All of this.....is just too hard.

Being in control....at all times.....is just way too hard. Because that 1st slip up, leads to spiraling out of control.

Why is it so hard to be in full control of your emotions without constantly reminding yourself what to do/not do, how to take that comment someone just made, the feeling of being overwhelmed and there's nothing you can do about it, being paranoid about if the people whispering a few cubicles away are talking about you, always looking for approval from anybody since your mother will never approve of anything you do, the thoughts that since you can't handle your emotions, how can you handle a stressful job and not start knifing people....the list goes on.

Then to top off the day yesterday in a most excellent way, I went to see my psych, and told her that I wasn't doing well and pretty much everything listed above, and all she told me to do was talk to my therapist and to work on boundaries. I also informed her about erratic sleeping patterns (m-4hr, t-10hr, w-6hr, t-11hr, f-3hr, s-15hr) and how I'm always tired, but she really didn't say anything about it. I'm thinking I need to schedule my appointments a little earlier in the day, since my appt was at 4:45, but I didn't see her until 5:15, and they close at 5:00. I kinda felt rushed.

Then my husband comes home around 7:30, sits down, and automatically turns on Star Trek Online, and I just ask him if he would like to watch something, and then he gets all defensive, which then leads to him being angry with me, and then going to bed....and when he woke up this morning he was still angry....and when I got home this afternoon, he was still angry.

SO...I made him talk about it, and he said I was being passive aggressive, so I informed him how I really felt like not being on the planet anymore last night and that his actions did not help it. At least he's talking to me again.

You do have a lot on your plate. If it means anything, I've always admired how you are able to have such a hard job and cope with it so well. I wish I were as brave and together as you. I know you don't feel together, but you certainly pretend well.

I have no suggestions, but just wanted you to know that even though you feel like you are failing, I think you're doing an awesome job!

Thanks for the compliment.

I think by just getting this off my chest, I feel a little better.

I just have to remind myself that nobody can be perfect 100% of the time. Everybody has some kind of flaw, its just that you need to find how to use it in your favor.

I agree with Perpetuallysad - you have a lot on your plate. I think you mentioned a key point about your mom - since you don't feel approval from her, this is why you worry how others are percieving you. Even though I don't work, I am a stay at home mother of 2 girls and sometimes I feel like my head is spinning - trying to remember everything.

One tip I wanted to offer regarding your hubby. You said he turned on Star Trek online as soon as he came home. I think it would be good if you could happily let him have some time to himself, when he first comes home. Most men and working women need time to unwind - the difference is, women like to talk about their day usually and men like it be quiet for a bit. I also recommend some quiet time for yourself, in the morning or after work(or both if you have the time) - where you sit in silence and do slow deep breathing exercises. Think of this time as your 'peaceful time' - during this time don't won't worry about anything and just concentrate on calming your body and mind. Set aside time everyday and see if this makes you feel a little better. Best of luck.

Usually he gets home earlier than me, so it's not that much of an issue. Then we do our seperate things until around 7:30 (since I have to watch Family Fued and Wheel of Fortune ). The other night was an exception to what usually goes on, and I'm pretty sure he brought his crappy mood home with him, because he had to go do some photography for his mom, and she told him she would give him gas money (since where he had to go was 2 hrs away) but all she gave him was $7. That's not quite enough to cover gas.

So yeah, don't watch episode of 6 of season 3 of Battlestar Galactica alone.....

you might get a strong urge to cut your hair with a knife.

Just don't act on it......

In other news I have a nice new short haircut, that I'm sure will not look like a hack job at all.