[Fire_Star]

Right now, I really can't take it.

My life is worthless. I'm sick of my mood changing so much in a day and I can't wait till I get any medication or real support.

My bf is in one of his moods where he wants to be alone - but i need him right now but he;s ignoring me.

If the one person i trust and care about that i believe to be the most understanding on ****ed up me isn't here, there's no point to anything I do.

No more. I need the pain to stop. Sick of it.

[crystalrose]

sorry you are feeling so bad right now.

are you experiencing rapid cycling??

is there someone you can talk to?

[Vampi]

You need to call your doctor, NOW.

As for your boyfriend, I can tell you that there are times when our mates *need* some alone time. I doubt he's doing it to hurt you, but he may need to have some time to build up his energy and defenses to be a good partner to you!

I know it's difficult to see the good side of anything right now, but keep telling yourself that this will pass... because it will.

Now, GO CALL YOUR DOC.

[Fire_Star]

Crystal - I don't know. I've only been really diagnosed and don't want to self diagnose any of my symptoms. I think from what I know that I am rapid cycling. I'm so exhausted and sick of being this unstable.

Vampi - I don't have a doctor. Just the one GP I got a referral for a psychologist for and I've only had one session so far. I'm not a local where I am at the moment, so it's a mess. I trying to make myself go to emergency. There's a hospital close by me.

I was starting to slowly get it together again an hour ago but I seem to be falling apart once more now.

[Vampi]

I know it's difficult to make that step to the hospital But please, make that step. Try and keep in mind that this will pass... repeat it to yourself if you have to. Maybe let your boyfriend know that you really need to speak to someone? He may just need a nudge to remind him that you need him at this moment.

[Fire_Star]

I tried earlier and got a grumpy, 'what do you expect me to do?' so didn't ask him to take me to the hospital. He's tired and it's really late. I have a close friend on chat at the moment so he's keeping me kind of stable so I think I can make it through the night till I get tired. Though it's 1:30am and I need to be up at 6:00am for work. I shouldn't go in but I haven't worked in 5 days and need some cash. :-(

[Vampi]

ugh. I've been unable to hold down a job since 2000. I had a nervous breakdown at my job and that was it. I've had a job here in Texas, only 2 days a month, but even that was too much for me. I can't do 8 hour days. I can do 4, but 8 is just too much for me.

I'm glad you've got someone to talk to. If you really feel that you need to be at the hospital, please call 911. They don't make you feel bad for calling

[Fire_Star]

Yeah, I was working 6 days a week, 8 hour shifts but now it's only 3 days and I'm still dreading it. All well. It keeps my mind off things better than I can when I'm alone.

If I start to freak out again when my friend has to get off chat, I'll do the call. I still feel hopeless but the crying is gone and the panic has faded. It's a better place in my head now.

[Vampi]

I'm glad Just remember, these feelings won't last long. I know it's difficult to just ride it, but do try, okay?

[BNLsMOM]

Fire Star, Did you get some sleep? Are you OK today?

[Fire_Star]

Hey guys, thanks for the support. I managed to get two hours sleep and still get into work. Feeling a lot more stable now, still a bit sad and lost but functioning and thinking straight again pretty much. Hoping for a nice night that doesn't trigger me and I should be all good for now.

[Giabrina]

Hi Fire Star, please let me know if you are okay. You really, really helped me when I was at a very low point and never thought I would make it out alive. I am here for you now. Please let me know how I can help. things will get better!

[lonegael]

Hang in ther Fire star. Hope that you continue o feel better, but if there is any problem, just hop on the box, OK? HUGGGS

[Fire_Star]

Hey guys, I'm doing pretty well today. I still have passing suicidal thoughts but they don't linger in my mind and my anxiety has gone away so I'm feeling pretty safe again. I just hope I don't have such a rapid drop in and out of depression again now that my psychologist is in hospital so I haven't got her to fall back on. :-(

[lonegael]

Did your Talk doc leave you with an on-call person, Fire star?

[Fire_Star]

Nope. I've only just started seeing her so I've only really had an initial meet and greet session. I have no idea who I should contact now when I need to other than the hospital but I'm not very good at going to one when I need to. Bah! ><