[BNLsMOM]

I feel like someone pulled the plug in the sink and I am swirling the drain with nothing to hold on to. My life is falling down all around me.

My husband told me that he thinks I don't love him and he gets nothing out of the relationship, my ex is mad that I didn't tell him right away that our son went to the Er last week for heat exhaustion, my inlaws think I hate them, i want to leave and start a new life, and my mom is telling how incapacitated I am and not to make any decisions (I know that!), my dad will hardly speak to me because I guess he thinks I'll shatter like glass. I've lost most of my friends, I am ruining my business and will likely stop doing it.

I am taking medicine that doesn't work and I have to wait 6 days until I see my p-doc.

Everything is affecting me. I am now in therapy three days per week.

I have two bright spots. My kids.

School is starting soon and I don't think I can handle all the registration, school supplies etc. and I don't dare ask my husband because he told me that he doesn't like to hear me demanding that he do things for me. (I usually ask rather than demand except for one time when I needed him to get the dog off my son,)

I have been playing tug of war with his parents and he is the rope. I told him and my t-doc that I let go of the rope. I give up. I have nothing left and there is no point to my treatment other than my kids, but if I get dovorced again, my husband fight to take one son, my ex will likely get my other son, we'll have to see my house and I will probably just let go and go for the big S.

I am fighting so hard and I don't have anything left.

If I go to the hospital, I'll have to explain what is going ton to my ex and I'll lose my son.

I NEVER should have sought treatment. I should have stayed single with my oldest son. I was better than and I was able to keep my house clean, pay attention to my son and just live life the way I was meant to live it, as a mom, not a pile of sh**.

I don't know what to do. It's over for me. I have no life left. I'll just wait until I can save enough money and wait till the kids are grown and go.

That's only 18 more years of he**.

Sorry for the hopeless rant. I just have nothing left and no one left. My support system is gone and my kids are too little to take on the burden of a crazy mom.

Maybe he'll take pity on me and lock me up in the attic so the new governess will hear strange noises in the night and find out on her wedding day that there really is a crazy monster in the attic and that he is still married and then everyone will suffer, she'll run away, the crazy one will burn the house down with a candle and he will go blind. (From Jane Eyre)

You can just ignore me. I am sad.

[BNLsMOM]

I didn't really mean ignore me... I tend to do that when I am low. My way of isolating, I guess.

[Amazonmom]

I'm sorry so much is going wrong.

[thinker22]

It really sounds like something is wrong with your meds! Seriously, they need adjustment. Even if it means going to the hospital before your p-doc appt. Everything seems much bigger and more catastrophic when your meds are making you feel terrible. I know!

Please don't give up. Please call someone who can help you. Your hopelessness is not a good sign. Therapy will help you to retrain your cycle of thoughts at some point in the future when you're stable. But your meds are not helping you to be stable as far as I can tell. My thoughts get out of control too when my chemicals are messing with me.

You shouldn't have to suffer like this for 6 more days just because that's when the appt is. If it's unbearable, get an emergency appt or go to the hospital. We all care about you.

Stay in touch, okay.

[BNLsMOM]

I am calling my T-doc tomorrow to discuss a definitive other than waiting. I just have to go visit my son's camp tomorrow for the parents' night and then I would be ready to go somewhere Friday if I have to.

[thinker22]

Okay. Glad to hear you've got a goal. One day at a time. Sometimes, one hour or minute at a time.

I think like that too. "I can't go to the hospital because I have work next week and my boss really needs me to be there as out of control as my moods are." And I make it through the trench of that day, then the next day is not quite as horrible, I get a sleep aid, then the day after that is even more tolerable.

Parents' night is a good goal, but if you need help before then (like having uncontrollable ideation), don't delay going to the hospital.

I believe in you.

None of us are perfect but we do want to get well and feel well again. Sometimes it just feels hopeless, like we'll never get to that point, and that's when it's tempting to give up. I feel like I'm just on life support half the time with my meds and therapy. But it won't always be like this.

[BNLsMOM]

Update:
The hospital called back and they can't prescribe because I am under my regular p-doc's care, he can'r prescribe because he is on vacation, his on call can't prescribe because I got the original prescription at the hospital.

My t-doc called and he will check in with me later to see how I am doing, but I think it si an Er trip tomorrow to see if they can prescribe. I don't know if I'll be admitted or not, but I'll bring my journal with me so that they can see what has really been going on in my messed up deluded mind.

I let you all know if I go tomorrow or if I end up there tonight, but I think I can do it tomorrow. My husband has hidden all my meds and only left out my doses for the day.

Even if I go crazy, and take it all, I don't have enough in a day to hurt me.

I am not happy with p-docs but the catch 22 is that I need them.

[thinker22]

I'm frustrated too. I've gone w/out a psych provider for 4 weeks now, and I was looking for a new one for 3 weeks before I fired her due to ignoring my need for a meds change. So nearly 2 months without proper care! I feel like I'm on my own and this disease has serious complications/consequences if untreated as you well know.

Have therapy today. Want to fastforward to Tuesday so I can finally see this new p-doc. I like how good I'm feeling, but I don't want to need sleeping pills forever.

Enough about me sorry. You're going through serious **** and definitely do whatever you got to do to stay safe. Situation sucks, but with so few options, ER may be the only way to get your meds changed.

[BNLsMOM]

I am OK with the ER tomorrow. We'll see what happens.

[BNLsMOM]

Going to the Er in the next hour or so. I don't know if I'll be back with a handful of Klonopin, or if I will be admitted. I am going to explain everything.

[thinker22]

I hope they are kind and helpful. A break from these bad feelings and overwhelming thoughts would be great.

I feel like I've already adapted to my sleep aids. back to waking up early and going to sleep late. Maybe I need Klonopin.

Let us know what happens if you can. Otherwise, we'll wait for you until you come back. A better combo should make you feel much better. So don't give up until that happens.