world, volunteering, backpacking, but I will be spending most of the time in south america. After that i'll be in college.

I am sorry for being so much trouble, its just that I am horrible with talking to people about my situation and feelings in real life, its like my body wont let me.

Thanks

Wow Lise, thats great you going off the travel.! You will meet loads of people! Try to look forward to that! And focus on it and plan it! I think thats great, i wish i did that!

And then college.. Now you deffo will meet new friends in college. I know its a lonely place for you right now and sounds like it always has been. You are so young and you never think it will get better and looking back when i was 17 i thought exactly the same.. when someone said to me "it will get better or easier" i felt so mad and thought they just dont understand and i would go back in my lonely place, not talking to anyone.

But it was so true.. them people who i thought were patronising me and not understanding me were right. I will always struggle and always have problems like everyone on this forum but its learning how to cope. I have learnt alot since i was 17 and lost with all these thoughts and feelings..dont get me wrong i am still learning now 10 years later but am able to recognise the thoughts and feelings and deal with them when they arise... dont give up hope.. look forward to your travelling plans and college, the next stage in your life. One of many more to come.. I beleive you will feel better. No doubt in my mind...

We are all here for you, just a touch of the botton. xx

Hey
Yeah travelling will be fun if I can make it that long, I didnt think things could get worse but I guess I was proved wrong huh?

Yeah I am sure I will meet new friends in college, but I am also sure I wont be telling them about it, its hard enough for me to express my daily emotions to people in real life, I cannot imagine myself being able to talk to people one on one.

It is def a great thing you have learned to cope, that must make it a lot easier living life with your pain.

I was kind of the same when I was 17. I didn't want anyone to know emotionally what was going on. I had to "keep it together" for myself and others around me. I still have a hard time asking for help. Even though I've had long term depression since I was 7, I didn't ask for help until I was 20...then I had a bad meds reaction (Paxil is evil in my opinion) and swore off any drugs for life...still not in therapy. Tried therapy at age 26. Stopped it. Got more depressed. Got meds at 28 (almost 29), still not right a year later. Started therapy again a couple of months ago. That's the short version anyway. So, asking for help isn't easy and I relate.

I took a year off after high school too. I went to Brazil for 2 months, took a trip down the Amazon. That was a memory no one can take away. World travel is tres cool. I've been to London, Paris, Rome, SE Asia too, along with Canada and Mexico. There's no substitute for being there in person and seeing how close together we are...other countries, cultures, languages. It's difficult to judge people after you've seen the world. I notice people come out of their travels more tolerant, more alive, more understanding of individuals and groups. I'd like to live somewhere in Europe or maybe the northern Mediterranean. Can't wait to leave again.

Good for you! Hang in there. You've got a lot to look forward to. But I still hope you can find some help in the very near future. Don't like that you are hurting.

I'm such a wuss. I had to get my blood drawn today at the urgent care and I cried and hyperventilated like I always do. Hate, hate, HATE needles. I close my eyes before they even get out the equip and don't open them again until the bandage is on.

Stay in touch, chica. (I can say that, I grew up in LA )

Hey
Well its not that I dont want anyone to know really, like I wish I had someone to talk to, but I just cant. I am so ashamed of what happened, and everythings getting even worse now with all this new info and situations popping up. I cant enjoy myself any more, I go out with friends, do the whole partying it up thing, but its always in my thoughts. Sorry to bore you -.-

I am sorry you were so young when you were depressed, I can relate, I attempted suicide at 6 or 7 years of age. Didnt work, obviously. And I am sorry you have had such a rouch road to ride. But its good to hear that you are going to therapy now, im proud of you

Thats amazing that you have been travelling to so many places. I have to. I have been to uruguay (my background on one side), brazil, dominican, cuba, myro (right off barbados), barbados, all over the US, All throughout and around Jamaica, and in sept I will be in greece for 3 weeks. As much as I am looking forward to it, I am scared I will do something I will regret before going that will ruin the trip.

Your not a wuss, many people don't like to have blood taken. I have seen many people who are scared of needles, but its nothing to be ashamed of, it does hurt, and is a completely reasonable fear

Well, where I live, I would say keep in touch homie, but I am sure I would get shot if I did haha

Sup, homes Yeah, we said that too. Even if me and my bro were blancos. Whatever, I'm Native American, Viking/Norman, French, Irish, Scottish, and Austro-Hungarian. So, I only need some African, a splash of Asian (unless the NA already counts b/c they crossed Bering Sea over the ice bridge from Asia), and some Latina and I'm all set.

Oh my god, you attempted at 6 or 7? I wish I'd have thought of it. Morbid sense of humor (sorry). You're a tough cookie to have survived your childhood. You don't have to tell me any details, but if you feel like talking about anything, you can always PM me and I'll give you my email too.

I'm so envious that you're going to Greece in Sept. Are you graduated? I graduated at 17. Or just taking a trip a week before school starts?

Been all over the US too, one time on a manic episode. Don't give me a car and a credit card. Haha.

I wish you had someone you could talk to in person also that you could trust. I still feel alone even with all of the people around me. Depression feels like a cone of isolation.

Me and needles do not mix, but I'm still a wuss. If I got an injury playing sports and was gushing blood I wouldn't freak, but one needle and I'm a mess.

Hard to concentrate right now, b/c my guy is watching Ali G indahouse the movie. It's too silly.

Haha its funny you two talkin in american accents.. (well im imagining it obviously).

I like it the boring UK, i'd love you see america and see if it is what its like in the movies on the tele!

Anyway, Lise, you said before you didnt think things would get worse but they have.. And now your thinkin things wont get any better?? You know what im goin to say next dont you

Try to take each day as it comes, i know its easier said that done but its a "must do" sometimes.

And dont get me wrong, i still dont cope and want to hurt myself and end it all but i know that feelin i get wont last forever. Its more about understanding yourself and the illnes of depression/bipolar etc.. And the older you get the wiser you get and the more you will understand it.

Why dont you keep a mood diary, and moniter each day how you are feeling and what thoughts you have which is makin you feel that way. Sometimes you think things in your subconcious without even realising it and that causes horrible feelings. So try it, to write it down in a mood diary... And you may see some sort of pattern and may help you understand yourself, even if just a little bit.. you'll get there. Your a tough little cookie you xxx

like David Bowie says, "I'm afraid of Americans."

Wow, huge mix huh?
I am half spanish, and my other half is mixed with native indian, english, irish, welsh, and lots of little bits.

Yeah, took a whole bottle of my moms pills from her purse, unfortunatly my sister found me and i was rushed to the hosp. I also tried many other times but of course failed, i was too young. No its ok, I think we all have that morbid sense of humor. Yeah, well I wish I had ended it then, cause it just got worse and worse. And now that I started SI again, its worse then ever. I just want to run away and be done with everything. I am not strong enough for this.

Nah, I am not graduated yet, I am just taking 3 weeks off school in sept.

Yeah the US is awesome, wish I lived there, stupid canada haha
Yeah my tour around the US was uh, memorable hah

Nah, theres no one in person, I wouldnt want to burden them anyway.

Yeah, needles can be scary though, I understand

Thanks

Haha, im canadian, but everyone thinks I am american

Yeah, but its hard to believe things will get easier when things are this bad ><

Its comendable (sp?) that you have been able to cope with SI, its something thats hard to stop or keep from doing, but its great that you have been able to

I should, but I would never end up doing it, I dont really have the time, and i'd most likely forget. That is a great idea though. Nah, I am not tough, just havnt been able to do anything haha.

Oh that's right, you're Canadian...I was born on Canada Day...does that make me an honorary member?

I'm going to see the new Harry Potter movie today. I've never read the books, but kinda want to. I think the phenom missed me by 10 years. I was too old when they 1st came out. when was it? Post '97 when I graduated hs? Not sure.

Feeling better today b/c I changed my meds on my own. Just taking less of one so far.

Do something fun just for you today.

Haha, guess so, only for you though :P

Ohh, yeah, I have never really been interested in harry potter

Aww, good to hear that your feeling better

Yeah, I am, going to a party tonight *woot*

Sweet. Now don't go drunk dialing later. You's too young to get messed up. Boys are animals at that age...okay, any age. Haha.

Haha nah I don't drunk dial, I drunk strip LOL

Trust me I know guys are animals, lol, ESP when their drunk
But sometimes that makes it fun LOL

Naughty girl. Yikes, I was way to shy to drunk anything until I was 23. Such a goodie good until then. Then mania showed me the way Bad me.

No really, make sure you have a female friend or two to get you home in one piece.

Haha yes I'm a naughty girl! Wow so late huh? Well I was introduced to these things early, and all the fun with it

Nah I don't need them, that's the fun of finding your way home drunk or anything else haha so many stories

Just leaving now

How're you doing today? Did you drink plenty of water? I always drink a big glass of water before bed, it usually prevents hangovers. I'm still against you drinking at your age. Your brain is still developing. But it sounds like you're already a veteran.

I waited until I was 23 because I was still trying to live up to my parents expectations. They are fundamentalist Christians. Too many bad memories to go down that road, but I was a late bloomer, to put it mildly. I drank too much from age 23-27, now I'm practically dry. My liver and other organs needed a break and I don't drink when I'm depressed...not very much anyway.

You take care of yourself.

Man i was drinkin on the streets at the age of 13. By 17 i was doin all sorts of things.. Everyones brought up in different societies. That was the norm at my age where i grew up...

xx

Eh, not the best, horrible actually, but I dont want to complain lol, you?. No, I have had a perpetual hangover the past few days, I guess I should give myself time between parties but then the days go faster, so why not right? Yeah I probably should have drank water, but its too late lol. Yeah many people are against drinking at my age, and I agree, but it works, so why not?

Yeah my mom is like that to, thats why I have to sneak out and all that stuff. If she found out about my lifestyle i'd be kicked out so fast.

Its good you stopped drinking

Yeah same same. I used to joke that I wasnt ever given breat milk, it was vodka haha

Well...it does pass the time, yeah. Vodka used to be my fave. It's not that I don't drink, I just keep it to a minimum as all my meds go through my liver. So 1/2 a glass of wine or beer usually these days.

My last therapist used to tell me, when I was still drinking a lot, that alcohol doesn't solve any problems, it just creates a new one and keeps you from dealing with all the other ones that are back logged. Not trying to be preachy or anything, just saying what always rings in my head when I want to go on a bender. I can't deal with any more problems right now! Ya know?

Hangovers suck. Hope you're getting rehydrated now anyway. Gotta work tomorrow. Will check back to see how you're doin'.