[Lauru]

It’s late at night. I go to work tomorrow. I had a sorta fight with my honey tonight and ended up crying and feeling like a total burden to her and everyone. Not a good way to gear up for work tomorrow. It was about finances of course. Isn’t it always. And here I am having taken 2 months off due to a yet again, depression. I feel like a loser. She felt bad for making me cry, her words not mine. She’s not responsible for my feelings, I am. I was sad and upset and I cried. End of story. I love her but sometimes I feel like a huge anchor tied to her legs while she is trying to swim to shore. Maybe I am what’s dragging me down and her down.

[amaviena]

ever thought of getting a book with a holistic plan so you both can be happy? something like "when you love someone who is bipolar..." or "loving someone who is bipolar." has a lot of neat little tricks and action plans for when things get bad. or good even.

[thinker22]

Hey Lauru. I think all of us with mood disorders think and feel the very same thing...that we are a burden to our loved ones. It's harder to do this than to say it, but this is a part of an endless loop and you need to remind yourself that the more you think and feel that you're a burden, the more you'll behave like one. Case in point: the person who fears rejection becomes more and more needy, possessive, and clingy and the people in their lives eventually reject them for feeling suffocated.

What I DON'T want to communicate is that you're somehow bad or doing something wrong. I'm just telling you how I refocus my mind sometimes. When I get into the "people would be better off without me" rut, I say, the more I act like that is true, the more I will push people I care about away even when they don't want to be pushed away. They love us and want to help, but with our behaviors we're basically saying, "Let me sink, save yourself" over and over again. One day they may listen to us because we've programmed them for so long. But the longer you've been friends/in a relationship with someone, the less likely that is to happen.

So instead focus on their support of you through all these tough times and thank them on a regular basis (which I'm sure you already do). Think, "My friends, partner, and family just want me well. I'm not making them sink. Just as I am responsible for my mental well being, so are they. What I do affects them, but only so far as when I'm totally giving up/not trying to get well any more." And again, easier said than done when you're so depressed you're just laying around the house or not able to work. I too feel lame that I only have 1 day of work a week and am too stressed to get a second job to pay my share of the rent and groceries (for the past 8 months!). But my partner isn't mad at me. He just wants me well and knows that when I get the right meds combo and make progress in therapy, I'll start paying my share again. In fact, one day I may need to support him in a crisis...and I'll be glad to return the favor.

In sum, go you for getting back to work. Good luck. I'm sure you'll do great. And we'll be here even if you don't have the bestest of days.

[amaviena]

same information thats in most of the books of the above type except you can educate your honey about how to most effectively help you and help self while expending the least effort. They're actually pretty cool, but do read it first.

[Lauru]

Cool guys thanks. Amaviena, I will look for some of those books. Thinker, thanks for the reminder. I started today great actually, sleeping on it really helped. I went to work, and it was great. No one bothered me about what I was sick with or why I wasn't talking about it. All the kids missed me and were glad to have me back. And I was happy to be back and had a great time with the kids. I missed everyone. Soooo...my negative diatribe of last night is over. I am feeling positive again and had a great night with my partner laughing and talking.

[bridgie]

I can't say I understand how it is to make someone feel burdened. I am alone in my ups and downs. My parents won't talk to me when I get in my moods if they doesn't make you feel great I don't know what does. It does seem finances are always an issue for everyone all the time but don't get discouraged. There are resources out there to help whether its food rent utilities. Take advantage of them if you need. That's what they are there for

[thinker22]

Hey Lauru,

Happy to hear you had a good day. And it's always nice to be laughing again. I've been doing more of that lately too.

Keep us posted.