[bridgie]

I think I've decided I'm perfectly normal. I dnt have a mental disorder. Sure I go up and down but who dsnt. I'm feeling good today. Fairly even. I think I'm good now. Just a fluke this past while. Even as a write this and hope its true I find I can't make myself believe it. I so want to believe I'm sane. I can be normal I really can.

[BNLsMOM]

You can live a good life even with bipolar, but don't trick yourself just because you are feeling good today. Enjoy the good while you have it, and congrats on having a good day. I hope the feeling lasts.

[thinker22]

It's possible that you don't have bipolar, but from what you've described, you seem to have some sort of mood disorder. It may only be cyclothymia (or however it's spelled), but without the use of drugs or intense amounts of caffeine, it sounds like hypomania. For all I know you could be ADHD or have a thyroid problem, but I'm not a doctor. If you don't have down swings into depression for days on end, it might not be bipolar at all. I hope you'll keep your appointment and be honest with the doc so you can get a better idea of what you're dealing with and how best to treat it.

[Berries]

My T always says--just because you have a good day does not mean you are not ill.

Sorry--probbly not what you wanted to hear.

But enjoy your good day. That is great!

[bridgie]

I've already been diagnosed as bipolar unfortunately. I just don't want to be sick. I want to be normal. I want to have a decent life without meds I want to be happy. I want to just be without being sick

[Pughead]

Nothing unfortunate about having the BP dx. This stuff still isn't all that well understood and they are not always right, God knows. I had a pdoc that was convinced there was nothing wrong with me, and that I was just over-tired . When that proved to be untrue she thought I was BPD and OCD. She had me on six meds, it was rediculous. I ditched her and found a highly recommended pdoc. After going through my history it was pretty clear to him that I have BP. He also agreed that the previous doc's Dx's were off the mark. He was also shocked by the fact that she had me on effexor, wellbutrin, and a ton of other stuff at the same time. Now I am down to two meds, and I am much better off.

I should have walked out on my previous pdoc after the first visit. She thought that I had some sort of developmental disability because I was speaking slowly and was tired. Um...does that remind anyone of depression?!! What a twit. And her office reeked of cat pee.

Anyway, my point is...pdoc isnt always right. You can always get a second or third opinion.

But werent you rambling aimlessly last week? What was going on then? Were you having other hypomanic "symptoms"?

If you dont have BP then that is great. If you do have it, you will have to deal with it eventually. I just dont want you to get comfortable and then all of the sudden get hit hard by depression. I guess what I'm saying is- be careful and I wish you the best.

[thinker22]

Hey pug, the p-nurse had me on Wellbutrin and Effexor at the same time too! She was still trying to treat unipolar depression and it just made me a jittery anxious mess, not elated at all. I've read about borderline personality disorder and it's totally not me either. I wonder if the p-nurse secretly thought I was and that's why she had me on all the wrong meds for 13 months! But then, I didn't know I was bipolar either until a couple of months ago. I'm just wondering why Lamictal seems to be doing nothing for my mood swings high and low after over 5 weeks of taking it.

Oh, and Bridgie, hope you get some good advice/meds from your new doc soon. None of us want to be sick. Ignoring it doesn't make it go away. You know that. You'll feel better once you take positive steps toward treatment. And treatment isn't ALL meds.

[VickiesPath]

Originally Posted by bridgie

I think I've decided I'm perfectly normal. I dnt have a mental disorder. Sure I go up and down but who dsnt. I'm feeling good today. Fairly even. I think I'm good now. Just a fluke this past while. Even as a write this and hope its true I find I can't make myself believe it. I so want to believe I'm sane. I can be normal I really can.

{{{{Bridgie}}}}}

Sweetheart,

I can't tell you how many times in the past 24 years I have told myself that I am perfectly OK and I don't need any freakin' medication. This is a very common thing. Also, you have every right in the world to live medication free no matter if you have BP or not. For real! As a matter of fact, some very famous people, celebrities we all know, choose to not take medication after they've been told they are BP because they are more creative when they are med free.

However: (you knew there would be a 'however', now didn't you?) In my case, I always regretted my decision to quit my meds. I had to decide in the end if I wanted to suffer the severe highs and lows that inevitably developed along with my musical creativity, or live some semblance of a normal existance and not be quite so inspired.

What it came down to was accepting that I had an illness. I wished I didn't have it. But wishing didn't make it so. It was kind of like banging your head against a wall because it feels so good when you stop. Had to quit the banging.

You might not have a mental illness. You might not have a correct diagnosis. And you might not be on the correct meds for you. There are dozens of them out there. Right now, I have chosen the dosages for me, which are not the dosages my doctor prescribed because, frankly, I think he's an idiot. But they are working for me so I will keep taking them. I will not stop.

Please take care of yourself.

[bridgie]

I know that I have the correct diagnosis. Been living with this for so long. I just get tired of being "sick". I want nothing more than to be able to have a "normal" life. To be able to deal with people and have normal relationships or relationships at all. If I'm up and down or on meds I feel uncapable of being a functional human being. So I pretend things are good or ok and that nothing is wrong. Then the ups go way up and the downs go way down and I can't do what I'm supposed to. I just want it over. Thank you all for giving such wonderful advice and just being here. Its been helpful since I found this place.

[amaviena]

stages of grief. if you're sick you're sick every day. don't hang out in denial, you have so many better places to be. get a second opinion...or a third if you need one, but don't spend all day denying because you'd rather not have it. <3 smile. you're beautiful the way you are.

[yoginiforhelp]

Originally Posted by thinker22

Hey pug, the p-nurse had me on Wellbutrin and Effexor at the same time too! She was still trying to treat unipolar depression and it just made me a jittery anxious mess, not elated at all. I've read about borderline personality disorder and it's totally not me either. I wonder if the p-nurse secretly thought I was and that's why she had me on all the wrong meds for 13 months! But then, I didn't know I was bipolar either until a couple of months ago. I'm just wondering why Lamictal seems to be doing nothing for my mood swings high and low after over 5 weeks of taking it..

interesting. i was first put on lamictal when first dx with BP too. but i felt it wasn't doing a d##n thing for me either after sitting on it on my full dose for about a month, yet still feeling just as crazy. i was so disapointed because lamictal had been talked up so much and my major symptoms are my depressive episodes (BPII). so it seemed like the perfect drug. i thought i was just uber weird, or was wrongly dx with BP, or something - but it's not working for you either...

anyway, to bridgie --> i know the feeling. those normal days are wonderful and awesome and it's like a breath of fresh air and so easy to forget the bad days. be good to you.

[thinker22]

Nurse thought i was bipolar ii, but turns out I'm bipolar i. Still hyper and energetic as hell since July 31st. Still getting 5-6 hours a night even with the sleep aid. Have been on Lamictal for 6 weeks now. WTF should I be on? Hope I can make it to the new p-doc before I crash.

How you doin' Bridgie? Have you had your dr.'s appt(s) yet?

[leahcim]

Please don't view this as a sanity issue. I am mildly bi-polar and take anti-anxiety meds. I am also prone to depression but I've always had horrible side effects from anti-depressants and I don't take them. I've also been in and out of therapy for about 20 years.

You are right about the fact that most people have very noticeable mood swings. But I am however, perfectly sane as are you and almost everyone here. We just need help via medication and therapy to try and control the severity of whatever disorder we may have.

[thinker22]

I agree about the whole "sane" vs. "insane" argument. In the book I've been trying to read, they mention that so many historians have tried to argue that their heroes of literature, painting, and music were not "insane" or "sick" but just eccentric and had nothing wrong with them at all. Kay R. Jamison argues that none of these people were insane, they just probably had bipolar because they had periods of creativity followed by periods of inactivity and extreme depression. And they also had neutral/normal periods in between. So it's not all or nothing. Your brain chemistry can be tripped by something sending you either direction, but with the right meds and therapy we can lead pretty decent lives.

Most bipolar people, until about 60 years ago only had the option of being locked up to keep from hurting themselves or others when on either end of the spectrum. Then they'd get to a neutral period and they and/or their doctors would think they were cured. But we know better the cycles of this disease today. We're not bad people. Despite the way the media portrays our condition, bipolar people are typically gentle, sensitive, responsible, well accomplished, and hard working to the point of being perfectionists. Then we crash and feel deplorable because we were doing so well by anyone's standards. It's just dumb neural receptors/chemicals. And it's not our fault and it doesn't have to be deadly if treated properly.

Stay safe and well Bridgie.

[yoginiforhelp]

Originally Posted by thinker22

Nurse thought i was bipolar ii, but turns out I'm bipolar i. Still hyper and energetic as hell since July 31st. Still getting 5-6 hours a night even with the sleep aid. Have been on Lamictal for 6 weeks now. WTF should I be on? Hope I can make it to the new p-doc before I crash.

5-6 hours a night is normal for me

[thinker22]

Starting to wonder if that's all I'll get any more. I was used to 8-9 a night before this. I really like sleep and I miss it. My body and eyes are screaming that they need more but my brain is torturing me with go, go, GO. It's like being torn in two directions and I'm getting more apathetic about fighting on either side. I'm watching them destroy me day by day hoping for some relief by chance or changing meds.

[bridgie]

My appt is sept so weeks away. I am still debating in my head about whether I want to go yet leaning to going. I remember being on meds so many times before and my head just aching. I dread the feeling again. I dread admitting I need help and all the help entails. So much of what all of you are saying fits so well makes so much sense. Its kinda nice to hear from ppl that understand what I'm talking about. I realize I'm sane. Unless its my crazy days. Then I surely don't feel sane. Eccentric may be the better term. That I definitely will claim. Nope not ill just eccentric.

[thinker22]

I have a backup appt in Sept if the first p-doc doesn't seem to know what she's doing. She does have good creds from what I've read online, I've just had 3 bad experiences with people (nurses or MDs) giving me psychotrophic drugs and I don't want to feel hopeless if she doesn't listen to me like the other ones.

Jamison's point in the book is that neither insane nor perfectly normal and eccentric can explain the dangerous mood swings of these artists. Bipolar is a cyclical kind of pendulum madness, so sometimes the person will feel normal or great and be high functioning. This is when they're creative (hypomania), witty, and the life of the party, but once it becomes full blown mania they can get so delusional as to be put away in an asylum, believing they're talking to angels and can perform miracles, etc. The depression is equally dangerous due to suicidal thoughts when they feel so horrible, as are mixed episodes, because you're energetic, impulsive, and incredibly hopeless...tell me that's not a deadly cocktail.

I don't like the term "mentally ill" or "sickness." Do they call diabetics ill or sick? No, there's less of a stigma. Why? So many people have it because (if it's not the genetic childhood form) we eat so terribly as a country and many are overweight and prone to the disease. I've always pointed out to the religious that they sure pick their sins according to things they have no desire for. So they're born straight, they think everyone should be as well and they condemn gay, bi, trans people to hell. But I say, your tradition also points out that gluttony is a sin. They think that overeating and becoming morbidly obese doesn't count as much as say cursing, let alone having a sex drive! Oh no, not that. They've probably lost that desire from their sheer massiveness. And don't get me wrong, not all people are overweight from eating too much or eating the wrong things. You can be chubby and a vegetarian. And skinny people bulimic or anorexic or otherwise can be unhealthy just as much as those sucking pork rinds. All I'm saying is (jesus, I have gone on a tangent...what was I saying?)

Uh...we should at least be treated as well as diabetics and heart patients (who often bring it on themselves along with a genetic predisposal), and probably as well as cancer patients (who never smoked). We didn't ask for this disease. Most of us would trade it in in a heartbeat for a sense of well being and few to no mood swings. For me, the depression lasts so long with so few interruptions over all these years, my productivity is extremely low compared with other people who were "slow and steady." I just get these rare bursts sandwiched between terrible depressions.

Think of yourself as a person with treatable cancer. Yes, your mind is unwell, but it's a part of your body too. It has parts and nerve receptors. It can be damaged and healed. We're all sad that the stigma remains. I wish it were called brain chemistry deficiency or receptor inhibition or automatic mood disruption (moodalepsy anyone?). Anything but mental illness! People think that means you're nuts at every moment all the time and might blow up at them. That's so friggin' rare and "normal" people do it far more often than we do. It's just called road rage or stress or anger management issues. I think bipolar people manage their moods much better than non "ill" people. Why? We've been doing it for so long and we have a helluva lot more to deal with and we're extra sensitive about other people's feelings because ours have been wounded so often. We feel more than the average person...from the highest highs to the lowest lows. We are qualified to control the vast majority of them. We have strengths and will power that most mortals know not of.

So don't be ashamed. You are a stronger person than you believe you are. Your moral integrity, intellectual ability, and perseverance have nothing to do with bipolar. You will always be you no matter what your diagnosis is.

[yoginiforhelp]

i like the spin you've put on it thinker

bridgie - my sister always tells me (when i start in on being fatalistic and pathetic because i'm "crazy" and "unstable") - it's like any other body part that needs mending. if you had a sprained/broken ankle/leg/arm/wrist/etc. you'd go get it fixed, yes? this is just the same. only a different part of the body.