I think I am getting worse

BNLsMOM · Jul 08, 2009, 03:01 PM

In the space of a month, I have had an actual diagnosis, given Topamax which landed me in the hospital, given Trileptal in the hospital, gone to partial hospitalization. I feel worse. I feel more depressed than I did before. I feel like more of a failure than I ever have. I feel like an ill person. I am so tired.

I can't take care of my kids or my house. The only reason I get up and take a shower is because I have to be at the partial program in the morning. Otherwise I would be sleeping and hiding all day. I can't speak without bursting into tears. I feel all my insecurities and anxiety with my whole body. I want to be invisible, but at the same time I want someone to come along and hold me and make it all better.

I am so confused. Why am I more sick now that I am getting treatment?

amaviena · Jul 08, 2009, 03:18 PM

Tell your doctors how you feel. If you feel like its to hard to say, WRITE IT DOWN. You do not need to be in pain. I pray for your speedy recovery. Have the strength to take it hour by hour. You WILL get there.

Keep us updated.

Nikki_busymind · Jul 08, 2009, 05:43 PM

This is not the end, this is the begining of you taking control of your illness and finding the right meds. Its possible that this bad period would have happened regardless of your getting help or not. Its just fortunate that everything is in place now, while you're at your lowest. A problem has been identified with your brain chemicals, the solution isn't going to be overnight. Do take each day as it comes. Keep an online journal or scribble pad by the bed. Drop notes on your mood. There may be the slightest improvement, but unless its documented you might not realise. You may identify worse days or worse times in the day.

Look after yourself, plan some small goals for the day (either to take a walk, catch up with a friend over coffee) its only doing things that'll make you feel like you're alive. If you give in the low, it'll get harder to beat.

Take care of yourself,

xxWant2Escapexx · Jul 08, 2009, 10:16 PM

i dont really have too much advice for you....i know in my case things seemed to have gotten worse before better.....and it seems "your" right combo of meds may not be the ones that you are currently on.I think that at one time or another all of us on here (sorry,dont mean to speak for everyone) had to deal with trying different meds,different ways of dealing with things,till everything was fine tuned and things seemed stable...you WILL get there,its not a matter of "if" but "when".......lots of hugs to you!!!

Sinabee · Jul 09, 2009, 04:31 PM

I think I am gettig worse too! I am only 17 yrs old and I am scared I dunno what to do!!!

I NEED HELP!!!

thinker22 · Jul 10, 2009, 12:30 PM

Hey Sinabee, why don't you start a new thread and explain your situation if you've not already done so.

BLNs (sorry if I mess up the lettering order, not dyslexic, but similar reading brain translation issues), it sounds like you're barely surviving right now. You're probably not on the site because you're too overwhelmed and depressed. That's okay. All you need to be doing right now is staying in communication with your docs and telling them exactly how badly you're feeling and asking them what can be done to improve that. Your quality of life is a very important issue and if you're crippled to the point of not being able to do anything but shower, because you have to go to a meeting, they need to know that.

We're here for you when you can write again.

Amazonmom · Jul 10, 2009, 12:33 PM

Bnlsmom....

Hang on. You can and will improve. I know it doesn't seem that way.

Hugs.

Sinabee · Jul 10, 2009, 12:41 PM

THINKER22!! Thank you!!

I feel a little better today.. but it changes all the time..so theres no telling how i will feel later... Maybe I will start one... I dont know how to yet...I will find it. look out for my thread!

BNLsMOM · Jul 10, 2009, 07:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by thinker22

Hey Sinabee, why don't you start a new thread and explain your situation if you've not already done so.

BLNs (sorry if I mess up the lettering order, not dyslexic, but similar reading brain translation issues), it sounds like you're barely surviving right now. You're probably not on the site because you're too overwhelmed and depressed. That's okay. All you need to be doing right now is staying in communication with your docs and telling them exactly how badly you're feeling and asking them what can be done to improve that. Your quality of life is a very important issue and if you're crippled to the point of not being able to do anything but shower, because you have to go to a meeting, they need to know that.

We're here for you when you can write again.

I have told my doctors and my therapist and my therapist is the only one who thinks I need a med adjustment, but he can't do it. Everyone else is saying that I have to work the program and wait for my meds to kick in. I am getting very confused and frustrated and now my outside support is crumbling. (Made a separate post on that). I am feeling very anxious now. Hopefully I will have a good weekend and feel better on Monday.

thinker22 · Jul 10, 2009, 07:46 PM

Know what you mean. I'm supposed to wait out this severe depression for the next 10 days with no med adjustment. An hour seems eternal right now. That's 240 eternities to wait.

Hope you feel better too over the weekend. I don't recommend this, but I'm having a drink, because honestly, it couldn't make me feel any worse. Numb would be nice at this point.

BNLsMOM · Jul 11, 2009, 08:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by thinker22

Know what you mean. I'm supposed to wait out this severe depression for the next 10 days with no med adjustment. An hour seems eternal right now. That's 240 eternities to wait.

Hope you feel better too over the weekend. I don't recommend this, but I'm having a drink, because honestly, it couldn't make me feel any worse. Numb would be nice at this point.

I mad a contract that I would stay free form alcohol while I am in the partial program and although I don't have a substance abuse problem, I take the contract seriously. BUT, a drink would be so nice right now.

I will say that today has been a better day. I slept most of the morning (will probably bite me in arse when it is time for bed tonight) but the rest of the day distracted myself by beng outside and doing some shopping for the kids that I have been putting off. I hope to remain just as distracted tomorrow and bring this better feeling to partial on Monday.

thinker22 · Jul 12, 2009, 12:55 AM

Distraction is good. I'm doing my best at that to try to make it through this weekend. It's so hard sometimes.

Sinabee · Jul 12, 2009, 02:59 PM

what??

nobody is going to my thread

thinker22 · Jul 12, 2009, 03:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sinabee

what??

nobody is going to my thread

Which one(s) are you referring to. Is there one outside of the bipolar section that you've posted?

Sinabee · Jul 12, 2009, 04:25 PM

it is in the bipolar thing.... i guess nobody has anything to say...

i need love

thinker22 · Jul 12, 2009, 04:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sinabee

it is in the bipolar thing.... i guess nobody has anything to say...

i need love

(((((((Sinabee))))))

jattitude · Jul 12, 2009, 04:40 PM

Sinabee, I could not find your thread, so I will borrow this one! lol Here is some love for ya

pm me if you would like, Jen

Sinabee · Jul 12, 2009, 06:57 PM

THANK YOU Thinker & Jen!!!!

Sinabee · Jul 12, 2009, 07:12 PM

i see it!! it says HELP!! im 17.... i forgot the rest.. hehe

thinker22 · Jul 18, 2009, 10:16 AM

How are you doing BNLs? What's going on?

Hope you're okay.

Thinking of you.

BNLsMOM · Jul 18, 2009, 07:23 PM

I was OK for a couple of days and then I gor very Fidgety yesterday like I had coffee running through me. It felt like when I started the Topamax.

Today I am agitated and triggered by everything. I am so angry and I have tried just about ALL of my anger management skills. I hope this passes soon because it can't be good for my family.

thinker22 · Jul 18, 2009, 08:00 PM

Yikes. My only form of anger management is sleep or yelling in the car when I'm alone.

Remember, you're not the mood. Try to separate yourself from the feelings (she says, knowing full well that I can't separate myself from my depression when I'm in the midst of it).

Not sure what else I'd do in your situation. Perhaps call the therapist and have him/her talk you down?

BNLsMOM · Jul 18, 2009, 08:27 PM

It's a little better now that the kids are in bed and it is finally quiet around here. I just think I expected too much out of myself today. I just got out of the hospital two weeks ago and will be finishing my partial program on Monday.

I think I am OK. I almost hit a crisis point, but I have to remember that I am still vulnerable right now and I need to slow down. I am still feeling pretty bummed but at the same time really agitated.

By the way, thank you for checking in with me so much. I appreciate it.

thinker22 · Jul 19, 2009, 11:17 AM

Keep in touch. You'll be vulnerable for some time, yes. But that's okay. Take as long as you need to recover, program or no.

We'll be here if you want to talk.

BNLsMOM · Jul 19, 2009, 04:44 PM

Oh boy. I posted about today if you want to read it. It could be triggering so be careful if you aren't feeling well. I am definitely getting worse. My mood is all over the place. I thought I was on a mood STABILIZER. What happened to the stabilization part?

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