[BNLsMOM]

I think I am having delusions now...I am embarrassed to talk about them, but I am pretty sure they are there. I am starting to wonder if there isn't a little schizoaffective or schizophrenia going on too...

No voices or halucinations, but some odd beliefs going on.

Triggered my by husband's grandmother's death? Possibly. Likely.

10 more days. Hold it together. Took another .5mg of Klonopin so I have a full mg in me now. Maybe it will help. Maybe not.

[thinker22]

What kind of beliefs/delusions? If you don't want to talk about it I understand. If it's like, "Someone's going to kill me," that's PTSD or depression/anxiety related. It's not necessarily schizophrenic. Bipolar people can have psychotic symptoms on either end of the spectrum. They usually know they're hallucinating or believing illogical things. When you are convinced that they are true is when you have to worry (or other people have to worry for you).

If you know the thoughts aren't true, just tell yourself (at least this is what I do before and after a minor panic attack) these are only thoughts. I'm not bad or wrong for having them and I sure as hell don't have to act on them. Thoughts are often like dreams. They take minor fragments of thoughts, experience, and memories and jumble them all together as our brains rewire and restore themselves at night. Think of jumping sparks and wires crossing that have nothing to do with each other but are somehow linked in the moment of electricity.

If you do become too worried or obsessed by the thoughts and think you can't control reacting or acting on the urges, you do need to contact someone. But I'll be here to listen as long as I can keep up the fight.

[Berries]

(((((BNLsMOM)))))

I echo D.A.'s reply.

Psychotic symptoms are "normal" for bp. I've had them in many of my bp episodes--depressed episodes, mania, & mixed episodes.

Once I thought I was the anti-christ. Once I talked to a little man who lived in the toilet.

If the symptoms persist or get more intense GET IN TOUCH W/ YOUR T OR PDOC SOON.

For me psychosis & psychotic symptoms (there is a difference) are frightening & painful.
So I wish you strength & send you a

[amaviena]

Could still be bipolar. bipolar is often confused for schizoaffective/schizophrenic.

[Berries]

Originally Posted by amaviena

Could still be bipolar. bipolar is often confused for schizoaffective/schizophrenic.

Some pdocs, including my current one, have diagnosed my as shizzoaffective, bipolar type.

But most T's, who know us much better than our pdocs, diagnose me as bipolar and don't see schizzo at all--even tho my thinking is a bit psychotic at times.

My Point is--don't worry about lables. Just worry about your own particular symptoms and address them.

[BNLsMOM]

Well, until I took a pregnancy test a few minutes ago I was convinced I was pregnant because my period is more than two weeks late, and I thought for sure last night I could feel something moving around. The negative test made me feel better, but until my period shows up I think I will still have some doubts. THere has been no intercourse since before my last period.

The other one is my neignbor knocked on my door today and invited the family over to swim and hang out with the other neighbors. I left it kind of open ended, but I could tell that she could tell that I hadn't showered in three days. ( I was too busy fighting my cause for MI on another site) I just know she walked away thinking that I was disgusting, because as she got a good look at me, she sort of took the invite away and said, "no pressure or anything." Now I can see them all across the street and I know they are looking over here when they come out to their driveway. I can't bring myself to go even though it looks fun because they will just know there is something wrong with me. I feel so stupid for not going, but I know that I will do something stupid if I do go. I am freaking out over this so my kids miss out.
I haven't really been able to eat because I just can't decide what to eat or bring myself to cook anything, so I am lucky if I get two meals.

I know some of what I have described are not delusions, but the pregnant thing and the nieghbor thing, I think fall into that category.

I am feeling disabled and incapacitated unless my husband is with me. We went to the beach today and I just laid there and baked, but as we walked onto the beach I could feel everyone looking at me.

I shouldn't be so self centered, right?

Actually, I just remembered that one night last week just before I fell asleep I thought I heard some sort of sound in my ear, like a combination of a man screaming softly and the ocean rushing by. I ignored it and figured it was just my mind playing tricks just before sleep like maybe I was already asleep and was starting to dream, but maybe it is part of all this.

Man, they're going to put me away.

[thinker22]

It's time for the easier said than done: give yourself a break. You haven't been out of the hospital for very long and they're still trying to get you the proper meds combo. Don't get me wrong. If things do get to out of control in your head, you may need to head back. However, the reactions you see on people's faces are not of horror or knowledge of where you've been or what's going on inside. They see your distress and are trying to react gently to you because they don't want to upset you. That's different from judging you. If you don't feel like socializing, just say "thanks for the offer, I'll ask the kids." And if you don't want to go, you don't have to. I know you've been busy trying to make yourself heard and understood on that other board, but it's more important that you take care of yourself right now. Is there anything scaring you about taking a shower? You seem to know you need to take one and also to be very busy online. And you don't want to be alone and your somewhat indecisive...all symptoms of anxiety and depression.

Now hear this: turn off the computer and go get a shower. If you have a good reason not to take one, like you need to watch the kids or you're afraid you might slip, etc., take one as soon as someone else is watching them or find something that you can hold onto in the shower. Even if that means taking a plastic chair in there with you. I always feel better after a shower. I probably survived my own arrest and hospital ordeal because I had just showered and dressed when the cops showed up. I was like, "Okay, they got me, but at least I'm nice and clean and won't be locked up feeling grungy to start with." I behaved so normally and rationally that they let me go home.

It's going to be okay.

Re: your message board battle--
I get stuck into my video games for hours on end, so I just have to not start into one or I'll be up until 3 am. Instead, I try to read a book and it always makes me sleepy. Then I try to kill the rest of the day with various boring activities to make it to bedtime. I'm so ready to give up and go to the hospital if I don't sleep tonight. I've been saying that for days now, I realize, but I have to do something. I'm going to tell my mate to take me if I'm still this messed up tomorrow and not to let me talk him out of it. Don't want to have a breakdown at work just because I'm tired. I'm easily frightened and on the verge of crying when I'm this exhausted. You know how it is.

We can make it to our p-doc appts...one way or another...even if a hospital visit is necessary in between.

[BNLsMOM]

I did actually have a shower right after the neighbor came over because I felt embarrassed. I have no fear of the shower, but it was like I felt it wasn't necessary because I was so busy and I didn't stink yet. I always try to make sure I shower before t-doc appointments because I don't want him to think I need more intervention than he is giving me and also I don't want anyone to see me unshowered. It occurred to me that I didn't have any contact with anyone but my kids for the three days. I also have big curly hair that gets out of hand if i don't wash it. I can't get a brush through it when it is dry.
I even washed up again after the beach.

I guess I just need to rest more.

I'll try, I promise.

[thinker22]

Oh good. Just got a shower myself. I'm feeling like I might be able to sleep well tonight. I have some hope.

Glad you got out to the beach today.

Hope you have a great day tomorrow.

[VickiesPath]

Dear BNLsMOM,

I was reading your posts and felt like it was me writing them. When I start down the depression spiral, my personal hygiene is the first thing to go. It always tips me off that something's not right. Sometimes I can crawl out of it, sometimes not. Please try real hard to keep yourself real high on that priority list cuz your blog and your kids aren't going to benefit if you don't take care of you.