My Day

So, I'm not diagnosed with anything. Half of me thinks something is seriously wrong with me, and the other half of me thinks I'm fine. And I change so often and quickly, that I'd never be able to make an appointment one day and attend another day, or even in a hour time span...I'll probably change my mind...so I just don't do doctors. Well anyway, the past two weeks have gone like this:

Oct. 7th: I wake up MAD, and I don't know why. I'm just plain mad...so by the end of the night the world gives me a reason to be mad. My ex is on my little sister's facebook...so I blow up at my sister (fortunately she understands my moods so she first gets mad back, and then sends me a message saying that she loves me and if i want to talk about it, i can call her). She deleted him off her facebook, So I let it go...can't be mad at my sister, so the world has to find me someone else to be mad at.

Oct. 8th: I'm still mad...furious...so I blow up on my brother-in-law and his wife. And yeah they are crappy people, but I probably shouldn't have completely destroyed those relationships considering they are family...but I can't control myself sometimes. It all just built up and I exploded like a volcano.

Oct. 9-12: I stayed in control for the most part, but I wasn't happy. I dragged along, not doing much of anything except for staying on the computer all day. I did spend the weekend with family, but it wasn't any fun. The dates are a little foggy, but you get the point.

Oct. 13th: My husband gets mad at me for no apparent reason (call it karma) and I just about go off the deep end. I want to scream and I know my blood pressure shot thru the roof. My mind wouldn't slow down, I was tense, nervous, anxious, I couldn't eat, and I wanted to do something horrible to myself or something. Not fatal...just something to release all this fury. I finally decided to take a tylenol PM and Go to bed before it could get any worse. I fell asleep at 7pm.

Oct. 14th: Things are better with my husband, so I try to pick myself back up, but not very motivated. And I just don't care about my life. I manage to get some housework done, but I still haven't done homework in a week.

Today: I am all over the place. I have deep cleaned most of the house, and I cleaned the kitchen TWICE. I started at 7 this morning, and I have stayed busy until now. When I wrote in my journal...I wrote 100 mph when usually I just drag along. I can't believe I am actually saying this, but I think I was happy today...gasp! Not often I can say that. I feel so unpredictable. I have no idea what tomorrow will be like. That is what is so frusterating. I don't even know myself.

And it is just so sad, that I lose so many friendships and relationships. The thing is...that no one but me can see the way I am. Everyone thinks I'm just fine...but you know what...I know why...I dont keep them around long enough for them to figure it out. My biggest fear is that eventually my husband will leave me because he will figure me out...and realize I'm unmanageable. But okay...he won't leave me, because if it ever gets to that point...I WILL go to the doctor. If a stupid diagnosis of "mentally unstable" and a bag of prescription drugs will help me keep my husband...I'll do it. But not yet. Not until he comes back from Iraq. I was fine when he was here...and it all started back up when he left.

I'm not looking for any advice...yeah I know the benefits of meds and a therapist...but I can't go to one. Unless God brings one to my house, I can't do it. Not yet. I won't admit that I'm not right, not yet anyway. I'm fine, really...(right?)

Hello Another Day Down,

I really feel for you. I know what it's like to see yourself doing things and not being able to explain the uncontrolable things you do and having to apologize and explain yourself to people when you have no explanations.

There are lots of people here who will identify with you. I promise.

I would suggest one thing. Make a doctor appointment and keep it. Even if you begin to feel better, keep it. You need to be evaluated once and for all and get an answer to these things. I would suggest seeing either a phychologist who will be able to evaluate your symptoms and then if needed, refer you to a psychiatrist for medication, or see a psychiatrist in the initial step. Either way is OK. Please do not go to your general practitioner. All they will try to do is prescribe some psychotropic medications (like antidepressants or the like) and regular doctors simply do not know enough about those special medications to prescribe them really well. Besides, they might not know what kind you would need, if any.

I can tell you are really upset that this keeps happening. Frankly, if I was your friend who you call up and talk to on a regular basis, I would say, wow, it sounds like one day you are up, going 100 miles an hours. A few days later, you are b****** and biting everyone's head off. I would wonder if you are bipolar or something. I am bipolar. Of course, they say that if the only tool you have is a hammer, then everything looks like a nail. So, I always think everyone is bipolar. Just kidding.

But please, make an appointment and keep it. We really care about you. Let us know what happens.

Could be if you are feeling stressed for some reason, you might react to it in a "bipolar" manner even if you aren't clinically Bipolar. It sounds horribly frustrating to feel so all over the place! I know I feel as bad from that out of control feeling as I do from the actual things that I do. take care. Make an appointment. The best that can happen is he'll find you normal and can maybe referr you for som stress or anger management. the "worst" is that he'll say, yes, you are bipolar, and you can start treatment and get some peace in your life. Might not be so bad.

Hey Another Day Down. I just wanted to say that your husband probably knows good and well what you are, I doubt you're hiding it from him, even if you think you are and he hasn't left you yet, so he probably won't (at least not because of your moods). So there is one positive thing to look at.

My husband puts up with stuff from me that I would walk out the door for if he did it for 8 seconds.

Thanks so much for your support. I am back to irritable today...which means I'm hiding out in my room to avoid snapping on someone (and I live with my husband's parents...so things get dramatic if I don't escape). Something like the Maury Povich show on the tv blaring through the house, is making me extremely uncomfortable. I think I am getting a headache. It's stupid. BUT I do have good news. I haven't made an appointment yet, but I did write my husband an email about how I have been feeling. So, at least I'm not hiding it anymore. And I did take my son to the doc today to get his flu shot. It is something I have been avoiding for two months, cuz I hate doctors so much. My sister-in-law went with me, so I wouldn't back out. And even though I'm not the one getting the shot, my hands shook the whole time. I am so scared of the doctor's office. I've been thinking a lot and I think lonegael is right. All this stress is making my moods worse. I think if I just try really hard to cut back on my stress, these mood swings will calm down. Living with my in-laws, going to school, having my husband gone and mean to me half the time, and then the baby...I just gotta step back...and escape from stress if I need to. I might have to live here another few months, but rather than sitting here mad over a loud tv...I could take Gabe to the mall. And I'm not going to worry about my class until I am ready. If I fail it, it's not the end of the world. My Hubby and I will have to work on our communication issues together (but I have opened up the lines for that one). And the baby...I just gotta enjoy him. And if he gets overwhelming, like last night...just let him sleep in his own room. It won't kill him to be alone for a hour. DEEEP Breath IN deeeeeep breath OUT....stress free day. I can do this

Well said, Vicki

Another Day Another Down,

Also, before I give you my insight, I agree with Vicki, try to consult with a Psychologist; this will help you understand what you are going through.

I was reading your journal, which is a good idea to express your emotions. It seems to me that your actions are similar to mine. I suffer from bipolar and ADHD. I agree with everyone here you may have bipolar.

If you do have bipolar, I understand and can relate, its VERY hard to control your ups and down. Its almost like there is no filter and you cant stop, you go on and on and on... Its not easy, right?

Good or bad, high and lows are very wearing on the body.

When I experience mania I feel overwhelmed with uncontrollable anger or euphoria. This mania can last for hours, weeks, months and years. The energy that you had cleaning your house is generally a coping mechanize for the last attach and it’s a way you can release some of the left over energy from the attack.

Let me tell you, I have made and axx out of myself and have had to apologizes and have lost several jobs due to my disease.

If you ever want to chat, I am here to listen!!!

Yeah!!!! You're applying some coping skills!!!! This will help!!!

Yes...coping skills! I'm a work in process haha. Thanks everyone. Yesterday I was able to turn the anger and irritability into a positive mood. Rather than hanging around my irritants...I escaped and hung out with some other people that I haven't seen in 6 months. I had a really good time, and I think Mrs. B is even going to be able to help me with my project (another big stressor I have). I'm supposed to interview a Health care manager and it was making me soooo nervous, cuz I don't know one. But she is gunna set it up for me. I got to go. I would write more, but the baby just got up. I'll update you all later. I guess I've turned this thread into a journal haha. Oh well, more entertainment for you all.

Maury Povich?!!!! That would triggerme for sure! Actuallly, I know what you mean and I too think it's great that you are developing some otherways of coping with this. That is an ability that will help you alot in the future. Gotta go!

Haha yes MAURY haha...and they are also addicted to every single court tv there is...Judge Joe Brown...Divorce Court....just a bunch of stupid people arguing with each other. I have enough arguing going on in my head, I don't need to hear anymore! So I was mad at two other dumb things this morning, but I got over it. Then I go in there to get the baby a banana and find out that she has left the homemade lasagna out ALL night! Maybe I am just paranoid...but you can't leave meat and cheese out all night. And she has already gone to bed for the day (she works night shift) so that damn pan will sit out all day cuz I'm not salvaging it. It's too late. That stuff ruins and developes microscopic organisms. Am I wrong? I mean that was amazing lasagna...and now I can't eat it. If a few people can tell me the lasanga is still good, I'll get over my fear of bacteria and eat it for lunch, but otherwise I'll probably stay a little upset over the matter. And she was up all night...yet she couldn't do something as simple as finish loading the dishwasher. There was space for 3 more plates and maybe a cup, it wouldn't have killed her! AHHHHH pssh but I'll shut up. Maybe the rest of the day will get better. You never know. It's still early. Maybe I should go to my grandmother's house for a few days....

No way, don't eat the lasagna. That meat cannot be left out over night unless the kitchen was somehow refrigerator temperature.

THANK YOU! Now if there was some way I could convince them...they always look at me like I'M the paranoid idiot. hmmm.....I wish I were a scientist with special lab tools. I could take a sample and prove it.

I found this info:

http://wwff.wordpress.com/2007/03/26...-will-it-last/

That should also apply to lasagna, because they both have meat. If they think you are weird, so what. Feed you and your baby something else because that lasagna will make you sick.

sorry, posted twice for some reason

yeah I've made up my mind about the lasagna. I told my father-in-law how I felt, and he's like "I dunno" and I told him I wasn't eating it and he said okay. haha. so i feel better bout it. I love him haha. My MIL went to bed this morning so me and him were able to hang out. He made breakfast and then we made homemade juice using all the old apples and oranges we had. By the time MIL woke up, I was in better spirits and we made up for last night. I kinda apologized, so no one is mad anymore. Maybe she is starting to get used to me, or maybe I'm just more paranoid that I should be haha. But I'm feeling good now. Sometimes it just takes simple tasks, like making juice, to clear your mind.

However, the lasagna is still sitting out. She even ate some when she got up. I suppose she doesn't intend to refridgerate it. Oh well, if she gets sick we will know why. The baby and I will eat something else today

Anotherdaydown, that cracked me up!! Trhown on a hot sidewalk! You know, I live in a family of people so used to eating rancid food, they just don't notice any more. Once, I was visiting here in Sweden, and my husband's great aunt cooked up a moose roast for some dinner. I remember seeing it standing out but had no idea how long it had been out, so I really didn't think about it, and i went back to our floor of the house. Next day, there it was on the table with a host of other things, and I thought, well enough moose in the forest for another day, I'll try this other stuff instead. I passed the roast, notices some white stugg i thought was garlic powder, and thought no more.

I cleared the table and as my husband and I were cleaning up and putting stuff in the fridge, I noticed the white stuiff on the roast was MOVING. I hid the roast upstairs, planning on chucking it and saying we ate it later, told my father-in-law what had happenend, and the roast disappeared to appear on the table downstairs again. Why????? MY FATHER IN LAW didn't want to INSULT HIS AUNT AND BROUGHT THE FLY BLOWN ROAST BACk DOWN AS LEFTOVERS... like the roast, the story just wouldn't die until my sister-in-law stole it and buried it in the trash.

We do alright on stuf left out once, but no longer, but then, as you can see, basic survival has made my husband's family people of cast iron guts, and I am just used to the runs Just leave the lasagne be. Even good italian food aint worth it.

EWWWWW!!! don't tell me it was MOVING!!!! AHHHHH!!! ((me running around in circles screaming)) wow...oh P.S. I know everyone is tired of hearing about the damn lasagna...but its STILL sitting out. It's been almost 42 hours...and she's still eating on it. I asked her if her stomach hurt last night, and she said "no why." OHHHH no reason....gross gross gross. haha I'm not mad about it anymore tho...just totally grossed out. I watched her take out the trash this morning...when I dump the bathroom can into the big bag...i don't dare touch anything in it. She on the other HAND, takes it out with her bare hands and puts in in the big bag. We are all lucky that I wasn't on my period this week....and I say WE because she didn't wash her hands! she did that then put the rest of the groceries away....I have never witnessed her wash her hands. Germs. Bacteria....we just might die while living here. Please pray for our safety :P

Whoa! Will do!

lol, no doubt! my husband should be looong gone! i would never in a million years put up with the crap i do to him. thats why i feel my husband is desperate and thats the only reason he stays with me.

Two years later update: I wasn't bipolar. I was a brand new mother, living with her mother-in-law, while her husband was treating her like crap half way across the world.