[ron982]

I'm hurting the one I love. Every day I am throwing tantrums, starting fights, and acting irrationally. I am yelling, swearing, and bombing my partner with delusional, twisted interpretations of her words. It is clear she is at the end of her rope yet I keep pushing her away.

I spent months studying triggers. I think it's time for a change. Why not find ways to fight the bad behavior, regardless of the trigger? Does anyone know how I can change my behavior when I start to lose control? How can I get it back again after losing it? How can I show my partner the love and trust from when we began together?

She almost left the other day. This is one of the worst behavior episodes so far. Even in the face of losing it all, I behave badly. Why don't I stop that? What am I trying to prove?

Ron982

[grizmom]

Is bipolar your only diagnosis? I ask because sometimes these kinds of behavior can also fit with borderline personality disorder, and there is a specific treatment for that if you are diagnosed with it. If not, I would recommend finding a CBT counselor (cognitive behavioral therapy) or even looking for a book about it...I think you can get workbooks too. I've had some CBT counseling and it does help with how to learn new behaviors to replace inappropriate ones. Also, talk to your doc about it and see if your meds need to be adjusted...

Take care, and I hope you can get things sorted!

[musikcrazy]

I have a lot of problems with extreme anger and irrational behaviors. I hate hurting my husband, but it seems like there is this uncontrollable monster inside of you. I have tried CBT, traditional counseling, etc. I am about to start Biofeedback, and I will let you know how that turns out. The only thing that works for me is if I can get to the gym before I explode. Excercise seems to keep my anger at bay, although it isn't foolproof. My husband and I made a deal that when he sees me turning into the 'bad' side, he stops me and has me do deep breathing. It doesn't always work, but 80% of the time it helps. I also give my husbad permission to walk away from me before I say or do something I'll regret. This is hard to do, as sometimes you just need to be heard, but it's better than the consequences of your actions. Hang in there.

[billieJ]

Ron, you got some excellent responses above. I have been where you are, and it is those closest to us that we tend to hurt the most - probably because they are the ones who tend to be there. Walking away, talking to your SO when you are feeling more rational, exercise, and CBT all sound excellent. I used to have an SO who would begin to fan himself with his hand madly when he was angry. It was funny, and we would both start to laugh! Does it help to think of your loved one as a little, hurting person, when you get angry? Can you explain to her that you are sorry that your illness makes you a little paranoid in misinterpreting her remarks sometimes, and that you are working on this as far as you know how? Would a med change help? Have you talked to your pdoc or T about the problem? Would telling yourself, "I'm probably just paranoid," help at all, when you start to get angry? I'm just guessing here, as I have long been too medicated to either cry or get mad - lol. But I have been there, and, fortunately I had, at the time, a Significant Other, who was extremely understanding. Unfortunately, I failed to realize his virtues and departed for "greener pastures" only to find that there were not any. It's plain that you are trying to get better, and I hope that you will try some of the excellent suggestions made by the above responders. Caring About You and Wishing the Best for Your Relationship ~ billieJ

[Dave255]

Anger outbursts can be the result of underlying stress and frustration. You could be pushing aside stressful experiences, situations where you can't do anything to fix the problem causing the stress. Letting them build up inside and you unload your anger at your loved one.

For example you could be daily frustrated at side effects of your meds, stuff you can't do because of your condition or things that apply to none bipolars as well. If you push those stuff inside and try to ignore them the stress they cause doesn't just go away like that, it can linger and build. Or maybe a clerk in a store disrespects you somehow, you might want lash out, but decide not to in front of so many people. That builds too.

A basic example that applies to many people with anger problems is frustration at work and with their boss or customers, an employee can't lash out at either no matter how justified they feel so they let those emotions stew inside. They think its disappeared or the feelings will just go away, only to find out it is lashed out at loved ones when they get home. If a guy doesn't have work, that causes lots of stress for many guys.

Every person, not just Bipolar have stressors. Everyone at a time has lash out at their partner to relieve stress, even when the partner had nothing to do with the cause of it.

If you don't find a constructive way to deal with stress, it can explode on you. Doing meditation can definitely help with that, exercise also really helps. Eating well makes a big difference. You can never eliminate all stress causing events and you can't deal with all them when they come up.

You could try talking to your partner about stuff that bugs you daily, stuff that you just regularly push aside.

[grizmom]

ron...I was thinking about this again last night, and I remembered something that worked for a friend of mine who was having similar problems...she and her partner set a "code word" and whenever she began to say things that were inappropriate or hurtful, her b/f would say the code word and they had agreed that if he said that word, she would take a "time out"...she usually went for a walk and then journaled for awhile; in her journal she would write out what she was feeling, what she thought her b/f could do to help her get through it, and exactly what she wanted him to know. It did help them a lot, so you could give that a try, you just need to be committed to stopping yourself and taking a breather if your partner says that code word. Best of luck to you!