Bipolar Space?

Just wondering when someone is going through bp depression stages how much space do you give them to be alone? I know they want to withdraw but reading info about bp, i read that its not the right thing to give them too much space? Whats a right amt of time? A Day , 2 days??

I think a lot of that depends on the person and your relationship with them. I can tell you what helps me. I do tend to withdraw, and I don't like someone to be after me all the time asking how I'm doing. If I do tell someone I'm depressed and want to be alone, I prefer it when someone says "I'm here if you need anything, just let me know if I can help in any way. If you feel up to having company just to chat or to watch tv or anything, let me know." After that, for me, it's nice if they call me like every other day and, again, instead of "how are you feeling?" (I feel pressured when I'm asked that all the time and I tend to say I'm fine even if I'm not; again, this is just me) It's nice if they ask something like "So, what have you been up to? Would you like to go out for a cup of coffee or have some company?" Like I said, everyone is different, and this is just what helps me the most. I hope it is of some help to you though!

Grizmom you hit the nail on the head!

When in a deep depression, I *want* to be alone. What I need is not always that, as loneliness feeds the problem. I ultimatly enjoy when people come around, but do not dwell on the depression, or try to make it better. What really helps is when people listen, and do not judge or try to offer suggestions.

Once again it does depend on your relationship to the person.. for example my brother can be a bit more pushy, but he also knows when to back off.. or just give a hug.

Sometimes it helps just knowing that someone wants you around.

I have had to help my husband understand that when I withdraw, it is not that I don't want him around; it's just that I need that space around me as a barrier. It helps when he asks if I need anything or tells me he loves me but he has learned that I don't want to be bothered by anyone or anything. It was hard for him not to take it personal but through some good conversations, he has been more accepting of my strange ways. I am grateful every day for him. Keep the faith.

I agree with GrizMom.

Personally, I'm not much of a people person to begin with. I'm good when it's just me, my laptop, and my cat. Truly. When I'm feeling social, I make plans. When I don't, no one takes it personally.

Thank you guys, I think he just wants to be left alone which i do, I guess i just worry is too much space damaging also? I read somewhere that it can be, I figured that maybe i could give space by not crowding him, but drop a email or a text every other day just saying im im here if you need anything, like grizmom said. I just dont ever wanna be pushy, i just want him to know i care.

I think you are doing the right thing. Someone sent me this link which I found helpful. I read the tutorial on bipolar and it talks a lot about how to support someone who is in an episode.

http://www.camh.net/mha101/

Turn off you pop up blocker to read the tutorials.

Thank you BLNsMom, The encouragement from you and everyone, Thanks Guys!! means more than you know and helps me gain more strength everyday. Going to look now!

Blnsmom, That tutorial was wonderful, very informative! Thank you so much!!!!!!!

grizmom and everyone else have said it so well - I couldn't have said it better. But just one more thing. Bipolar, and for me Panic and Anxiety Disorders, which most beepers have too, is a disease for life - even though within our lives we can make enormous strides. I say that because a person (as I have done) may turn back social offers again and again, and its simply because they do not have the functionality to participate, even in a conversation, rather than them not wanting contact, not loving you etc. So what I would have loved to have happened in my life is that people would have had the generosity of spirit to give me a chance in the Long Haul, rather than to cut me off after I have turned back several invitations (and one of these was my sister in law, who is a clinical psychologist). This is an illness that took me nearly to my death, so it is not, obviously, a slight or an offence when I turn back social invitations when one is dealing with a genuinely life-threatening illness, when one of its manifestations is the lack of functionality to participate socially. And of course in the Long Haul, what we really need are committed caring individuals in a social support network. You have so much to offer your Bipolar fiends.

I loved what someone said about making "TV dates", or simply a cuppa coffee or tea. That is the less pressured end of the social spectrum than going out for dinner in a pub or restaurant, or even for dinner at someone's house, which is even more pressured - its their turf, there can be children and intense interactions between parents and kids. Or go to the flicks togther, where there is chitchat before and after, but much less pressure to "perform" socially.

Thank you, on behalf of Bipolar people for asking these questions - you should be cloned. I have had non of the above in my relationships with family and friends - all of those relatiionships have disintegrated due to my illnesses and I have also had to turn some family away who won't get help for their own addictions or mental illnesses. It is profoundly lonely and isolating.

Aww Wendy Aussie! Saying i should be cloned is the nicest compliment ever! Thank You!!! Im so sorry your relationships distenegrated , I Think when you care and love someone be it family / friend/ significant other/ relatives , whoever it is YOUR JOB AND RESPONSIBLILITY To learn about the illness , inform yourself and learn how to be there for the person and how to help in a way thats beneficial and helping your loved one, I dont understand how people can walk away or be turned off from the stupid stigma society places on it. Its an illness just like cancer is, Would someone walk away from their loved one battling cancer? No! They would help , get them treatments, do all they could, The same should be done for someone struggling with a mental illness, Its a ILLNESS!! Their your loved one, How could you not want to help, The older I get , the more society confuses me! I get frustrated by people who give in to the stigma. I think if people educated themselves on it, there would be less stigma. I have a friend who I think may struggle with this who means the world to me, So Im sorry if i sound hyper lol, This is so important to me, Thank you for your post, I learned so much by it esp the socialization part, Big hug to you!

Yes, the stigma in action and the resulting isolation can sadly be part of the reason people attempt or succed at suicide, and then in my case, after 5 days in a coma and many many amazing medical iterventions to save me, the closest people to me in my life were the ones who came at me with either bare naked aggression, or passive aggression - and this commeneced in the first 72 hours when a person with a serious suicide intent (which I was) is most likely to try again. I've been sober in AA for 11 years on top of my mental illnesses and here I was in hospital, having just skirted death just so closely, having to use my assertiveness skills I'd learnt in AA to protect myself when I was just out of a coma!!

I have compassion for what people went through while I was in the coma and repeatedly nearly dying, but hey, I think it's a bit much that they couldn't control themselves enough to not let their aggression spill over onto me. That was two years ago and I have made many efforts to build my relationships with immediate and extended family, but it's all been for nought. My unrequited efforts have brought great suffering onto me and finally I had to take responsibility for pursuing "unrequited love" and made a formal and permanent separation from immediate and extended family. It's a very sad thing, but it makes no difference to the material nature of my daily life, as none of them have been in my life, thus preventing me supporting them and them supporting me.

But I have come to learn my responsibility in all those dynamics - I have been delusional for years about my family relationships, precieving love when it wasn't there. And I looked up delusion and found this great phrase for what you get out of being in a delusion and it's called "deceptive calm". ie, in this case I felt loved, even though I wasn't loved - but it wasn't doing me any good because it wasn't true. It's hard to go from a delusional state to a realistic one - but it's the only way.

I hope more campaigns happen in Australia to fight stigma (elsewhere too but I can't comment on campaigns in other countries). Beyond Blue's campaigns have seem to make it more 'acceptable' to see a GP about depression but the negative I've notice among at least in the age group (18-24yr old) is they now have this, 'Oh yeah, depression is real, but a doctor gives you a pill and it's fine again.' So those that didn't see depression as an actual illness, are starting to now but they still can't 'accept' that is really can disable some people for life. So people are starting to become more educated but we have a long way to go.

I also feel that political correctness makes dealing with stigma harder. In one hand, it protects a group but at the same time, it makes a topic and certain words 'taboo'. We need everyone to feel comfortable to discuss MI freely and that includes the 'scary' parts. Some people around me know MI is real and how serious it can be, but because they've been fine tuned to be careful of terms/topics, they self censor. So in a setting where say, a person suffering from a MI is talking to a friend, the friend may not want to use terms like 'psychotic episode', 'suicidal feelings' etc even when they know the other person is comfortable with it. Instead, they use other ways to sugar coat the real meaning, so the discussion is more hidden messages than open discussion.

So it's made everyone, those suffering from MI and the non-suffers, to have fear in starting a discussion. I think it also makes the terms like 'psychotic' more negative, and I think for some people that suffer, having these terms be 'taboo' also means when they hear it, it hits heavier, it's taken more personally. It hard not to take the many insults out there personally, but taking them on board means we're enabling the ignorant people that use them.

I feel, obviously it varies depending on the situation, that if someone, whether they're being an a-hole or not, goes "So you're crazy!", we shouldn't go on the defensive, "Don't call me things!" rant and instead go, "Sure am! but I think we're defining that term differently, here's why....". Don't take the ignorant people seriously and never take their crap personally. Instead, attempt to positively push information into them.

If they are using terms/statements like 'crazy', 'take your meds' etc the easiest way to disarm them of their ammo and to surprise them is to not take it to heart and to use humor (hell, even sarcasm in moderation. I think to use sarcasm when I'm angry to hide to rage more :P). The minute you turn around and go, "Actually, I did take my meds. I bet I know more about how they work on my brain then you do! Tell me what you know?.... nothing? Hmmm, and you say my brain is the empty one."

Obviously, it's hard to take an ignorant person head on like this but my general thoughts are - They don't 'own' the knowledge or the terms, *you* do. You have the upper hand, take advantage of it when you have a chance, be positive and either the person will have gain knowledge or at least will learn to STFU. ;-)

I've been going through this myself with my BP girlfriend and it's been quite the rollercoaster.

She went through an episode 6 weeks ago now and asked for 'a break' and 'space'. Having always done - and having done more research re bipolar - I gave her this time. She admitted she hadn't seen her pdoc in 6 months and I tried to suggest it was time to make an appointment.

A week later she called me to see how I was doing and we had a good chat. She admitted she still hadn't seen her pdoc.

I rang her a week later again and again, and during our conversation I asked if she had seen her pdoc - she said no and later sent me an email accusing me of turning the conversation back on her bipolar. She was annoyed with me and admitted she knew she had patterns of breaking up and didn't know why she did this and said she had to 'go away and think about things'. I probably should have been more careful and I apologised if I offended her.

2 weeks passed and she called out of the blue and wanted to let me know she was seeing her pdoc again. I told her this was great and expressed my support for her. She later sent me a text and finished it with a kiss.

Finally - we ran in to each other last week. I was just happy to wave and keep on walking however she ran after me and wanted to say hello. We had a nice light chat and she asked if I wanted to catch up for a coffee next week. Which surprised me greatly!

Is this her opening up to me more? Has this 'space' been on benefit? I still worry about her when we're not in contact and I have been in a huge amount of pain - but as I know she is suffering more - and there is no way I can walk away from her.

Any help much appreciated,

Kind regards, Nick

When I'm low I tend to switch on my music and plug in my iPod to be in my own world. The irony, when I am at my lowest, I actually do want to talk, but I make it very clear to the person who I feel I can trust. At my LOWEST, I feel like I can crack and burst into tears.
But people going through real depression don't appreciate hearing "how are you" when it's quite obvious. Just having someone around can be comforting

Hi Nick! I remember you posted about this...I'm glad she decided to start seeing her pdoc again!!! It sounds like you did the right thing, imho. I do hope she stays in treatment and finds a medication combo that works for her.

Take care!