[Medicated]

I just submitted this to the Ask The Therapist thing, but I'm curious to know what the people on this board think. Maybe I'm not the only one who feels this way...

I've had mental health issues (primarily severe depression) since I was 10 (I'm 26 now), and I was diagnosed with bipolar II disorder about six years ago. I've been hospitalized twice for depression, although there were a few other times when I probably SHOULD have been in the hospital. Despite being very good about taking medications and following the treatment plan, I've never been very stable. I still get very depressed or hypo/manic at least twice per year (sometimes 4 or more times in a year)... but that's a different issue.

Despite how rough life has been for me emotionally, I've done fairly well for myself, and I'm now pursuing a challenging graduate-level professional degree in the medical field. I've always prided myself on my independence and success, because I've seen how devastating bipolar can be. I could have let it ruin me, but I am fighting tooth and nail to keep my life in MY control. Sometimes it's a really tough battle, but despite the bumpy ride, things are going okay.

However, ever since I was young, I have fantasized about and even craved a situation in which I am powerless and must rely on others to take total care of me and my life. These feelings are particularly strong when I am moderately depressed (and with more severe depression my thoughts turn overtly suicidal). Usually I imagine some kind of severe injury... I even find myself HOPING it will happen. It's just morbid thoughts - I don't particularly want to die, but it's like I'd be willing to deal with the physical pain if it meant that I would be freed from all responsibilities for a while AND be cared for by others.

I am rather ashamed of these thoughts. My life is going pretty well, all things considered, so why in the world do I keep fantasizing about something horrible happening to me?? I don't want anyone to know that I feel this way. It's embarrassing. It's needy and manipulative and pathetic and I hate it.

I would love to hear your thoughts on the matter, as these desires are moderately distressing to me. Thank you so much for your time.

Do you ever feel this way? ...is this normal? ...or should I bring this up with someone? I'm only kinda depressed right now and I'm mostly annoyed that I keep having these thoughts because they're so contrary to everything I stand for.

What are your thoughts?

[Trippin2.0]

I too find myself wishing something bad would happen to me, for the sake of being cared for, but honestly, I've not given it any thought until now...

I don't know what triggers it, and I don't know the reason behind it, but I too struggle with this. So I guess, in essence, all I really wanted to say is "you are not alone"

[BNLsMOM]

I have always had those thoughts, even as a young child. I used to wish for a broken leg, or something that would land me in a hospital bed. I craved sympathy and love. I think it comes from not knowing how to explain what is going on inside, so if there were outside evidence of what I go through, people might understand and show empathy.

[Trippin2.0]

so if there were outside evidence of what I go through, people might understand and show empathy.

That makes sO much sense...I think that's waht goes through my mind, will have to give it some more thought though...

[BNLsMOM]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

That makes sO much sense...I think that's waht goes through my mind, will have to give it some more thought though...

It doesn't go through my mind consciously. It is hindsight, really.

[sugahorse1]

I too feel this way - I just want to give my life over to someone else to look after. And I guess hospital best fits this description. Plus they can to an extent understand our torment and prescribe us medication to make the pain and all feel just go away.

[Trippin2.0]

But this is my actual thought process when I'm wishing to be hurt... eg.

"I wish this car would run me down, maybe then sum1 will notice that I'm not okay"

It's not at the back of my mind...this post has really got me thinking about my actual thoughts, and if they weren't scary yesterday, they sure are today...

[sugahorse1]

I think this post has touched a serious nerve - maybe needs a trigger icon because it is so scarily true that it can evoke serious emotions in people.

This is something I've always pushed to the back of my mind and soul, something I have never really discussed, but it is the painful truth.

[Trippin2.0]

I agree with Suga I'm not very clued up on the trigger icon, but I'm sure this post needs 1...

[sugahorse1]

Personally, I'm battling big time with the realisation of this...

[kadesgirl09]

ive batted this for as long as I can remember. then when I broke my arm this year it was almost a relief. a break from everything... but it didnt last long enough and I still had to deal with life (it was just a broken femur) so that sucked. now I'm back in that rut. Im so tired of kids and work and everything in between that I wish something serious would happen to me so that I can check out for at least a few days. have someone else take care of the kids, bring me dinner, etc. wow. it gets worse in my head but I cant put it down on this forum. not there yet. anyways. YES I FEEL THAT WAY!

[kadesgirl09]

i guess I may not have needed the trigger.. but I put it on there because of what was running through my head at the time.. eck

[Medicated]

Sorry everyone... I didn't mean to touch a nerve. I guess this just happens to me so often that I'm just used to it and didn't think much of it. oops.

[kadesgirl09]

no im glad you posted; that was something that would never had come to my conscience.

[grizmom]

You are definitely not alone! I'm going to have to journal about this; I've always had that floating around in the back of my head but never fully realized how often I think things like that until you posted this. Thank you for sharing! I don't wish it on anyone to feel this way, but I'm glad I'm not the only one.

[asecretmind]

I just registered to say thank you for posting this because I really thought I was alone with this. Mine is more complex too because I am also a carer for my partner. It is not that she gets all the attention and she cares for me in many ways but there is still a hole in me that really wants some love and affection.

[JourneyUpward]

You are not alone. I totally relate! I too want to be cared for. I cycle once or twice a week. The manias are dampened but the depression hasn't come up to normal yet. I ache to be cared for during my worst days each week. This week I wished my husband would check me into the hospital and that the staff would drug me into a stupor. Of course, I'm not sick enough to be admitted right now and they wouldn't put me in a stupor unless I had some serious co-occuring conditions. When I draw a bit closer to the pit of depression, well, then I want the lights to go out forever and I don't care how--I just can't bear the pain--but I keep pushing through my days. It hurts deeply. Yes, I can relate. You are not alone. Doesn't it seem as though we are always fighting ourselves?

I pray, I believe, and I ask God to help. I know He doesn't condemn me for how I feel; not even for wanting life to end. I know He understands my brain is faulty. I try to hang on because I know this is a hurdle in my life and I am expected to overcome and master it to the best of my ability.

[sugahorse1]

Feeling somewhat better this morning and realise how important the realisation of the above is. Thanks!

[Trippin2.0]

Originally Posted by sugahorse

Feeling somewhat better this morning and realise how important the realisation of the above is. Thanks!

Glad ur feeling better

[Medicated]

I thank you all for your comments. I'm very glad to know that I'm not the only one who has felt this way. If nothing else, it means I'm not as strange as I had feared! :eyeroll:

Medicated, you are defintely not alone in this. It came home to me recently when I realized that I am actually jealous of people who have been hospitalized. Yes, this may sound crazy, but there you have it. Upon further reflection, it wasn't the hospitalization per se, but jealously over the ability to do this for oneself or of having a support system that cares enough to make it happen when needed. Someone without a paralyzing fear over lack of finances, or paperwork. Because that's my vicious circle and I cannot break out of it. I've tried. So, yes, I do need to be taken care of to break through that. It's also not so much a break from responsibilities as a break to get where I could actually function. I wouldn't mind the responsibilities if my mind could simply deal with... well, anything. And it's not all the time. But when things get bad, I do become helpless and desperately need to be cared for in that way.

(I do, for the first time in my life, have one person who *does* understand and care enough to notice when things are bad. Thank goodness. But we are falling between the cracks right now--short version elsewhere-- and it's just really hard.)

The title of the thread is interesting. Secret? Well, only because I can't say it aloud. Craving to be cared for? Yeah, that.

[sugahorse1]

Innerzone - can you get yourself into a hospital financially? Not sure how medical funding works in the USA, but we a monthly medical aid (It's up to us to take out this "insurance") and they pay for it. unfortunately psych has a VERY small limit on it, and just a few days in hospital can deplete your savings/medical aid.
i feel guilty i have too many responsibilities to go off to hospital and miss work

Thanks for your concern sugahorse, but no, I really couldn't. The short version: Been unemployed several months (as has BF) and living off my savings from the very small job I had before that. Throw in an out of state move, and... yeah. (Good news is that it looks like BF got a job just today ... that would take some of the pressure off). We went to put in for a program and were turned away for insufficient residency time. So I'm holding off on all things medical as long as I possibly can (I am positively TERRIFIED of depleting the limited $, probably verging on phobic...)

BUT, worry not. Though I've been bouncing around the lower reaches (pretty ok to pretty bad), I've been far worse in the past (unrelentingly -- unlike now where there are times of ok). Seems like a med adjustment would do the trick, and I'm getting very close to forcing myself to call someone (I don't have any docs here, though do have the number of a D.O. that is supposed to be med savvy). But hospital, no.

Bringing it back to the thread topic, the answer is yes. Sometimes. You know, like those times I just can't do it for myself.

(And so glad to see you back, sugahorse! )

[WendyAussie]

Yes, I too have ALWAYS had fantasies of betting hurt or a severe medical illness so that I would be totally looked after, people would come see me and offer unconditional love and support. For me at least, I don't think it would take Freud to work out that this was an extreme response to an extreme upbringing of violence, abuse and neglect from a terrifying upbringing in an alcoholic home, where it was hard to be heard, to have my needs looked after etc - even my most basis needs at times - like illness etc.

It still flits around my head now but not so much - my family has shown itself to be ABSOLUTELY uninterested in my welfare, although I have shown plenty of love and care for THEM, so I think I've been diabused of fantasies about being looked after by them - it's good to move on from that delusional state.

[musikcrazy]

I have those same feelings, but I try to resist them. Lately I have found myself wanting my therapist to 'rescue' me from the horrible thoughts and feelings, but it is in a unhealthy way. I am trying to rely on my on coping skills as much as possible. I think that when we have a mental illness we desire that feeling of being cared for because having a mental illness is just so draining. Sometimes we crave being able to completely let go and let someone else handle it. I think the thoughts of being hurt may mean that we want to feel pain in another way so that people can see it instead of feeling so trapped inside of our bodies. This post has really made me think and I am having a hard time admitting that I do have these feelings.