OMG Trigger (sexual content)

I swear, my husband just had cyber sex on his laptop across the room from me.

WTF?

Let's just say that the motion under a blanket is unmistakable. He was making "the face." I didn't know what to do, so I pretended I didn't notice. I was going to ask him, jokingly, if he was having convulsions, but I was too afraid to.

WTF?

He just went up to bed. I can't go up there.

I am seriously losing my grasp. I am going to really lose it soon.

(((BNLsMOM))) - I'm sorry you're in this difficult and awkward situation. Do you know if he looks at porn? Is this a laptop that you use as well - so you could search recent history? Many men do look at porn and self satisfy - some women don't mind and others consider it a form of cheating.

The best way to approach this, is calmly. If you use anger or corner him - he'll either lie or get very angry so you'll back off. He'll automatically become defensive if you approach him with anger. Take some deep breaths and think before you act or say anything. This needs to be handled delicately in order to get a straight answer.

HE DID WHAT? Oh you definitely have the right to confront him. That's awful. Geeze. I'm sorry, BNLsMOM.
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I was answering this at the same time as you, Lynn...Anyhow, I don't mind masturbation in the least bit and I honestly don't mind porn, but to do it in front of her without acknowledging it is weird and THAT would hurt me. That I was right there, yet he chose to exclude me from something like that, or at least that he didn't have the courtesy to go in another room if he didn't want to include me.

I don't think I am going to say anything to him.

It is a laptop that he uses for work, so I don't have access to it. Also, he password protects it so I wouldn't be able to get in anyway.

Yes, I was trying to figure out how to say what bothers me about it.
I will add that we were in a couple's session today and one of our issues is a lack of intimacy. I wouldn't mind if he wanted to share with me what works for him, or include me, but to just be so open, but at the same time so secretive weirds me out. He is my husband for goodness sake, not my college roommate who has to hide under a blanket.

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I completely agree. I was in no way defending him that's for sure. It's certainly nervy to do it when BNL was in the room - at least be discreet for goodness sake!!

I just know from answering posts like this before - when the partner tries to open the conversation, it's better to approach it calmly.

I don't think it is anything that I could ever talk about with him. I don't even think I could bring it up in therapy.

I feel like it alienates us from one another even more.

I think that if he was doing it right in front of you it shows he has a serious problem. I have heard that internet porn can be extremely addicting--that it does something to your brain that causes it to release all of these "feel good" chemicals. Internet porn is supposed to be much more addictive than movies, magazines, etc.
Sorry to hear you are going through this. Even though ou don't want to, you probably should say something to him--he has a real addiction and needs help--without it things wll probably get worse...
Take care~

I jsut don't htink I can talk about it. I have seen things over our years together that make me think he has an addiction, and I have brought up gently that such and such makes me uncomfortable, etc, and I would like to talk about it. He gets very uncomfortable, and won't really talk much and acts like he is a kid beling lectured.

I just can't handle being the "adult" all the time. I am trying to work on my own healing.

You know, before this happened, we had a couple's session and I was talking after dinner about how I am feeling so tired and just need to rest. He was saying that he believes in me and loves me and I was feeling better about us. Now I wish I had not met him. That hurts to say because without meeting him, I wouldn't have my youngest son.

I am in a dangerous situation impulse-wise, because when we were having major issues, I would automatically start adding up money and trying to figure out how I could be on my own with the kids. I never had enough money, but at the moment, because I have my SSDI and back-dated benefits, I have enough to be on my own.

I am fighting that impulse because I also know that he would fight for the kids and probably get custody of my youngest because of my lack of functioning (which happens to be documented now because of my SSDI application). My oldest would probably be sent to live with his dad who is remarried and in a stable situation.
I would break up the family.

So, I go back to my other thoughts I have had in the past which are that I will have to just deal with it for the next 20 or so years until the kids are grown and then get out.

I know it is ridiculous for me to think that way, but that is where my mind goes. Then, when I realize it is ridiculous to think that way, I get angry and want to SI.

I am just trapped. I don't feel safe, but I won't do anything, hopefully, because it would just cause too many problems.

Thank you for letting me rant.

wow, BLNSOM i dont ever UNDERSTAND someone doing that, like what the hell?? you shoulldnt have to deal with that WEIRDNESS, i am someone that if my husband openly looked at porn, i would freak out!!!! i cant imagine how that made you feel-and that is whats important-i woulldnt care if it hurt HIS feelings or not, i mean really how weird and disrespectfull is that crap?? i too when arguing think about if i could make it, and then realize later i was being too impulsive-how about springing it on him in therapy?? just kidding, but really - you deserve better attitude that that, your a kind person dealing with quite a bit and thats too much, take care

I finally asked.

He says he has an itch (I am aware of the pun) that he was scratching and was not looking at porn.

So, I must be paranoid. Again. ( read with sarcasm)

Well, for the sake of argument, did he "scratch" himself for say 20 seconds or like 4 minutes?

It was for a while. He doesn't realize that I am smart enough to know the difference between an itch and an "itch". If he were really scratching, he would have put a gouge in his leg and bled. I am dropping the issue with him.

Is it wrong for me to imagine him "scratching" an artery and just bleeding....? Ya, I know I'm demented. I hate how much he hurts you though.

I don't think he means to hurt me. I think he is just that clueless.

This whole thing is giving me panic attacks and urges to SI.

Did you see the porn? You didn't say you actually saw the porn. Isn't it possible that you have interpretted this incorrectly? It does seem a bit odd that he would be doing this in the same room with you. You said you had a couple's session that may have been very triggering for you that day.

I didn't see it.

Last night I was nervous that he would do it again, so I went to bed early. I had to walk past his computer and he quickly went out of the page he was on and went to the screen saver. It might not be porn, but I feel like it is.

I am confused and panicky.

Or maybe it's me. I am thinking about everything that has been going on and maybe I have just gone crazy after all. Maybe there is nothing going on.

I don't know what to think.

Talk to him again. Tell him what you observed (switching to screen saver) and tell him where your thinking is. Tell him you just need the truth. That means you have to be prepared for either scenario: What will you say if it is porn? What will you say if he says it isn't?

While I understand the frustration if it is porn, there are worse things he could be doing. Ask him why he's feeling the need to go to porn if that is the case.

If he assures you it isn't, are you prepared to believe him?

I don't have a problem with him looking at it. I have a problem that he was, well, you know... in front of me, but trying to hide it at the same time.

I don't know if I can believe him if he says it isn't. But I don't know if that comes from a real lack of trust, or an illness-based, paranoid lack of trust.

Either way, he is being secretive for some reason.

Do you think he's addicted to porn? You might want to bring this up matter of factly one time, while talking. Most people don't realize that a porn addiction can sometimes lead to 'desensitization, even impotence' sometimes. You could say "I saw it on the news or I read an internet article and ......". With desensitization, the viewer needs more and more stimulation in order to reach orgasm and then when he goes to have regular sex with a partner- they no longer feel stimulated because they've been exposed to excessive stimulation. I think if more men knew how it could be detrimental in the longterm - they would get scared and stop. Porn can literally become a trap - it draws you in and stimulates, but it can actually ruin your sex life, if it gets out of control. We get questions all the time(Q&A) regarding porn addiction and impotence and men who would rather masturbate to porn instead of having sex with their partner. I hope you feel better.

I have mentioned it before, even in therapy.

I wish more men understood that too much porn CAN affect their sexual performance in real life and warp their concept of what real sex is - in comparison to the fantasy they see in these videos. Companies should have to put up a warning - could cause impotence. I mean really - who can go like that in endless positions and they all end the same way. Is it me or do other women hate the way they all end the SAME way. Sometimes I resent this whole internet thing. I like the old days when it was more difficult for men to get porn or cheat. Before they had to go to those sleezy stores and go to bars to cheat. Now all they have to do click and voila