[BNLsMOM]

I just don't want to have bipolar. I had three good days and then today I was frustrated and angry. It's all I can do to get my kids aout of the house and I am ruining their childhoods. Part of this is social anxiety and I think I have developed agorophobia. My T-doc and I are working on this, but I don't like to go places because it is too hard/scary. I don't like to be with people because I am scared of most of the people I know or don't know, there are certain stores I won't go to, certain coffee shops I will only go to if they have a drive thru, and only certain gas stations I will go to because I am uncomfortable going to others. I only feel good at certain restaurants, so I miss out on the tiny bistros.

I just want to wake up one day and say to my kids, "Let's go to the..." and not feel like I am going to go out of my mind trying to get there or freak out if I do get there. What a sad life for them. No friends over for them or anything.

[xxWant2Escapexx]

Originally Posted by BNLsMOM

I just don't want to have bipolar. I had three good days and then today I was frustrated and angry. It's all I can do to get my kids aout of the house and I am ruining their childhoods. Part of this is social anxiety and I think I have developed agorophobia. My T-doc and I are working on this, but I don't like to go places because it is too hard/scary. I don't like to be with people because I am scared of most of the people I know or don't know, there are certain stores I won't go to, certain coffee shops I will only go to if they have a drive thru, and only certain gas stations I will go to because I am uncomfortable going to others. I only feel good at certain restaurants, so I miss out on the tiny bistros.

I just want to wake up one day and say to my kids, "Let's go to the..." and not feel like I am going to go out of my mind trying to get there or freak out if I do get there. What a sad life for them. No friends over for them or anything.

Hey.....trust me i TOTALLY feel your frustration......my kids and myself went thru everything you described as they were growing up,and i was first dx.How old are your kids.....or if you dont feel comfortable saying that,thats ok.My illness manifested when my kids were 15,10 and 5. My oldest and my only son,pretty much said my illness ruined his childhood/teenage years.Unfortunately as the oldest,i think i depended on him way more than i should have,to help me with alot of things around the house and babysitting,etc.....he,i believe (and has never been officially dx with this....has some form of some type of antisocial disorder)He of course blames me but i have tried over and over again to explain to him that my illness was out of my control.Now,at 18,he still doesnt understand and still holds many grudges towards me.We have a awakward relationship,not anywhere the kind of relationship i wish i would have with him.I hope as he grows older he will learn to understand this horrible illness that i have been "cursed" with....now my 13yr old(was 10 when i was dx) sorta blames every crazee wierd thing i do on "being bipolar".....i hope she too will learn that this illness is not with me by choice and alot of times it is very, VERY hard for me to function "normal"and control myself from going off the deep end emotionally or screaming my head of at her.My youngest who is now 8,just seems to pick up alot of the stuff she hears from her older sister,and i know she hates that i sleep as much as i do ("mom.....you slept in till noon again today!!!!") but hopefully now that i am somewhat "stable" hopefully i can raise her right and as "normal" as possible,along with her sister.Please,please.....i certainly didnt tell you all this to frighten you or anything.Hopefully your kids are young enough and i am sure you will have a grasp on things as you continue to raise them.And of course,you and I are different people,so that there too is something that you need to look at when you read about my situation and yours.I wish i would have had some sort of outlet as this forum,3 years ago.....it would have helped me from trying to get better all on my own (well.....alone in my mind anyway) and i would have really liked knowing that there was someplace to talk to people who knew exactly what i was talking about or going thru.Hugs to you.....keep your chin up......and when you need to vent just c'mon and post....we are all here to listen

[Amazonmom]

My baby is 6 months old. I am so worried that I have doomed her to a life of hell because of me. All I read (even on this site) talks about growing up with a mentally ill parent as hell to be endured pretty much.

I refuse to believe that us moms with bipolar are bad mothers. Every mother has challenges to face.

I really want to join a mom/baby class offered nearby, all mommies and babies sitting around and hearing about different topics. Gotta get out and teach my baby to be social somehow!!!!!!!

[BNLsMOM]

And now I have hives. Good thing I have therapy tomorrow. I honestly want to live in his office. I feel safe there.

[thinker22]

Hi BNLs. Sorry you're going through it. Feels like it won't ever end, right? I'm still thinking that too, although I feel less bad than I did the past 2 days.

I too worry about being a horrible parent. First I thought it was my genes that were ****ed because of all the problems in my family and relatives. Then I thought, I'll adopt. Then I realized that most of the kids available for adoption had serious problems. Then I realized, oh yeah, I've got serious problems too. Like depression! Now that I know I have bipolar, I'm scared I'll never be able to have that parent-child relationship in any shape or form.

The way I look at it is every parent makes mistakes. Some are too strict, others too lax, etc. The issue is on the child after a certain age. Say 22, although there is no fixed number. Whenever the kid moves out on their own, it is up to them to seek help for their neuroses. Case in point. My brother, 3 yrs older, has refused to seek any help for his drug and alcohol and bizarre behavioral problems. He blames his entire bad life (and bad choices) on my parents. I had the same childhood as he did, but I internalized most everything instead of lashing out. I observed and tried to learn what not to do from him and others instead of causing more pain.

In my 20s I realized I has some heavy things to work out, and not all of them were my parents' "fault." So I started to try to get help. It was only after the hospital incident that I stopped toying around with it and went full force into medications, therapy and understanding how to get well. I feel like I'm barely beginning the process at age 30, but my brother could still get well too if he decided A) I have big problems and B) It's time to stop blaming everyone else and get help for ME. He's currently living with my parents (total co-dependent relationship) after having lived on his own for 3 years but not really growing up b/c he used other people as well when he wasn't living w/them. It's like he wants to blame my parents for his mistakes, yet take all of their financial support while he's cursing them to their face. My parents feel guilty and so it goes. You don't want to go there with your kids. It's up to them to choose how and who they want to be in this world after you've done your very best. And we're all handicapped in some way by our parents when we ourselves become parents.

The only poor choice you could make is ending your life. And I know you don't want to hurt your kids that way. Having them be angry at you is one thing, but suicide of a parent greatly increases the risk of a child one day doing the same deed. It's uncertain if this is mainly genetic (eg. mood disorder passed down) or environmental, but I suspect it's both.

Your kids are better off with you. Don't forget that. The way I look at it, I'd rather (if I had kids) have them blame me for everything wrong with their life than to not have me around to even question "Why were you like that when I was younger?" And when you're both adults, I think healing is possible as you soberly explain that you didn't want to hurt them ever and your brain chemistry caused you so much suffering you couldn't think straight at the time.

Those are my thoughts, but as usual I went too long. I should get ready for work. Just thinking a little more clearly this morning. It will get better. That's what everyone says.