I left the house...alone

I did it today - this morning I left the house with my 2 dogs to take them to the groomers. I usually have my husband go with me but this time I had to go alone. I dropped them off and then drove around for an hour before going back to pick them up. I'm still shaking and it was over 4 hours ago that I got home.
Then I had to go to the Post Office alone to mail a book to a friend in Canada (it's a book for her Father), and I was shaking and my voice was low and shaking.... I had to buy an envelope and make out a special form for a package going outside of the US - I was almost in tears when I got home. Maybe that's why I'm still shaking - that was only 2 hours ago. Now I'm so tired and shakey... I just want to go to sleep. I hate leaving my house - I hate it!! I get so scared and there is nothing to be afraid of so they tell me... I try to avoid people at all costs. I never know what to say, I look at my feet or the floor and mumble. I can't even do my scrapbooks anymore because I have to talk to the people I did them for.... I just can't do it!!!! WHY????!!!! If I take my Xanex, then I can't function - I just get really sleepy.

Anyway - I did it, I went way outside my comfort zone. And I'm not going to do it again for a really long time!! I'll learn to cut my dogs hair myself if I have to. He's all white and fluffy....really fluffy now after his bath and comb out. He had to have his fanny, face, and feet (claws) done. Both dogs are as worn out as I am! LOL

I think I'm so stressed that I'm rambling so I'll go now. I don't feel good that I made it out of the house - Shouldn't I feel good that I did these things all on my own? Instead I feel dread, shaky and tired.

I'm proud of you for doing something so hard. I completely understand your feelings. I am very much the same about leaving the house. The only thing I do differently is that because I am so nervous, if someone talks to me, I get all loud and cannot stop myself from saying stupid things. I get the shakey part too. Thankfully though, my xanax doesn't make me terribly sleepy, so I usually take that before I have to go out.

Anyhow, I am proud of you. Now take some time to recover.

It is so good that you faced your fears and went out alone. Don't give up .. try it again. I was a professor at a university and started having panic attacks when teaching and had to go on disability. Even going to the university put me into a panic attack. Finally, there was a course I wanted to take at a community college. I went and when I went into the room I started having a panic attack. I stayed. Every time I went to the class it got better and better. Now I am just a bit anxious in a classroom. I don't think I can go back to teaching but I could take another course. It gets better.

I think that's sensational Sweety, I really do. You need to hold for a minute and give yourself a pat on the back. And yes, just rest now and let it all hang out - you don't have to "perform" for strangers right now. And I was thinking, maybe now your doggy is all spruced up, when you've had a big sleep and get up next morning - give yourself a big spruce up yourself, maybe put on some clothes you usually would do just being at home, maybe haor and makeup - it can just give us a positive shake-up to do that.

Thank you everyone for the support. I really appreciate it.

What do you do to relax yourself once you get home? Do you do anything to reward yourself for taking that leap to go outside?

I don't really do anything to relax - I'm just always tense and afraid of not having a clean enough house or having the wash done. I lost my job due to my illness and am trying to get SSDI, so just my husband works and he expects me to have all these things done, and have supper going by the time he gets home from work. He rarely looses his tempter, but when he does....I feel like killing myself. He makes me feel about 1" tall and makes me feel totally worthless and unuseful. Thank God it rarely happens. The last time he did that to me I emptied all my pill bottles and all the sleeping pills I had in the house. My mini dachshund saved my life by getting him out of bed and he found me in time to get me to the hospital - I don't remember much of what happened. He just wanted to make sure no one knew what happened.... hush hush.... But he's become more supportive since then. But I'm still afraid of him.

Hey Bashful one, I'm sorry that your husband periodically does this and the terrible affect it has on you. I dare say his "hush hush" approach to that terrible episode had a lot to do with his guilt about contributing to the situatin and fear for beig "outed" for such behaviour. One thing though, in my experience with family, friends, employers and others, they don't even have the conscience to be ashamed of that type of treatment and as it relates to someone with life-threatening mental illness as they believe it is open season with someone with mental illness, so strangley, at least he has the conscience to be ashamed.

I have my own issues with the agression of men. My Dad was a violent, aggressive, abusive and neglectful alcoholic. After he drank himself to death, Mum married another alcoholic and it all happened all over again. I have three brothers, all a fair bit older than me and they are all extremely aggressive and sometime passive aggressive (sometimes I prefer the all-out aggression as at least I know excatly where they are coming from, but passive agression is much more slippery and insidious). Two out of three are definitely alcoholics and the third probably will turn out to be over time. They have also had decades of some version of unaddressed mental illness. I had to make a permanent separation from them in December, after years of trying to adjust myself to them and their issues, and I no longer have the will or the energy to keep trying to do that.

I have also invited a lot of male alcoholic/addict aggression into my life myself because of the passage of my alcoholism, which was arressted 11 years ago when I got sober and have stayed sober since in AA. But the degradation, physical and sexual abuse I endured during 18 years of blackout drinking commencing from 14 years of age until 32 years of age whan I got sober has taken me a long time to recover from. I am fortunate because as soon as I got sober I had MUCH better boundaries with men and I haven't kept contributing to my own problems in that part of life.

I am quite an assertive person genuinely, but I still have problems sticking up for myself with male alcoholics at times. There is this one guy at my AA meetings here in town who physically corners me during the break in the middle of the meeting, and at the end of meetings and he lectures me on all sorts of things which are none of his business, including what medication he thinks I should or shouldn't take and the last time was an all time low when he instructed me I should get ECT becuase it helped him. It's Sooooo none of his business and completely against AA philosophy to give advice like this. I told him over and over that that was between me and my psychistrist but it's like I'm not even speaking - he just keeps talking. I know I need to bring it to a head - and be more assertive, but it genuinely is difficult becuase AA is so tiny here in this town and if I speak up to him I have to look directly into his face in the meeting twice a week, every week - there's no diffusing things by going somewhere else for a while.

I'm sorry for rambling, but you touched a spot with me I guess and I know that women with terrible childhood experiences, mental illness and or substance abuse hisrories often have similar experiences.

Bashful, you did beautifully. You may be shaking but you did it. I agree with the poster who said you should reward yourself. You deserve it. It's not easy to face your fears but you did and you did a great job of it, too.

Bashfull, you did well. We will do things for our animals even if we won't do them for ourselves.

I also had several years of not going out...it was also severe anxiety particularly the fear of meeting someone I knew and being 'judged'.

I had a therapist who really helped (awesome guy) and I also found Lexapro and Neurontin (Gabapentin) helpful on an ongoing basis. After a while I have been somewhat desensitized from some of my fears.

Wendy, it is so interesting what you say about suffering childhood abuse. It seems to send your nervous system out of whack.

hi bashfull, i can understand the ANXIETY you faced, but YOU DID IT!! i like having my husband do the errands that envolve being in public, and have to sometimes deal with the hostility he has to "shoulder" everything, because "whats hard about going to the store?" i want to rip his head off, its hard when the spouse doesnt understand the physical and mental toll it takes on us. happy you overcame it, im sure that IS PROGRESS and thats what is important. take care

Congrats on doing something so difficult. I know how hard it is. I measure the severity of my symptoms by guaging how difficult it is to get out of the house.

It's a good step. Don't stress about the next time. Just know that there will be a next time and even if it doesn't feel easier, it chips away some of the stress. Also don't beat yourself up if there are days (or weeks) that you can't get out. Those happen too.

Congrats.