[phlashback]

So it has been a while since I last posted.

As I am sure most of us know, depression can make you feel worthless and as if you are a sub par human. I felt guilty, and unlovable. I never thought that I could be found interesting or attractive.

This self image has long prevented me from pursuing relationships. I would miss the flirtations of women, or discount them completely. I would long to talk to the woman standing on the other side of the room looking in my direction, and shutdown inside. I essentially built a wall around myself. On the rare condition in which I would meet someone, I would convince myself that they were just being nice talking to me.

Last week Monday, I decided that I was not going to worry about a relationship with another, and try to love myself. So there it was, I gave up on women, and struggled with forgiving myself for my mistakes, and accepting who I am. This is far more difficult than it sounds, but it was a step in a direction.

So Friday comes about. I went to get my morning coffee at work as usual, however for some reason I did not bother to walk with someone and ventured on my own. What happened next destroyed some of my more damaging self assumptions. Out of the corner of my eye I notice an attractive woman waving to someone. I look around and realized that she was waving to me.

She did seem familiar, and she thought she knew me from somewhere. What happened next is where the world turned inside out. She asked me when we were going to hang out. I was dumbstruck. She then gave me her number, and gave me a tickle on the side. With that she walked away with a smile.

Not wanting to seem desperate I did not call Friday, and Saturday was being spent with the boys so I did not call then either. Truth be told, I feared that she would not answer the phone, and realize her mistake in approaching me.

My brother convinced me to make the call on Sunday, and I did. I got the voicemail, and my heart sank. I left a message and went on with my day. The moment I began the typical negative self talk, the phone rang.

She asked what I was doing, and when I replied “no plans at the moment”. About one hour later we got together. We talked, and realized we had a lot in common. So now I have a second date for Wednesday.

She is younger than me, about the same difference between my parents. So this is something that I guess does not matter all that much. At this point I am going to take it as it comes, and not allow myself to over think, but rather just live.

I lost, or rather gained two things due to this meeting. One, I realized that I could be attractive to another. Two, good things can happen to me.

I have never felt like this before. I enjoyed the sensation of her touch and tickle, which is specifically intriguing as I have always felt pain when being touched. I feel energized and wanted… without being high on mania.

I wanted to have this as a message of hope to all of the people in the darkness. I truly know what it is, and want you to know that the light does still exist. Things work is strange ways as I have discovered. When you least expect life can change it does. There is happiness and hope. I can even now see the possibilities for a better future.

Hang in there, and learn to accept yourself for who you are. I am still bi-polar and that is ok.

[acw56]

Thank you for such an encouraging post. It's nice to have a success story. I know how it feels to know that no one loves you, and that the people you already know are just pitying you or something. It's different when you get that affection from a total stranger, then there's no question you're likable, because there's no other reason (like guilt or pity or sense of obligation) for that stranger to show his or her affection.

Originally Posted by phlashback

I wanted to have this as a message of hope to all of the people in the darkness. I truly know what it is, and want you to know that the light does still exist. Things work is strange ways as I have discovered. When you least expect life can change it does. There is happiness and hope. I can even now see the possibilities for a better future.

How cool for you, phlashback!!! Yea!!! Your post rings soooo true for me, and I just wanted to second it. The warp depression puts on one's thinking, the absolute certainty and the perceived everlastingness it convinces us of feels so absolute. (Personally, I think this is the hardest --even impossible -- thing to convey to those who haven't experienced it).

As another story as additional evidence of the truth of your own story...I was there, in depression, yet again, not the worst and yet still prepared, planned and so utterly convinced of the inevitability and rightness of... well, you know. Not at that moment, but the near future. So.... looking? Hardly.

Enter the most unlikely set of circumstance. If anyone had suggested even the possibility of where I find myself now, I'd have thought they were, at the kindest, utterly ridiculous. I'd even have been pissed at their obvious *not getting it* and pollyanna-ism. And then... someone sent a couple of emails. I only knew this person from a couple of business dealings. I wrote back, it was pleasant, you know, but nothing you'd think anything of. Well, a few more emails. It started to become obvious that we had a ton in common. More emails, more in common. This was getting interesting. Yet this person didn't even live in the same state and I'd never met them IRL. It just seemed so crazy, but I was becoming downright smitten. Even if only as friends. But...maybe because of my earlier plans (though that didn't occur to me at the time), I figured WTH, there's nothing to lose and, dare it be possible? -- something to gain. So arranged a meeting. It was either the craziest thing I'd ever done (lots of competition there(!)) or the best. Maybe both. Got on fantastically. Long story short(ish!), we are now living together and I don't think I've ever felt like this. Things I thought would never ever be... passion, real fun, even giving a flip or that *anything* good had even the possibility of ever happening to me... Boy was I ever wrong.

So just like phlashback said, it really *is* true, and can happen when you very least expect. Even having given up on expectation altogether. Even when you think it's the most patently ridulous pollyanna-ish thing you've ever heard. Even if you are a cynical sort (yeah, me), it *is* true.

Thanks so much for your post, phlashback. It's such a reminder that positive possibities exist, even when we don't believe in them. It's good to have these stories somewhere in our consciousnesses. We need them. More than so-called "normal" people can even imagine.

[phlashback]

Just as I began to feel things were moving in a better direction. I have been cancled on. I really hope that I am just bieng paranoid, and she is actually sick... kind of hard to know via text message.

Oh well trying to keep my head up, but I would be lying if I said that I was ok. It feels like I have been punched in the chest, and then had my head striken with a bat.

phlashback! Try not to worry too much (I know, easier said than done). Is there something you might do today to help keep your mind off it?
Despite the gladness of my above post, I've been starting to spiral lately (dang this brain wiring doing its own thing!). I've tried watching some funny things on Hulu and today am going to see Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland. Only temporary relief from rumination, but better than none. Will be moving Saturday, so hopefully busy enough to keep some of it at bay, but I *really* don't need a spiral starting a new life in a new city...
Wishing you the best. A lot of people do get sick with weather shifts, so... something to keep in mind that I hope helps...

[phlashback]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

phlashback! Try not to worry too much (I know, easier said than done). Is there something you might do today to help keep your mind off it?
Despite the gladness of my above post, I've been starting to spiral lately (dang this brain wiring doing its own thing!). I've tried watching some funny things on Hulu and today am going to see Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland. Only temporary relief from rumination, but better than none. Will be moving Saturday, so hopefully busy enough to keep some of it at bay, but I *really* don't need a spiral starting a new life in a new city...
Wishing you the best. A lot of people do get sick with weather shifts, so... something to keep in mind that I hope helps...

Thank you, and working in a hospital, I am well aware of that. It is my self doubt that keeps trying to push me down. I am just not sure what to belive at the moment.

As far as doing something, I am going to go a hockey game... I did pay for the tickets afterall. I am just tiered of being alone, even when I am with people.

However right now the sun is shining outside, but the clouds are gathering on the inside.

I am trying to find peace in music at the moment. Right now I am listening to Trey Anastasio's "Let Me Lie", and feeling like the song was written for me.

[phlashback]

So I called her today, and we planned to meet at the semi-pro hockey game (I have season tickets), as it was her brothers birthday party. She ends up sitting one section over and one row down, close enough that we could have been the same party.

When she gets there she runs up and gives me a big hug, and then introduces me to everyone. The game starts and I went to my seat. First period ends and I go back to socialize (big deal for me).

There is someone sitting next to her now, that could have been family he looked older than me. They have an extra seat, due to someone leaving so I choose to sit with them. As I am taking my new seat, she introduces me to Tim... her boyfriend.

My anxiety levels were much lower today, and my mind was in a better place with my brain having slowed down a bit. I tuned my welbutrin today down to 300 from 450. However last night i took two xanax and slept a full night waking up refreshed for once.

I played it cool, and did not seem to show to much disappointment. We parted ways with a hug at the end of the game. So at this point, it looks like just friend as I really do not want to be the other guy if that was her intention.

I am handling it well, and had a friend to listen to what I had to say offering support. I decided with my supports input to call her tomorrow. I am not sure how yet, but better convey what I am really looking for. I am willing to have a new just friends relationship if for nothing more than to expand my network. It wouldn't hurt to have a female friend. However I do owe it to myself to settle the matter.

My intentions are not to interfere with a relationship, but to have a real relationship. I will take it as it goes, and hope I keep the current calm that I am feeling.