[ontar]

I feel very sad, and worried, and anxious, and my head aches, and, at the same time, I can't be still and can't concentrate or even read. Also, I want to cut very badly. I need it. Most of the time I just feel like ending it(I won't do it). It's crazy, because I'm restless but at the same time I have no energy at all. I want to sleep and I don't want to sleep. And I just feel like I hate my stupid sweater, like I want to "hurt" it. I also feel like SI'ing badly. And I also am in love, and I miss that person terribly, obsessively, though obviously we're not even acquaintances. I want to scream, but I can't. I'm screaming all the time in my head. I don't know. I'm sorry. I feel like I'm losing it and can't talk about it to anyone. I feel so very lonely. I'm just venting. Don't mind me. I'm sorry.

[gravyyy]

Hang in there ontar... I don't know your diagnosis but it sounds like you're all over the map. I've been there as well and it's so frustrating and tiring and you just feel like crap. Things will get better... like you probably know, it's a roller coaster and unfortunately right now you're experiencing everything all at once. Keep your head up and take it a day at a time. Welcome to PC, but sorry you're in such a yucky place.

[ontar]

Hey. Thanks for the reply. I feel extremely sad right now. I feel like crying. And my head aches so bad. I don't know what to do. I feel so lonely.

[romanjames2004]

Ouch. I very empathetic toward you. Just please hangin there and remember that at the end of the day, any day now, you could be feeling alot better which is what I hope for you. My mom calls them nervous "breakdowns". becasue usualy they are do to alot of stress. Just please hang in there!

Hugs

Roman.

[FeelingHopeful]

Ontar, Im so sorry you are feeling so badly now, glad you joined here,this place is wonderful with wonderful people so we are here for you when you need us,Dont be sorry,your allowed to vent,your going through a very rough time, im here if you would like a friend..Sending you a online hug--

[ontar]

Thanks a lot for all your support guys. It sure means something. I woke up with the worst headache. It was so bad I felt like crying. I was quite depressed too. I didn't want to get out of bed, even though it was 3:30 in the afternoon. Then, I started to feel a little better for no reason whatsoever. And now I'm feeling depressed again. I'm tired of fighting the urges to cut.

[ontar]

I just cut. Feel better. And kinda calmer. But I don't really know about that. I guess I feel kinda calmer and not at the same time. I hate myself so much, haha. When I was cutting I felt like doing something that would be censored here if I said what I was, but obviously, being the ****ing worthless coward that I am, I didn't dare to do it. And I guess it would have been stupid to do it, after all. I'm still angry, too, I guess. I also carved on my skin the initial of the person I'm in love with twice.

[dj586858]

I used to cut and it did calm me. The can't-breathe-can't-sit-still-can't-calm-down feelings always made me want to. The last time I felt that way, I got through it without cutting and haven't cut since although I do still have razor blades. My md finally stopped making me take off my jackets and roll up my sleeves checking for cuts. I recently admitted to my therapist that I used to do that. I tried to explain how it made me feel, that it didnt' hurt anyone. She told me that she and my head dr won't see someone who is cutting. Great. Just leave me out there on my own. Really kind of made me mad. Anyway, I am trying to say in my rambling sort of way that cutting really isn't the answer. Believe me, I know it makes you feel better for a while but you really have to be careful not to damage anything or get an infection. The answer is to get the help you need. Please. Thinks will get better. Take care and good luck.

[FeelingHopeful]

How are you doing ontar?

[ontar]

Not good. Not good at all. I can't stand this. I'm so sad. I don't know what to do. Everything is so ****ing horrible. I want to disappear.

[BNLsMOM]

Please be safe. Do you have someone you feel comfortable calling?

[Anneinside]

dj586858, it seems strange and wrong that a pdoc and therapist would refuse to see you if you cut. I wonder what their rationale is. I am glad you are not cutting now. I used to cut too and haven't done it in years.

Ontar, I know that cutting can be very seductive but one thing I did was stop going to the place where I used to cut.

[dj586858]

Anneinside, I guess they think saying they won't see a patient who chooses to cut will keep them from doing it. As much as I love both of them, I disagree. It will just cause a patient who does cut to start being dishonest with them which interferes with treatment. I think a person who can't cope without cutting needs their help even more. I am thankful that I don't do that anymore even though I still have the razors. I totally remember the feeling though.

[ontar]

No, I don't have anyone.