[thinker22]

Hi guys. I just couldn't keep my eyes open so I fell asleep from 1-2pm here. I woke up and wanted to check the site, but I'm still so drowsy and want to go back to sleep. I'm worried if I go back to sleep I won't be able to sleep tonight and I have work tomorrow.

Any thoughts?

Thanks

[Amazonmom]

When I am coming off hypomania I get sleep whenever I can. Making up for the lost hours takes a while. If I am tired I can sleep no matter where or when.

Maybe have your alarm wake you up after an hour. Then you aren't feeding the sleep deprivation forcing yourself to stay up until bedtime.

[thinker22]

I made the mistake of trying to fill out more of the state and social security disability forms to stay awake. Now I'm overwhelmed and sad. I want to cry, but I'd rather sleep. I need a hug.

[amaviena]

((((((((((((thinker)))))))))))))
try to get some sleep.
drink water.
don't overwhelm yourself.
we are bipolar.
what goes down, must also come up.

[thinker22]

I'm sinking very quickly, crying, thinking about death. Why does it feel like this will never get better, will never end? How could I possibly do anything with my life with this disease? I keep failing at everything because of my ****ing moods. I don't even know why I bother trying sometimes. It's like my hope is always crushed over and over.

I'm sorry if I'm making anyone feel bad. I just feel horrible and I don't know what to do anymore.

[amaviena]

Houston, we've hit depression. Everything will be okay. Know that, if you need it, the hospital is there for you and will not judge you. We'll figure this out together, love. I know we will be okay.

[thinker22]

I just have to make it through the night. I'm crying, but I know if I can get through then night I'll probably feel different in the morning.

I'm always the first one to point out that this is a disease and it's not our fault and our only job is to get well (take our meds, go to therapy, etc.), but right now I feel so weak, like such a wreck, a loser, a nothing. Thinking it would be better on the planet if I were gone. But then, the planet would be better off if most humans were gone. It's a mad world. My mind is going into dangerous territory and I keep reigning it in saying, "Don't go there," but it keeps pressuring me to find a way out of this pain. I don't think there is a way out right now. So I'll go to sleep to not have to think about it for a while.

[lorna]

((((((((((tired)))))))))))))))) We sleep more if we are depresssed. Eat the right foods, try to exercise. Review your meds if necessary. Get fresh air. I wish you all the best

[Lauru]

Thinker,
Remember it is depression and it will not last, just like the hypomania didn't last. It will get better. Please, if you are feeling like hurting yourself, go to a hospital, anyone anywhere, or call 911. We all love you and care about you and can't lose you.

[thinker22]

I will do whatever I need to. Wish I could sleep. Sometimes I think the people who are supposed to be helping me are trying to send me to the hospital by withholding medications that could help me. Lamictal sure as hell isn't reducing my mood swings. My bc keeps making me bleed all the time. I don't have anything to help me sleep because Seroquel was poisoning me and supposedly I'm a raging alcoholic who can't be trusted with Benzos. It's like, if I wanted to die by an overdose or mixing things I shouldn't be, it would have happened by now. I've got an pharmacy full of extra meds I stopped taking for one reason or another. Have no desire to take any of them. I hate the meds, but I probably can't survive for much longer without them. Plus, if I were ready to check out, I would make sure there wasn't any chance of survival and permanent brain damage. That would suck worse than dealing with my depression. Life feels like a limbo of insomnia, depression, mania, and hypersomnia. And everything is either coated in grey or yellow...like a sepia photograph of nostalgia or a gloom that can't be pierced. I will survive this episode like all the rest, but I'm constantly wondering why. Will I ever want to live just for me or will it always be just to not disappoint or hurt others?

[bridgie]

Yes sleep always takes the edge off. With they wld give u something I want u to know you have written me somethingd I found to be encouraging I hope you feel better today sorry I'm not good at the encouragement bit

[thinker22]

You're just fine at encouragement. I'm just very hard to encourage right now.

Half of me is insomniac fed on adrenaline, keep waking up in fear of bad dreams or things that aren't there; the other half keeps saying things will never get better, no one listens, why bother to try. I'm very close to wanting to give up. The only reason I don't go surrender myself to a hospital is that the bill, once it comes, will make me suicidal all over again. So I take it, hoping for a doctor in the near future who will listen and prescribe me meds that work for me with the fewest side effects.

Everyone, I got about 3 hours last night/this morning, but heavily interrupted. Not sure what part of the cycle this is, but I hate it. No respite even in sleep.

Love you guys. Don't want to bring anyone down.

[thinker22]

I got another 1.5 hours since my last post. It took me 3 separate blocks to get 4.5 in all. And 2x I was started awake by something that made my heart race and get out of bed.

I think I need one of those Looney Tunes mallets. Knock me out already.

Still here, still depressed, still tired, still need to go to work today.

When will I have good news to report again? Soon I hope.

[thinker22]

Going to be off of computer for a while. Serious headache has turned me into a temporary cyclops. Icing my incapacitated eye and getting in bed.

xo everyone. Appreciate your thoughts and wishes. Hoping my appt tomorrow yields some results...you know, like some meds that help me sleep again!

[thinker22]

Hooray, I have sleep meds. The doc was very understanding and listened to me, yay. She knew I was bipolar (what was her first clue...perhaps being on Lamictal?), but she still treated me for insomnia (while double checking for interactions with the sleep aides she prescribed). I made her laugh with my response to one of the questionnaires...with my short term memory I forgot I'd done it when she asked me about it after cracking up. The question was, "Do you have any family history of illnesses or diseases?" I wrote, "You got an extra sheet of paper?"

So now I have Temazepam and Amtryptyline...I've probably butchered the spellings, but you get what they are. The Temaz is just for 5-6 days to get me into a sleep rhythm, then I go on the other for more long term use and only use Temaz occasionally on bad nights.

Looking forward to having 8 hours finally. Hope I don't wake up at 4pm tomorrow.

Reminder for those confused by my obsessive and obsequious posting: my insomnia started July 31st. So 11 days of 3-5.5 hours per night (with one exception being last Sat night, and every night shooting awake 1-3 times due to feeling rested and energetic or having a nightmare.

***Trigger for those of you nightmare prone (which I am extremely):

Last night it was a snow crab sized spider descending from the ceiling and landing on my bed. To put it mildly, I jumped out of bed and needed the lights turned on to assure myself it wasn't there.

Bleck! Spiders are a recurring theme in a lot of my wake up nightmares.