[Gioia]

I am finding this very hard to write about, feeling anxious just typing this. I do not feel good about this at all, please don't judge me. Need to tell someone, because I simply cannot do this in real life.

I have been (during high) seeing and sleeping with another man. I'm scared of stopping the relationship because it makes me feel good and because I'm petrified of the void without him.

I know that this is selfish, my head says, leave it alone, the relationship is so damaging to not only me, but obviously I am married. I have contemplated leaving my husband to set up alone so that I can continue this affair (clearly hypomania talking to me!).

Last night my husband went out and I had phone sex with a guy I know, I don't even know why!

Has anyone else experienced this? I'm feeling very alone and scared of what I'm capable of on a high. I know I need to seek medical help, am in process of sorting all this, but just want to know if anyone else has difficulty in this area.

[newbob]

I've had similar experiences. Sometimes it makes me feel guilty, at other times it convinces me that the extramarital sex helps me live with the things that are lacking at home. I love my wife, but there are gaps in what we can provide each other. Our relationship is built on companionship, not being lovers. There are worse things. But the sexual satisfaction is still missing, and sometimes I indluge myself other relationships to fulfill that. I usually screw those relationships up by being too sensitive during down times and saying things that are hurtful. Like everything else, there are constant ups and downs.

Perhaps you need a break from your outside relationship to assess what you most need and how to keep things in balance. Ask for some time off to assess. Your affair is clearly a bad thing from one perspective, but from another it may or may not be a bad thing. If it enables your marriage to work, it may be the outlet you need to keep things in balance. If it just make you feel like a liar, it isn't. Take some time to figure it out, then your path will become clearer.

[hagabag]

Originally Posted by Gioia

I am finding this very hard to write about, feeling anxious just typing this. I do not feel good about this at all, please don't judge me. Need to tell someone, because I simply cannot do this in real life.

I have been (during high) seeing and sleeping with another man. I'm scared of stopping the relationship because it makes me feel good and because I'm petrified of the void without him.

I know that this is selfish, my head says, leave it alone, the relationship is so damaging to not only me, but obviously I am married. I have contemplated leaving my husband to set up alone so that I can continue this affair (clearly hypomania talking to me!).

Last night my husband went out and I had phone sex with a guy I know, I don't even know why!

Has anyone else experienced this? I'm feeling very alone and scared of what I'm capable of on a high. I know I need to seek medical help, am in process of sorting all this, but just want to know if anyone else has difficulty in this area.

sorry you are going through this it sounds like your intention is not to hurt your hubby, but because you have an emotional illness your acting out in this way is prorbaly just a bi-product of your illness. my sister is on meds for her bipolar and i think that helps her. could you talk with your husband and would he understand?

[Gioia]

Thanks Bob, I really appreciate your post.

I think I do need some time away from the other guy, because it starting to preoccupy my thoughts and I need to concentrate on getting on an even keel again with meds, therapy and at home. He is going away for the holidays so I guess that this is a good thing. I'm petrified that he won't want me back though.

All reason and rationality fly out of the window though when I think I can meet him, even for 15 mins rendezvous. I'm not having satisfying sex at home either, so have been instant messaging male friends to meet some needs and phone calls, and porn. It's such a welcome relief from reality.

I hate myself for this. I'm very very confused.

[Junerain]

How about marital counseling, or counseling you can go to alone if your spouse will not go?

[Gioia]

I think that is a very good idea June, we are looking to find a good marriage counsellor.

[Junerain]

Sounds like your emotions are sky high, with the 'thrill..' of it all, I have foold around on boyfriends too, and it's almost an addiction, a sexual addiction, an emotional addiction, all wrapped up into one...there are consequences to your actions though, like the loss of your marriage, it IS possible....hard to fathom in the THRILL of it all...

How about some counseling for yourself too, also there are 12 step groups for sexual addiction.

Try to calm down somehow, but don't be too ashamed, it happens to many...

[spiritual_emergency]

Gioia: I'm feeling very alone and scared of what I'm capable of on a high. I know I need to seek medical help, am in process of sorting all this, but just want to know if anyone else has difficulty in this area.

Hello Gioia,
It's my understanding that like overspending, hypersexuality, promiscuity and risky sexual choices can be part of the behaviors seen in a manic episode. On the flip side, any regret and shame may later become part of a depressive episode.

You seem to recognize that your behavior is linked to mania and that your marital relationship is at risk. These impulses may pass with treatment but you will likely be left to deal with some fallout in terms of your marital relationship.

It would probably be helpful if you could find a way of stopping your behavior until you have received treatment and are stable once more. Any permanent decisions regarding your marriage would probably be better addressed at that time as opposed to in the midst of a hypomanic or manic episode. If you don't think you'll be capable of ending your extra-marital relationships, you could consider voluntarily entering a hospital as a means of trying to protect your marriage.

These links may also be helpful:

- Acting on Impulse

- Confronting Mania's Secret Symptom: Opening the Door on Hypersexuality

- marriagebuilders.com

Best of luck to you and your husband.

[Gioia]

Thank you so much everyone. I will post again later, feeling a bit drained right now, but I really appreciate the responses.

spiritual, thanks for the links, i will certainly explore them all. thank you again
x

[spiritual_emergency]

My own child and I have had discussions that centered around mania-driven behaviors. We're not finished those discussions but we have noted that there is an emphasis on more, more, more -- whether it's new shoes, fancy meals, or sexual partners. There is an edge to mania that seems to demand satiation but the beast is fully revealed with the realization that no matter how much you feed it, true satisfaction/satiation is never reached.

It reminds me of a fairy tale I read a few years ago about a woman who longed to dance. Somehow, she got her hands on a pair of magic shoes that allowed her to dance non-stop but she soon discovered, much to her distress, that she could not take the shoes off and was forced to dance to a state of utter exhaustion.

I think mania can be like this because there seem to be such strong compellations that may appear on the surface to be enjoyable but can actually become torturous over time because you can't turn the desire for satiation off -- even if you want to, even if it is hurting you and the people you love the most.

[Gioia]

Spiritual, those links were very helpful, particularly the second one. I agree that I need to stop this behaviour and concentrate my energy on getting the right help and meds. Been looking at the sexual addiction forums which is helpful.

Typically I now think because I've recognised it that I've got it under control within minutes of reading about it (deluded?!). Seeing family doctor tomorrow and calling my CPN (Community Psychiatric Nurse) to arrange a meeting. Need to sort out meds.

Going to spend this evening writing it all down for my doctor. Buzzing a bit right now. Not really understanding my feelings today. Sorry if I'm annoying anyone.

[liljamie23]

i read the links also and found them quite helpful. i was kinda in the same boat awhile ago, so i guess i understand.

[spiritual_emergency]

I'm glad you (and others) enjoyed the links Gioia. Like other behaviors associated with bipolar disorder, people can find it a relief to realize it's not just them and there's something more going on than simply their inability to say, 'No'. Not all people will experience hypersexuality as a manifestation of their personal experience with mania but whether it's talking, cleaning, spending, partying, having sex or what have you, there is an underlying compulsion that drives their actions and makes it more difficult to say 'No'.

In some cases, people may be able to harness the energy of mania and turn it in a productive direction. For example, if your husband's sex drive is similiar to your own and you're investing all that sexual energy in your relationship, that could actually be a bonus in your marriage. Sometimes, partners' sexual compatibilities are not in line with one another but this is related to other issues within the relationship itself so it's worth investigating that route to see if that aspect can be improved. The marriagebuilders site may be helpful in that regard.

Continued best wishes for you and your husband.

[spiritual_emergency]

As an afterthought...

Gioia, I read an earlier post of yours wherein you noted it's as if you are two people at times and you're not sure which is the real you. I've attempted to understand my own child's experience from within the perspective of Jungian psychology and I had made an earlier post as related to the ego and the shadow (aspects of the Jungian model of the psyche) that is in a similar vein. Manic behavior seems to correspond with the concept of shadow possession in the Jungian model.

You can find more information in this discussion in regard to potential psycho-social or psychological approaches to understanding bipolar disorder: Guy went from sweet to perv. Please note that considering the disorder from a psychological angle does not require that we negate the role of individual biochemistry or of treatments that address the same -- whatever helps, helps. However, it also acknowledges that we are all more than a mass of chemicals vying for control and psychological approaches may also be helpful as a form of treatment or as a means of understanding our personal drives.

[Gioia]

Warning: the below response may contain rambling nonsense

I contacted the other guy today by IM. Got a rush when he replied. He will be away for the holidays but wants to see me again in the new year, I want to see him too. Feeling totally torn. I know I've gotten in too deep because I feel emotionally attached now, not in that I want him but that I'm desperate for him to make me feel desirable and need his validation. I feel like I'm totally out of control of the situation. Starting to obsess over how he feels about me. I know I'm using him for sex but can't handle that he is using me too, I want him to want me. (This sounds like an addiction doesn't it?) Unhealthy.

My husband has a high sex drive, I just don't want to have sex with him, it's not exciting enough. Feel like I'm pushing my sexual boundaries with this other guy and I really enjoy it.

Why can't I just be satisfied?! With anything?! I'm not happy with the sex with a man who really loves me and not happy with the relationship with a guy with whom the sex is great. And on top of this still needing more.

I want to be balanced! I'm so up and down........ feel so frustrated. Why can I know my mind in one moment and then in the next disregard the advice I've been drumming into my head all night?! Sick of trying to work out what I really want! It changes so often. I want to know my own mind and be in control!

I know I need the right treatment, therapy and meds, I'm just venting, so thanks for reading, hope I'm not annoying you all too much. (paranoid)

Is it normal to feel really lethargic but have your brain just full to burst? I can't concentrate on reading, tv, anything of much really. The thought of cooking makes me feel sick. Now I'm thinking, what if there's nothing diagnosable wrong with me? Maybe this is just me for life... untreatable and unbearable. Waiting for me to hit the self destruct button again.

Nothing makes sense anymore, me least of all. Can't define myself.

[spiritual_emergency]

Gioia: ... hope I'm not annoying you all too much. (paranoid)


I find I'm learning from the conversations, whether I take part in them or just read them. I appreciate people's candor because it's helping round out my understanding of bipolar disorder and how it might be expressing itself through my own child.

Meantime, it sounds to me as if you're working things out for yourself. In my own experience, sometimes the situation gets messier before it gets better but that's only because we've pulled everything out into the open where it can all be clearly seen. In the process, we learn to sort things through and put them in their proper place.

~ Namaste

[Navygrrl]

I've been where you are, more times than I can count. I wish I had some advice for you, and I kind of lucked out in the end, but I left a huge amount of damage in my wake. PM me if you ever just want to chit chat.