i dont even know what is wrong with the picture anymore... i think i got sucked into a 4th dimension....
i see things you cant and i hear things you dont...
i am able to perceive peoples bad intentions,their alterior motives...
sometimes people watch me through the blinds and from hidden cameras placed all over the city and freeways.
the administration at my work are evil beings wearing human skin and i look at them and see flaws in their disguise... i can see that they are false people. they want to fire me and they are opportunistic, waiting for a reason to write me up.
the ADA office is nothing but an information gathering entity that fools us into believing they protect our rights but really they are just trying to keep tabs on all the people with mental illness, in order to put us all under surveilance. and they are conducting secret studies on me and others, monitoring our employment.
the noises i hear i know are real, i try to figure out what it all means and get past the mental barriers that have been chemically created by the medication the doctors prescribed with the false promise that it would make me "better".
i am worse and i dont think it is a coincidence....

i still exhibit the symptoms of "bipolar disorder"
and i experience what some label "psychosis" but maybe the diagnoses are wrong...
i suspect this may be prodromal stage of paranoid schizophrenia.
the mood disturbance has infected my thoughts and is disturbing my perceptions and rationalizations... appearing to be almost a combonation thought and mood disorder.
i am gripping tight to the current awareness of this gradual progression of my mental state.
but i will contine to post in bipolar and psychosis forums, cuz there is a combo of both going on in my mind.
i need to stay awake and not fall into the sleep of ignorance and oblivion, so i can study this as much as i can while i am still conscious.
so if anyone has links to scientific explanations for the chemicals responsible for dictating my irrational thoughts and unpredictible moods, please post some for me.
im on a quest for the answers to give me the advantage when the darkness becomes strong enough to envelope me.

cottoncandylocks.....i am unable to help you with the information you requested, but i do send you positive vibes........xoxo pat

[TgrsPurr]

Hi CCL, I don't think we've ever "met" before, but I have read many of your posts. You can post in any forum you want to or feel most comfortable in. I love the bp forum the most because this is like "home" for me.

I do see a chemical imbalance in your posts, but I don't have the ability to diagnose anyone or impose my opinions on anyone. I just hope that you continue to go to your doctor(s) and get the help you need. They are not out to hurt you, only to help you. Just make sure it's someone you feel comfortable with, to the best of your ability and under these circumstances.

I'll gladly be here to offer whatever support you need. Please keep posting. TgrsPurr. xo

[nothemama8]

CCL I truely am hoping your back on your meds as this was a consern of the past you belong anywhere you feel comfortable
Angie

thank you nothemama8.... i was confused for a while and not on meds for a good amount of time.... but i just started myself back on klonopin (as prescribed from before) which should hopefully tide me over til i see my doc.... it would be at least a week til i can get in there cuz he is on vacation.
i might tell him i need more help. i think i might need more intense therapy or something to do this.... there is an intensive outpatient program that meets 3 times a week...
if i cant make it to that cuz of work i might just go to as many group sessions that i can make time for.
the one on one stuff scares me, i am too paranoid for that type of thing rite now.
and i love the one doc that listens to me. and i trust him. i cant wait to see him again. just being in his presence... his acceptance... he cares. (his son is bipolar also) and i just want to feel safe in my own skin.......

[goofygirl]

Hi. I'm not sure where I fit, either. Sick of diagnosis slinging... just want a diagnosis so I can attempt to move on and get better.

Thank you for all your help in the wee hours of the morning... I can finally post, but I can't remeber what I tried to say last night!

Lisa

i think you summed it up well.