Severe Bipolar plus.....
never ending list of diagnosis's - pooh

Before the holidays.
Financial situations due to the economy.
From deaths of siblings.
LOST relationship that had just been found from long ago.
Medication changes still don't work

Called Doctor to be treated less than

Exited house maybe twice in months.
My roommate is unemployed - doesn't mind running all over. Be better if they got a job.

Never leave my room.

Have plenty of Movies queued on Hulu and DVR t.v. recorder.

There is nothing inside me.
I am dead.

My cheeks to heavy to lift my lips into a smile.
It remains over - end, is dead.

No matter, praying, saying, chatting, talking, sharing, comparing -
Diminishing into nothing.

I am in the nothingness.

I am a vapor of smog.

Smothering from the fog.

So heavy it holds me to the bed.

No motivation to even eat.

I exercise in a zombie mind, until the timer goes off.

P.J.'s have become my wardrobe.

The phone rings - Though I answer - I don't remember it had even rang. Had conversations that later had to confirm were real.

Dreams are vivid to the point that I think I've already completed a task or finished a conversation.

Days go by - I knew not - Didn't matter - I've nothing pending.

My bipolar is almost usually on the HYPE side. Obviously not now.

This down side - could kill me. Breathe to exist. Exist - 'this too shall pass''

No pretty words, no up lifting thoughts, no gets better, hang in there.....

All of choice. Out of reach, far beyond the only passing that is fog.

The only choice I make is to not make.

Smog is my Halo.

[thinker22]

I know the feeling. I was that depressed in December and January. My pj's are still my uniform when I'm at home. I don't want to go out. I have tons of movies I could watch and books I could read, but nothing gives me pleasure. I am bored with killing time each day. I want to be productive but just can't focus. I get drowsy and have to rest. My medications keep me from severe depression, but cause physical problems. I too wonder if there's no combo for me that will help long term.

Thanks for sharing. It makes me feel not so alone in these feelings of gloom. But you're right. If we look through our lives and episodes, it can't last forever. It just feels that way right now. We'll make it somehow. We always do.

Originally Posted by starlite*111

Severe Bipolar plus.....
never ending list of diagnosis's - pooh

Before the holidays.
Financial situations due to the economy.
From deaths of siblings.
LOST relationship that had just been found from long ago.
Medication changes still don't work

Called Doctor to be treated less than

Exited house maybe twice in months.
My roommate is unemployed - doesn't mind running all over. Be better if they got a job.

Never leave my room.

Have plenty of Movies queued on Hulu and DVR t.v. recorder.

There is nothing inside me.
I am dead.

My cheeks to heavy to lift my lips into a smile.
It remains over - end, is dead.

No matter, praying, saying, chatting, talking, sharing, comparing -
Diminishing into nothing.

I am in the nothingness.

I am a vapor of smog.

Smothering from the fog.

So heavy it holds me to the bed.

No motivation to even eat.

I exercise in a zombie mind, until the timer goes off.

P.J.'s have become my wardrobe.

The phone rings - Though I answer - I don't remember it had even rang. Had conversations that later had to confirm were real.

Dreams are vivid to the point that I think I've already completed a task or finished a conversation.

Days go by - I knew not - Didn't matter - I've nothing pending.

My bipolar is almost usually on the HYPE side. Obviously not now.

This down side - could kill me. Breathe to exist. Exist - 'this too shall pass''

No pretty words, no up lifting thoughts, no gets better, hang in there.....

All of choice. Out of reach, far beyond the only passing that is fog.

The only choice I make is to not make.

Smog is my Halo.

This isolation/ihbernation is'nt so bad

[leah0306]

((((starlite)))) wanted to send you hugs and remind you that this crap doesnt last, dont give up hope take care

[mamaJenof5]

I know where you are at...so many times before I have been there, I too wear my pj's all day sometimes for two days I hate to get up and I hate to leave the house but my life (and children) force me to do it. So I take them to school and then I come home to do nothing because I am so tired its all I can do to be on the computer and watch my one year old. I sit in a dream al day b/c my dreams are easier to live. my reality is one of a woman who can't live a normal life and hates herself and the world. I try to be what everyone needs but I'M TIRED!

Originally Posted by mamaJenof5

I know where you are at...so many times before I have been there, I too wear my pj's all day sometimes for two days I hate to get up and I hate to leave the house but my life (and children) force me to do it. So I take them to school and then I come home to do nothing because I am so tired its all I can do to be on the computer and watch my one year old. I sit in a dream al day b/c my dreams are easier to live. my reality is one of a woman who can't live a normal life and hates herself and the world. I try to be what everyone needs but I'M TIRED!

Thank you for taking time to write me. It is hard to reach out to others, when we are in the same situation.... and to boot.... you have little children to tend to.
Much kindness and strength I send to you - Thank you

Originally Posted by leah0306

((((starlite)))) wanted to send you hugs and remind you that this crap doesnt last, dont give up hope take care

Thank you so.... This stuff "this to shall pass" just doesn't pass fast enough..........

[WendyAussie]

starlite, I am very glad you posted. I have been where you are at, exactly in every way. I had tended to Hypo for a long time and then that changed because meds I was on ended up making me sicker. And starlite, it didn't end well. I came so close to dying through my own actions that you just don;t get any closer.

I am telling you the brutal facts because I think you are in great danger. Bugger whether the psychiatrist is helping you - call him/her again and tell them excatly how sick you are. If you can get no joy, call a crisis line and ask for help/options. If that doesn't work, go to the ER and ask for help. It is time to stop all this. Don;t worry about what anyone thinks of you - just keep asking for help until you get it. I had to nearly die to get the attention of my psychiatrist and I don't want that to happen to you. I could have written exactly what you wrote before I tried to end my life in a 100% serious way.

[phlashback]

Starlite,

I do know the feelings you express, and I hope that you seek help. I know it can be hard to get people to listen. We are all here for you. I have just made a call to see about getting a new therapist, and it took alot to do that.

Take care of yourself please, and if you ever need to talk say the word. I keep telling myself the darkness will fade, and I have faith that it will... My cycles alwasys come to an end, and so will yours.

Thank you for .... for just ... thinking about me

[pondbc]

Starlite, so sorry you are going through all this pain. If you are staying home in your PJs, then you know you are not feeling well. Don't be too hard on yourself. Just do the best you can for this evening and try not to judge yourself. Feel better soon.

[ruffy]

Starlite,
I admire your willingness to share whats common in all of us. I have felt, and feel everything you wrote.