[free_spirit13]

Hi everyone, it's good to have a place like this to communicate with people going through things similar to what I am going through. My issue right now is that I have come to believe that I have bipolar II, however, I have not gone to a doctor about it just yet. I sort of hate doctors and I didn't want to go in there with just an idea about something I think I might have, and nothing solid to prove that it existed. However, I have been reading some people's stories online and some of them really resonate with me-- because they sound like me.

First a quick background: I was a very energetic but also anxious child. My mom has told me that grade school teachers suggested I go on ADHD medication because I had trouble holding still but my parents decided against it. The anxiety also came early on. In the years after my grandfathers both died (within a few weeks of each other-- I think I was about 7 or 8), I had serious anxiety attacks where I would think that I was dying. My heart would be racing, I would scream and cry until sometimes I made myself sick. I started thinking I had different diseases, worrying about where my younger siblings were all the time, etc. As I got older this seemed to get better, as did (I think), my ability to control my excess energy. Then when I was about 13 or 14 I started experiencing depression-- though I don't know if I really understood it at the time, and certainly wasn't on the lookout for hypomania. It got worse as I got older and I withdrew, and at about age 17 I developed anorexia. For about 5 very scary years after that I continued to be depressed and stayed at a dangerously low weight. I was often depressed but also highly productive during those college years. I worked two jobs to pay for school, I got good grades doing a double major, I volunteered, I wrote a book (writing has always been a huge part of my life), and refused to slow down. I refused hospitalization, tried several different therapists but didn't stick with it, and also went on the highest possible dosages of different depression medications, which didn't seem to help-- leading me to quit those too. Now, although my weight has come back to normal, I don't feel better. I gained the weight back after months of binging episodes that I couldn't control, not a carefully structured eating plan. And gaining back the weight has not helped the depression that I believe started the disorder in the first place.

So now: I am 24 years old, and here is what my moods are like. I sometimes go through what I call my "bad" days where I am laying on the couch in the dark and would rather see no one. I went for a few weeks recently where I would stay up all night then sleep through the entire day. During these days I feel lethargic, sad, weepy, and sometimes suicidal. I take everything to heart, (although I think I am always extremely sensitive, just my reactions differ depending on my mood), I feel hopeless and guilty and worthless. But then I have my good days. This is where I am unsure, because I know hypomania is what differentiates depression from manic depression. On my good days (which seem far fewer than the bad ones), I still have a lot of trouble sleeping, but I'll get up early anyways and feel energized after a few hours sleep. I'll cook a breakfast, then immediately start being productive, whatever that might mean for the day-- applying for jobs, laundry, sorting, cleaning, cooking from scratch, writing, etc. Basically doing all of the things I haven't been able to do on the bad days. But on my good days I also tend to annoy people. Especially my family. I feel positively twitchy-- don't know how else to say that-- like I just have all this energy coursing through me and I can't hold still. Restless, is a good word to use I guess-- I often tap my fingers or move my feet continuously even when I am sitting or lying down. I also talk a lot, talk loudly, and laugh way too much at things that aren't as funny as I feel they are. I am overly affectionate, excited, and don't stop talking, singing or whatever else it is I am doing even when people ask me to and I know I should. Sometimes on these days I can get so restless that I go from acting really happy to annoyed with family members who are frustrated by my energy. I snap at them, sometimes fly into a rage, or, once and a while, snap back into feeling depressed because it somehow feels like I've failed at something. It is a tiring back and forth sort of thing-- there could be a pattern, I don't know, but it seems like there are only normal feeling hours, not days.

I think that's everything-- sorry this is so long! I wanted to be sure to include everything the way I experienced it because there are some symptoms to manic depression that I feel don't fit what I experience, (especially not bipolar 1 manic symptoms-- mine aren't that extreme), but there are other symptoms that seems to fit me perfectly. I am hoping that if some people can respond by sharing and comparing their experiences to mine, that I can see if I have a valid concern.

Thanks so much for your help!

[grizmom]

Welcome to PC I wish I could tell you if you have bipolar or not, but I'm obviously not a doctor. From what you've described, it could be bipolar II, but it could be something else entirely. I hope you will see a psychiatrist and tell him/her exactly what you've shared. The only part I would question is you said you were on high doses of anti-depressants, and generally anti-depressants on their own (with no mood stabalizer) will send a person with bipolar into hypomania or even mania. I have bipolar II but I was manic and psychotic once...when they put me on prozac.

I have not gone to a doctor about it just yet. I sort of hate doctors and I didn't want to go in there with just an idea about something I think I might have, and nothing solid to prove that it existed.

If you were showing signs of diabetes wouldn't you go see a doctor even though you don't have any solid proof? That's kind of the point of doctors...we tell them the symptoms we're having and they try to find out what is going on and try to help, right?

Sorry if I wasn't very helpful! I hope you will let us know how you are doing...take care!

[BNLsMOM]

You should absolutely see a doctor and tell him/her exactly what you wrote here. We can't diagnose online because we aren't doctors, but from what you describe you are definitely suffering from something. It could be several things, but only a face to face doctor can tell you for sure.

Believe me, I wish I had gone to a doctor at your age rather than waiting until I was 35 and in a major crisis. I would have had the possibility of 11 more stable years.

If you do have bipolar, you will lilely need to be on a mood stabilizer. It could take some time to find the right one.

Anyway, welcome to PC and I hope you keep posting with us.

[findingmyself1005]

yes very impoartnat that you go to doc becaue you need meds that can help with the swining moods...i was diagnoised with bip[olar II four yrs ago and i still have those moments where i will swing from one emtion to another but for the most part i am stable

[free_spirit13]

Originally Posted by BNLsMOM

You should absolutely see a doctor and tell him/her exactly what you wrote here. We can't diagnose online because we aren't doctors, but from what you describe you are definitely suffering from something. It could be several things, but only a face to face doctor can tell you for sure.

Believe me, I wish I had gone to a doctor at your age rather than waiting until I was 35 and in a major crisis. I would have had the possibility of 11 more stable years.

If you do have bipolar, you will lilely need to be on a mood stabilizer. It could take some time to find the right one.

Anyway, welcome to PC and I hope you keep posting with us.

I will. I appreciate the feedback. I think I will try and call the doc tomorrow.

[free_spirit13]

Well, it has been a little while since I checked in here. I have seen my new psychiatrist twice now, so not for very long. She has so far diagnosed me with Mood Disorder NOS, which actually is just sorta frustrating. I looked it up and there isn't much about it. Just basically that it is the "garbage bin" of disorders. In other words the name they give to the things they cannot name. That isn't really comforting. It's like saying, "Hey, I don't know what the hell is going on so I'm just gonna say that you are an outcast among the outcasts, okay?" I know it's early on and that from what I've read this is often an initial diagnosis that is changed into something more specific as your doctor gets to know you better, but from how she is talking it somehow feels like it is more permanent. I shared how I felt with her-- how I don't necessarily enjoy the thought of being diagnosed with something specific, but it seems more probable that it can be treated when it has a real name and symptoms, and she said something like, "yes, but what you have is more complex than that, and that is the short version." What's the long version? Anyone with Mood Disorder NOS that wants to add to that? Please?

Since I last posted I have also discovered that many of my symptoms fit in even better with Borderline Personality Disorder than Bipolar, as I originally thought. Not all of the symptoms for borderline fit me, but if I had to pinpoint any specific diagnosis as me, that would be it. Would anyone be willing to share their experiences with Borderline Personality Disorder? The DSM listing of the symptoms is sort of dry and non-explanatory and a more expressive explanation might help me sort out what I am going through. Thank you!!

[Eloise42]

I was always anxious for as long as I can remember. I think it's something that comes along with being the oldest (which I think I can figure you are) but mine was beyond that. My depression became extreme by high school.

One of the first clear cut manic episodes I had was when I was nineteen or twenty. They don't last that long for me and are far less rare than the depression.

Anti-depressants never did me any good. I read somewhere once that for bipolar people they do not much and sometimes even make things worse. Anti-anxieties, sleep-aids and mood stabilizers however can be really effective.

[RRU96]

From my understanding, BPD and Bipolar appear to be related closely on the outside and can sometimes get intertwined. When speaking with my doc, I mentioned issues I noticed in me and he said it may very well be.

I am glad you went to see the doc, but don't stress to much about the diagnosis for now. It is a new doc and they may still be trying to do an intake on you so they can get enough information to determine where to place you.

In your original post you mentioned a few other things going on so just give it a little bit of time. The doc doesnt want to just get a bit of information from you, jump to conclusions, only to have placed you into the wrong category.

Imagine it like a strange noise in the car. You know something is wrong, you might drive it around a little to determine what is wrong with it. If you cant figure it out, you may end up taking it to a mechanic. You KNOW something is wrong, but as of right now, its just a funny noise. It isnt specified whether its a loose shock, fan belt, or stuff in the trunk. It is unspecified. As we all know, sometimes it can take mechanics a few days or a few weeks to figure out the problem (think toyota). You try and fix the floor mats, only to realize that might not be the problem.

Give it time... Bring it up on your next visit and see where it goes. You might be surprised at the answer.

Take care and let us know how everything goes.

[sugahorse1]

Hi there and welcome. I guess I got here after all the helpful advise was dished out already. Just to let you know we are here to support, and I would really like to know what the doctor says. It's so much easier having a diagnosis and an explanation and then beginning treatment and no longer just having to sit back and accept that this is how life has to be.
I suffer from very similar cycles to you, with just minor and infrequent hypo-manic phases.