Not functioning, not happy

It sounds like you have thought it through, dear, and if you get them like I do, a hospital might be a good place to make a change over. How do the economics figure for you on that? Huggs.

BNLsMOM I'm really sorry that I somehow missed this thread until now. It sounds like things are still going really hard for you. I know when I read how you describe yourself and your day, it sounds just like me. The very thought of having to do anything structured outside of my house nearly makes me cry right now just thinking of the odd chance of it happening. I just cannot do it. I cannot commit to anything. Like you its all I can do to pick my son up from school everyday. I hope that you find the miracle drug combo soon.

As far as your husband, to be honest, I kind of want to smack him. Sorry, I know that's awful to say. Have you ever let him read what you've written on here, or would that even work? I just feel like he's not really looking at this from your perspective. If nothing else, maybe you should take one of these great descriptions of your feelings with you to your couples therapy next time and let your therapist explain you and your feelings and your illness to your husband. I realize everyone is allowed to be selfish, but it just seems like he's only looking at this as how it effects him, not how you are suffering. Please don't be angry if I'm being too pushy about your life, I don't mean it in any sort of intrusive way. Just tell me to shut up if you need to.

I think you're right on. (Will you marry me? LOL)

Today I feel more anxious than depressed, although it's still there. My ex is dropping my son off this afternoon, and although he knows what my condition is, I don't let him see the day to day manifestation of it. I am having such a hard time and I look like he**, so it's going to be hard to hide this time. I am toying with the idea of telling him I have been sick all weekend, but it feels like a lie and I hate to lie. In some situations, I am more honest than I should be. My husband is at his parents hous plowing out their driveway and I hope he is home in time to meet my son. I am hoping to go upstairs and hide using the excuse that I was up all night. I fell asleep somehwere between 4 and 5 this morning.

The neighbors are all outside plowing and I am afraid they'll see me sitting around watching TV. They know I "wasn't feeling well" because I didn't go to the neighborhood New Year's party.

I am going to leave a message for my T asking for an appointment for tomorrow. The problem is I don't want to go out. I have to get my to and from school tomorrow because he has OT Monday mornings.

My insurance would cover the stay but I think I have to go through the ER. It was horrible last time.

As far as care for the kids, that would be the hard part. My husband's good friends run my son's school and there is a pre-school, so they might be able to take my youngest and keep the kids until my husband can pick them up.

I'll talk to my p-doc Tuesday about switching my meds faster.

Hang in there, sweetie. Just as long as you get the help you need,m the other stuff will work out. Hugs to you, dear, and the kids.

T can't see me until my appointment Monday but can call me on the phone if I need him to for the next couple of days.

I need to call T again tomorrow.

I can't sleep again. I want to run away from here and find a new life somewhere happy. I want my children with me.

I don't even know if any of this is true or a delusion of bipolar. Am I just spinning all of this from a little feeling of dissatisfaction? Maybe I have no problems at all. maybe I just suck at life.

((((((((BNLsMOM))))))))))It sounds like you are so stressed and tired. HUGGSSSS,dear.

I am awake again tonight. Took my Seroquel, and waiting for it to kick in. I crashed for about 90 minutes this afternoon even though I wanted to save up the tiredness until bed time tonight.

Will I ever sleep again?

My mood is swinging all over the place this week. I almost connected with my T today, but he called when I was going to pick up my son from school. I'll try to reach him again tomorrow. I am seeing p-doc tomorrow.

I am so sorry that your husband is not getting it. Some of my family is like that - they love me but push me to "cheer up" or just be better. I know it is because they want what is best for me but don't know how to help me. I tried talking to my sister about it the other night and she got so defensive she isn't speaking to me at the moment. But I think that careful, open communication is so important. Loving a mentally ill person is scary and probably really difficult. We are hard to understand and our "mood" changes keep all of us guessing. Patience is important for both sides.
As far as you doing all the right things but not getting better, maybe your meds aren't right after all. It is all trial and error and what works does not necessarily work forever. And maybe you need to work with your therapist on the things that scare you - a job, a schedule, etc. When I am off work and a bad episode hits, I will sleep all day like I did this past weekend but this morning it was time for work so I went and took it ten minutes at the time and the cloud lifted this afternoon. Before I moved to the department I am in now, I had a few great people there who knew about my disorder and accepted it when I was really quiet and struggling and just sort of waited it out. Now that I am in a different larger department where only my new boss knows, I feel like I have to be up even when I can barely speak to them. Hopefully that will get better.
I am not saying that working is do-able for you. I just thought you might think of it as a possible goal. It is not easy but might make you and your husband both feel better about your progress.
Good luck and keep talking.