down time

Well I know I'm not up anymore. I'm feeling sad. Maybe I have a reason to. Stress usually triggers me. Its not as low as I have been but when you SI u know things aren't right. I know the tears will start. I feel them. The cloudy feeling in my brain. Its getting thicker. I hate that I can feel the changes physically. I sat at work just staring today. Had to push myself to get through it. Good things are happening to me yet I'm not as happy about them as I should. I can put on a face for a while but I know its going to get harder and harder. I'm feeling all the self loathing and disgust. *sigh* I don't know. I don't get it at times. It will end eventually. I dnt know when. I wish I cld put it on a time schedule. Ugh I've been binging. Dsnt help my mood. I dnt feel I can stop it. Ill make up for it later by not eating much. All my self depricating behaviors have a way of coming out when I'm down. It needs to stop. This roller coaste I want off.

First off, I know that feeling! Self-loathing, crying, staring at nothing, thinking terrible thoughts, wanting to hurt myself or die to escape, but knowing it's temporary, yet being unable to make it stop. And then you get all hyper and energetic (like I am now) and it seems like the depression was worth it or some badge of honor for the incredible happiness and pleasure you then feel.

Second, have you had your appt yet, skipped it, or is it still in the future? Sorry, I'm scatterbrained from being up so long and my thoughts racing. If you want off the roller coaster, you have to talk to a p-doc and bring as much info as you can in case you can't verbally express yourself in a single appointment. I'm bringing charts and journals printed off from this site that I've kept for weeks for my appt next Tues. I like this high, but I will be back to where I started before this 3 week long mixed or high episode if I don't get the right meds soon.

And if at all possible, get a therapist so at least you have someone to talk to about your current state even if the p-doc or your regular MD can't see you for every time your mood changes. And adjusting to meds can cause wild swings.

Not to sound brash or forceful, but everyone needs a safety net, even the "normal" people. They need friends and family and doctors in case something goes wrong. How much more so do we who are hostages to the whims of our brain chemistry (especially when non-medicated or wrongly medicated)? I hope you will find a team that can help you very soon. You don't have to keep on suffering like this. It takes perseverance to get better, but it's worth it. It's easier to see that you have a problem when you're in a depression, but it's easier to act on getting well when you're manic. That's what I'm trying to do with this new p-doc.

Don't give up. I've probably said that before, but it's true. Death will find all of us one day. Why not find the best life we can while we're here? We still have options. You have options to feeling better.

Its been hectic. I'm not quite sure what I'm feeling right now. I'm sad for sure. But my mind has clarity right now. That bothers me. The anxiety is a big problem for me right now. I'm not sure if I can be counted as being down or up bcz I feel a ltl of both right now and its really hard being pulled in two directions. My brain actually hurts. Not a normal headache. A brain ache.

Sorry that you're feeling torn and anxious. A regular MD can probably prescribe you an anti-anxiety like lorazepam (Ativan) or Valium, if you don't already have one. They're good for temporary relief in crisis situations. It's the only way I can sleep at all these days with my brain being so overstimulated. I get anxious too. When you feel anxious, impulsive, have heightened senses (clarity) and are sad, it can be a mixed episode. Don't get paranoid, but do keep an eye on your mood and thoughts. Stay safe.

Yes, I always have trouble this time of year... I've been really down and confused the past few weeks. Stress is one of the principal triggers for episodes, high or low. I tend toward the low side, but I've been wondering if I'm "mixed"...

Anyway, I just wanted to offer a word of support, I'm sure you know that things get better eventually, though it's hard to see sometimes!

I often wonder about the mixed episode thing too. All I know is I'm not quite right at the moment and I was honest with the therapist so I hope monday goes well. I'll have to leave work early to go. Than goodness they all know about me and will let me go. That's the one great thing about where I work I have a freedom and flexibility that helps so I can actually go to work. Any way I'm changing the subject. Thanks for all your input