[BNLsMOM]

And nobody seems to know who is covering for him. My t-doc and I have spent the last two sessions trying to get in touch with someone. I think I am going to end up in the Er soon. My husband's grandmother (who is 101) is dying right now and I just don't think I can handle that news. I want to offer myhusband sympathy and support but it is hard to do while I am feeling this way. I am going to write hima letter so he knows that I care, but he is angry with me right now anyway for another reason. I spoke sharply to him yesterday (before he found out about his grandmpother) because the dog was nipping at my son and he was afraid and I needed my husband to come in and either calm the dog or do something. I get afraid of the dog when he is wild like that. (Never should have gotten a dog) He stopped and said, "Excuuuusssseeee me?" as if I were a child who was speaking out of line to an elder. I said that he can't care about the tone pf my voice but just get the dog off my son. He yelled at me and was very angry with me so I left to take a walk. Then I came home, took my meds and slept until 10 am this morning.

I hate this. I just can't handle life any more.

[thinker22]

Sorry BNLs...you definitely need a less stressful environment right now. Everything is affecting you acutely, so until your meds give you a little more hope and stability, I'd say do what you need to do...stay in a quiet environment (with a friend, or have a day just for you where you can do whatever you want...no kids or husband). The only other alternative (as I've been told too many times) when you're falling apart and don't want to go on is to go back to the hospital and tell them you're suicidal (if you are).

I hope you don't give up just because your husband was insensitive. He kind of sounds like a jerk half the time. I can't believe how unsupportive and selfish he's been. Maybe I don't know the whole story and he's been helpful some times. I'm just saying you deserve someone who doesn't treat you like a child or a burden. Mental illness is treatable. You're not going to feel horrible like this forever and anyone who thinks you're incurable or treats you like the illness is your fault or you could just snap out of it somehow needs to get the **** out of your life.

Stay with us and keep in touch. We would miss you so much and your kids will too.

[BNLsMOM]

I am not suicidal, but I just don't know what to do right now. All of the stuff I learned in partial is failing me right now. I just want to live in my bed.

And I want my own bed.

[thinker22]

I hear ya. When I'm depressed and agitated, sometimes I grab my pillow and sleep in the living room (on the floor: we don't have a couch). But then, I usually wind up on the computer since I can't sleep. Do you have a futon that can be placed in another room if you don't want to sleep on the couch? An inflatable bed?

There has to be a way to get through this tight spot. Thinking of you.

[BNLsMOM]

I have been crying my eyes out all day, and strangely, it helps. I don't generally cry, even in my deepest depression, but there's something about the way my therapist speaks and supports me that makes me feel safe enough to let it all out.

He is a bright spot in my life right now.

My husband's grandmother passed this morning. I had actually prayed that I be taken instead because I haven't appreciated my life, and she has. (in my irrational depression) For goodness sakes, she went to speak-easies and heck probably started on in her neighborhood. She was full of a good fire right till the end this week.

I am so confused about my feelings that are pouring out of me right now. I am really sad and depressed, but at the same time, happy that I can let it all out today. I want to go to bed, but I want to learn to paint, learn to blow glass into witch balls, and learn to appreciate my life.

I guess it's healthy to let myself cry...maybe that's a good sign, or maybe that's more depression. I just don't know how to interpret what I am feeling.

[thinker22]

I know what you mean about your therapist. I can't even explain what it is we do in a session, but I feel like because there's someone to listen, that I can keep from falling apart between sessions...usually.

My brain is out of whack hyper right now, but I know how easy it is to go from this to doing something stupid and/or crashing into depression.

I almost cried in my last session with my T, but I got afraid and sucked it all up because I think if I start I won't be able to stop for another 6 months. I don't know.

Sorry about the grandmother. She sounds like she was an amazing person. I've always felt old inside from an early age, so when I encounter and older person so full of life, energy, enthusiasm, I'm naturally drawn to them. I wish I could give them my life to continue as well. I don't know why I'm a weary soul. Maybe I've just not found my place in this world yet.

Cheering you on as you are working very hard at getting well. We'll make it through this.

[BNLsMOM]

I may be getting somewhere. I finally found an on call p-doc who may be willing to even speak to me. Hopefully he will DO something. I have plenty of people to TALK with. (sorry about the shouting)

[thinker22]

No problem. I'm frustrated with not being able to see a p-doc since I started trying in the second week of July. On call sounds nice. I'm counting down 13 days until someone, I hope, will finally get me the right meds!!

I still can't believe the p-nurse didn't accept that she did the wrong thing by not changing my meds (talking, but doing nothing), just like the second p-nurse. Haven't heard a word from the former in weeks. I really think she must be glad to be rid of me because I was too difficult to handle (not the typical case).

Wishing you luck on getting to see someone soon.

[BNLsMOM]

OK, that's weird...I just talked to the on call and he not only told me to take more Klonopin, but he got me an appointment with my regular p-doc for August 25...13 days away...

I was diagnosed in June too... are you and I on a parallel journey here?

[thinker22]

If we are...uh...I must be going to the hospital. And that's kinda scary but I'm so manic I feel invincible right now. So it'll probably be funny unless they shoot me full of so much crap that I'm drooling.

All I can say to my balloon head that's floating away is, "Ground control to Major Tom..."

[BNLsMOM]

For me the worst thing about the hospital was missing my kids, but I found it to be a safe place and it helped me get through my crisis. If you have to do it for your safety, it is nothing to be ashamed about.

[thinker22]

I would probably miss my guy, my kitty, my chinchillas, and my bed..okay and the cupcakes too. I'd want to bring them with, but I doubt they'd let me keep 'em.

What I worry about with going to the hospital to talk about my meds is that they'll ask me a bunch of questions and then try to keep me overnight. I don't want that.

What's the longest they can keep you at a hospital, does anyone know? Because I have work on Monday and it's really important that I be there.

[BNLsMOM]

I was IP for a week, and I made sure the doctors and caseworkers knew I was very invested in my treatment. I then went to a partial program for a couple of weeks, but it was completely my choice to do so.

[thinker22]

Hmm...well, I think I'm still doing fine even with very little sleep. I'm hyper, but not doing anything dangerous.

I'll make more calls if things change. Thanks for your thoughts and support.