Giving up **TRIGGER**

Things have been getting steadily worse, I keep having to ask the teachers to be excused so I can run to the girls toilets and fall to pieces, and I can't even cry; I just clutch my head and try not to scream, or Ill be sat there and these waves of crushing emotional pain will wash over me, and I that's the only time when I feel like crying. I'm no fun to be around because I can't talk because Im either mentally preoccupied or scared that I might say something hurtful or crazy and they'll finally realise my mental health problems and depression and lock me up, and I hate being so weak and scared and vulnerable and paranoid, Ive dropped a clothes size recently, and Im so insane and mental and screwed up, and I know that no one ever likes me or will like me, and that no one cares or will ever care and it hurts so much, I just want to step in front of a moving car, and I almost did the other day.

(Already published this on Deppression, but put it here as well)

you need to go to the doctor. it's scary - yes. you're giving up control. once people start understanding and helping you, you'll see how much better things are. you clearly can't keep pretending everything is okay.

It sounds like you really someone to talk to. Are you under a doctors care? Can you make an appointment or speak with a school counselor? I know it's seems over whelming but it will get better, you just need the proper help.

I am sorry that you are hurting so bad and, afraid of both, yourself and letting people know the truth. It sounds to me like you really need to confide in someone and get help. You aren't weak. To be able to operate at all through the crushing weight of all of this is a testament to that. For most everyone that feels the way you do, getting help is the only way to get better. I know with the stigma that has been associated with mental health can be a scary thing to have to face. But is it better then where you are now? I hope you take the time to really think about your options. Sometimes when I am in the worst of it I don't feel like i have any but there are. Please be safe.

Thanks for reaching out here. I think you need to speak with a counselor at school or a doctor or someone you can trust. We can be here to read, but you need face to face help.

I'm sorry to hear you're not feeling well. Reaching out on here is a great step! Recognising when you need help can be difficult and I know I had trouble seeking help for years.

I went through a similar situation during my high school years. In the end, my breakdowns/episodes became so frequent I never could find somewhere to hide - It would happen in front of everyone during class or during lunch breaks. So in the end, my grade co-ordinator, deputy principal and school counsellor forced me into counselling which I ditched in the end. I wasn't ready to accept help and having the situation lead me into help in that way didn't convince me to get help either.

So I hope with the support of some of us here or friends you have at school, that you'll be able to see a doctor or counsellor. Even try one of the hotlines if you're not ready yet for a face-to-face thing. You're not alone and once you take that dive to see someone for support like a doctor, you'll feel much more in control, the weight of it all will lift and you'll get through this. *hugs*

talking to someone, ANYONE, will help, i promise you that. five times i have seriously thought about "doing it," and two times i actually tried. those two times were during a period of my life when i had no psychiatric guidance, i didn't have an outlet (like this site or a personal blog), and i felt completely abandoned and alone.

please dont feel alone. keep putting your feelings here if you'd like, but if you are serious about getting better tell someone close to you. you are less likely to hurt yourself if someone you know and loves knows about your intentions beforehand. not that i think it will come to that, but that has just been my experience.

PM me anytime, day or night. i'd love to chat or just swap war stories. anything to distract us from what we are feeling.

Thank you everyone for your kind comments, Ive clicked thanks on practically everybodys lol, Its just Im probably being melodramatic about all this, I mean you all have bigger problems than I do, Im just really scared by all this, I just wanna feel human again and I doubt I ever will. Take care all of you x