Just, Gah. Punch computer, gah. Rant rant rant

****ing hell.

So I've been manic for only a couple of days. Woke up feeling rather normal. Was quite happy about it. Confused but relieved. Went out and may of spent a bit too much... so maybe didn't stay normal or wasn't as normal as I thought. I also got lost in a part of the city I don't know because I went, **** it! I don't need a map of mobile GPS! Because walking up weird ally ways to make a short cut when you're already lost is smart. Eventually I thought to call a friend for them to Google Maps me but she had no net. So then I found a cafe finally and the owner pointed down a road and said 200m that way to what I want. It was more like 500m dammit. Hey, at least I didn't go take off track I suppose.

I spent my evening baking a cake for my boyfriend, then I burnt it. Then I burnt my finger. Then later I cut into my nail. Gah, rage. I tried soooo hard to keep the happy mood I had during my before-cake-burnt time but no. And my psychologist is still sick and I still have 3 weeks till a see a pdoc. Making no progress, just getting worse.

Now I feel very ragey.

/rant

(((((((fire Star))))))

I been on the upside lately, spending too much money on anything just to spend it...like I'll feel more better if I spend just one more penny.....The only relief I'll get is to be snowed in here for a couple of days (on east coast USA)...now I found out I hit the lottery this a.m.....Geez, I hope 25" of snow is enough to reign me in......I'll probably freeze to death in a snowbank going to collect......
It' good to sit back and take a deep breath, if your feeling the boiling start....it helps me to just chuckle at something funny I'll think of.....Y

hey, hate to read things are difficult now. just dont be too hard on your self, okay take care

I'm having such a crap day. Too many bad thoughts. :<

Are you safe? Keep posting, OK?

I'm safe today.

Had a bit of a scare yesterday. My boyfriend needed alone time and it's becoming a trigger for me. So I woke up feeling rotten and had a bit of a spaz out when I didn't have his company so went for a walk without shoes or my glasses down a kind of busy road. I wanted to find birds to watch or something. ><

Now we worked out that he needs to tell me directly ' i need time alone' instead of just having it to set my paranoia at ease. So now I can stop being a pain in the arse and he knows I'm having trouble with control at the moment.

Frustrating being this unstable. I keep thinking I should go down to the hospital. I rather not though.

I understand instability. I am happy that you are safe today.

I am glad you and he worked out a system to make things easier. It's a good idea.

The hospital is a hard decision. I found when I finally went it took the pressure off me. I could rest and people there understood me at my deepest level. I think it saved my life and gave me hope for my treatment.

I think of the hospital when I feel frightened or upset and although I found aspects of it traumatic, I found aspects comforting and I think of those when I need it.

Do what you have to do to make it through.

Not feeling well again. Night times are getting worse for me, stuck with my thoughts too much. Dammit.

Night is hard. Keep checking in, OK?

Very stressed which is making me mad tonight but keeping my urge to get violent or SI in line so I guess that's good. Can't wait for my day off. One more shift and I can relax for a bit.

Just keep looking forward to relaxation.

I spent part of my morning looking up the effects of different types of suicide methods have on the body. I don't know why, my thoughts aren't even intense today. Stressed about my day off as I have a doctor's appointment, not related to my head crap. Poo.

I did that while I was in crisis too. I was convinced that my thoughts weren't that bad, that I wasn't even very depressed.

Would you consider calling your p-doc and or T? I can remember right now if you are seeing a therapist.

Would you call a crisis line?

I don't have a landline and it's no credit on my mobile phone so dead end there. My psychologist is still in hospital so I don't have anyone else to call or see. 2.5 weeks to go till I get to see a pdoc. ><

I think I might go shopping. I just won't take too much cash with me so yes, control!

Fire Star, you are worrying me a bit. Make a call to your t or you pdoc and let them know what is going on. If you can't get hold of them, please go to the hospital if you start feeling out of control. Your suicidal ideation worries me. I've been there. It's dangerous. Take care of yourself.

Don't quit posting. We're here for you until you can call your T or pdoc. and like farmergirl said, if it gets too bad please go to the hospital.

i agree with MOM, keep posting.

i know the feeling... i love hypomania, but mania blows. totally.

Thanks guys.

I managed to clean my flat and do my groceries today. Woo functioning. Hard to at times.

I tried to get into contact with my psychologist's office but the office is closed today but some odd reason. Brilliant! All well.

You sound a little more hopeful today. Just hang on.

I'm rather manic right now.

Spent the day feeling pretty much like nothing, blank mind, bad concentration etc

Now I'm bouncing all over the place and cooked some stuff in the kitchen in super speed. No idea what Iwas doing but it tastes nice.

Okay, I'm really tripping out. Staying in my sit. Whenever I get up, I start pacing and circling even though I'm trying to do something. GRRRR!

Oh, sick of it. Give up time.

Yuck. Manic is no fun. Hang in there, OK? It will pass.