[FeelingHopeful]

Do you miss or think about people you pushed away?? Also which is longer the mania or depressive state? And do you handle each state differently.?

[rcsweep]

not a easy a question as it sounds. i'm sure you will get multiple answers. but for me it's a vicous cycle. when manic i seek out people and become very sociable. i look up people i havent seen in years, last time it was childhood friends from 20 yrs ago. for awhile it was like we never parted ways untill i started with those pesky delusions, it does'nt take long to alienate everyone. then the crash and guilt and shame. i push everyone away even though i need them more than ever. i need to insulate the ones i love from the sickness to maybe perserve what little is left of that relationship in hopes one day i can function normal and regain all that was lost. to further complicate matters one might become a little parinoid and think the worst of the littlist thing. so you push away to protect yourself. i think it was robert lowell that wrote somthing like "mania is a sickness for our friends and family but depression is a hell we keep for ourselves" or some such thing.
i rapid cycle quite a bit so thers no rest for the weary, i've bin on a good combo of meds that has really helped though i have my days.

[Navygrrl]

When I start to get hypomanic, I start looking up guys I used to have relationships with in the past, and of course none of them were healthy relationships. I'm really trying not to do that anymore, since the last time my husband found a chat log (he wasn't looking for it, it just popped up when he opened the browser) that was completely inappropriate and hurt him very much.

[VickiesPath]

By definition, Bipolar I and Bipolar II have differing mania and depressive states.

Bipolar I is marked by more distinctive mania which is usually higher and stronger and is more frequently augmented by psychosis than is Bipolar II. The depressions can include psychosis also but the mania is by far the worst of the two moods.

Bipolar II usually has hypomania which is a less severe form of mania and less frequently is accompanied by psychosis but has more severe depression and the depression can frequently be accompanied by psychosis. Bipolar II depression is frequently medicated with a combination of medications including at times an atypical antipsychotic.

To answer your question, I have Bipolar II, so my depressive states are longer, usually. But I never think about what I did previously. I have always taken the best medication regimen that the doctors had to offer at the time so I spend very little time ruminating over past actions. The only regrets I have is that I wish I had been properly diagnosed earlier so that I could have gone further in school than my B.A.

[FeelingHopeful]

Rcsweep and navygirl you both said you seek out old friends. some not good for you. What seeking out all new people. Getting a new crowd. and leaving old friends behind. Have you ever done that?

[FeelingHopeful]

Thanks Vicki! Very helpful. Guess my next question is if your not taking meds is tgat when you miss it and have guilt.

[Navygrrl]

Originally Posted by FeelingSad

Rcsweep and navygirl you both said you seek out old friends. some not good for you. What seeking out all new people. Getting a new crowd. and leaving old friends behind. Have you ever done that?

I also have GAD, so my anxiety about going out in public and interacting with new people keeps me (for the most part) from seeking out new people. In my Naval Reserve unit, I was basically forced to get to know a lot of new people, and once I knew them, well then there was trouble.

[rcsweep]

What seeking out all new people. Getting a new crowd. and leaving old friends behind. Have you ever done that?[/quote]

easy answer is yes. but that has bin my entire life for many reasons. i always move in and out of many different social groups. but i never really belonged in any of them but could fake it. i meet new people in my job every day, but have trouble making close relationships pretty much i have none.
breakfast in the ghetto and dinner at morton's ( i try to get the bill in the morning lol

[FeelingHopeful]

Hey Rcsweep. Have you ever fit into a group that you considered family? What about a group who became like a family? Have you ever gone back to a particular group or friend you felt close to after a episode even if it was some time later??

[jamesmb]

Like Vickie, I'm Bi-Polar II, with longer depressions. Like Navygrrl, I have GAD. When I'm manic (ok, technically hypomanic), I'm more sociable. But I actually feel like I have LESS TIME for people. Or get irritated by the need to have extended conversations.

When depressed, its more complicated. The GAD (Generalized Anxiety) is more severe, because the mania isn't there to overcompensate. So I don't want to go out, I don't want to talk to people, I use the automatic teller and self-checker in the grocery....I push myself to apartment hunt and job hunt, but each exchange takes a LOT out of me.

But at the same time....

Those are the times I most cherish my visitation times with the kids. Those are the times I write lengthy emails to my best friends (rather that short, caustic updates on facebook). I guess the key in those times would be the need for a deeper connection.

But yet...

There are also times I don't want to talk to anyone. At all. My pain is so deep - I don't want to talk about trivialities like what movies our kids like, or who came over for Christmas - or, or, or...

I don't even want to hang around peers, or go to group therapy.

It's a *****.

If there is an upside - just stick around. The mood will change.

Of course, I am too pure and virtuous to do anything really crazy.

Yeah right. Anyone know how to delete chat logs? Things got a little weird when the doc tried ADD medication on me. (At least that's my story, and I'm sticking to it.)

[VickiesPath]

Originally Posted by FeelingSad

Thanks Vicki! Very helpful. Guess my next question is if your not taking meds is tgat when you miss it and have guilt.

I was not taking meds when I was in university because I had not been diagnosed and had no idea there was a name for my illness. Now that I know that I was, indeed, sick back then, I do have regrets but not guilt. Guilt indicates that I knew I was doing something wrong. I am proud of what I was able to accomplish through sheer will. There were times when I literally forced myself to attend class and complete assignments. I was paying for that freakin' education, after all. (I was, not my parents.) But completing the undergraduate work was so difficult there was no way I was going to attempt graduate school. Had I been diagnosed and medicated, maybe things would have been different. But you need to realize that this was 1977. It would be another 27 years before I would be diagnosed correctly.

Or maybe I'm just not understanding the question. Sorry.

[FeelingHopeful]

I hope i didnt confuse everyone lol. I shoukd have wrote it diff. I think what i mean is if your not on meds and push people away due to mania or depressive state do you feel guilty after the mania ends because you know that the meds could have helped you and maybe you would not have done that if you were taking them. Also if you do take m.eds do you still push people away ? Hoping to get diff opinions on people who take meds and who doesnt take meds and if you both push people away and the aftereffects. i know that was dragged oit. hope it made sense

[VickiesPath]

Ah, thank you for elaborating. Honestly, I believe that the reasons behind my relationship difficulties were less due to my bipolar than they were due to other factors. I could be a poster child for the dysfunctional lifestyle. I was raised by two alcoholic parents, was an undiagnosed bipolar child, had the worst self-esteem in the world, was untreated for years, was misdiagnosed and treated for an incorrect diagnosis for 19 years, and then finally, at the age of 52, was finally diagnosed correctly.

I've probably spent more time examining the causes and effects of these things on my life than the average person. And in all honesty, I have to say that the one thing that had the biggest impact on my relationships was the alcoholism. I'm not saying that being bipolar didn't cause problems because it did. Probably the biggest problem was the way I spent money irresponsibly. But in the relationship itself, the effects of being raised by alcoholic parents, and in particular a mother who used to beat me, had the biggest impact upon my ability to maintain intimate relationships. I couldn't trust anyone. And I didn't have a clue. I thought I had a handle on it but I was clueless. Two of those men I was married to, I did them a favor by divorcing them. The other one, he wasn't such a catch and I'm probably better off.

I think this answers your question, finally.

[FeelingHopeful]

Thank you for sharing your story vikki. i know its not easy. You all are helping me so much. I dont want my friend to struggle tgrough life . I know it will be a struggle for him but if i can help make it easier i want to. Staring out my window at work and i m crying as i write. Sometimes I feel far away from him. so so sad.

[pondbc]

well said!

[AngeLicMysterY1994]

"i look up people i havent seen in years, last time it was childhood friends from 20 yrs ago. for awhile it was like we never parted ways untill i started with those pesky delusions, it does'nt take long to alienate everyone. then the crash and guilt and shame. i push everyone away even though i need them more than ever."

Wow. it is so comforting to hear someone else say this. I do the same thing, but could have never put it into words so well.
It took me soo long to realize that the times in my life that I thought were "normal, or happy" were actually manic phases that always produced feelings of guilt after they came to an end. Before my axniety became real bad, I would hop from person to person trying to make best freinds out of them all. my thing was always not so much having a group of people, more a best freind that I became obsessed with and basically smothered. I did this with lots of different girls I worked with, or whatever, and then I pushed them all away when the delusions got to me and stuck me right back into the dark hole of depression. Then I isolate...refuse to see or even talk with anyone. Eventually people stop trying. Really, it is a sad existance, because then I become stuck. Others move on with thier lives...and I am left with all of my delusions about old freinds. Then I become manic again .... and the cycle starts all over. Facebook is soooo bad for being manic. I message old freinds who are left wondering why I have not moved on??? getting older i find it harder and harder to make new freinds. my axniety has become a real problem due to the guilt and shame I am left with after manic episodes....who can handle not being able to trust themselves?? It is hard to sort of have to personalites...one that is grounded somewhat...and another who is a maniac!!

[VickiesPath]

Originally Posted by AngeLicMysterY1994

"i look up people i havent seen in years, last time it was childhood friends from 20 yrs ago. for awhile it was like we never parted ways untill i started with those pesky delusions, it does'nt take long to alienate everyone. then the crash and guilt and shame. i push everyone away even though i need them more than ever."

Wow. it is so comforting to hear someone else say this. I do the same thing, but could have never put it into words so well.
It took me soo long to realize that the times in my life that I thought were "normal, or happy" were actually manic phases that always produced feelings of guilt after they came to an end. Before my axniety became real bad, I would hop from person to person trying to make best freinds out of them all. my thing was always not so much having a group of people, more a best freind that I became obsessed with and basically smothered. I did this with lots of different girls I worked with, or whatever, and then I pushed them all away when the delusions got to me and stuck me right back into the dark hole of depression. Then I isolate...refuse to see or even talk with anyone. Eventually people stop trying. Really, it is a sad existance, because then I become stuck. Others move on with thier lives...and I am left with all of my delusions about old freinds. Then I become manic again .... and the cycle starts all over. Facebook is soooo bad for being manic. I message old freinds who are left wondering why I have not moved on??? getting older i find it harder and harder to make new freinds. my axniety has become a real problem due to the guilt and shame I am left with after manic episodes....who can handle not being able to trust themselves?? It is hard to sort of have to personalites...one that is grounded somewhat...and another who is a maniac!!

You just described my social life. I have never had anyone before describe it so well. It is amazing to me. Thank you so much. I have never, ever been able to make friends or have lasting friendships because I am 57 years old and was only correctly diagnosed as bipolar five years ago. Seriously. I was treated for major depression for many years and it did nothing for the hypomania and when the SSRI's came along, the hypomania came more often and more intensely and trying to make friends became even more difficult. I think that maybe now I have convinced myself that I am incapable of making friends and I believe it to the point that I simply don't try.

I am so glad you posted this. Welcome to PsychCentral. I hope to keep in touch with you.

Does your username have a significance? There is a reason I ask. Please feel free to PM me with the answer if you wish.