[BNLsMOM]

Big Trigger


This is what happens when I push myself too hard after coming out of the hospital a month ago.

I chickened out on going to my son's school trip this morning, made my husband scramble to get him another chaperone, had my dad take my youngest to his house as planned and now I am alone having bad thoughts.

It is like all my symptoms came flooding back to overwhelm me this morning.

I held a razor blade to my hand and pressed and it made a tiny little cut, ao tiny that it looks like the smallest of paper cuts.

I have been scratching at my wrist hoping that my fingernail is sharp enough to cut through.

I've gone crazy again and I am afraid to let anyone know. They'll cart me back to the hospital and I don't want to go because maybe I will get better tomorrow.

I am shaking and I don't know what to do.

[Moreta]

Take a deep breath, and relax. Just because you had one slip-up doesn't mean it's the end of the world. Try to stay positive and use some of the coping techniques you learned while in the hospital. Remember that everyone has bad days and it's ok. Try taking a bandage and wrapping a piece of ice to your wrist. You have to put the ice directly on your skin.

Why don't you try some painting? Maybe put some paint on the canvas and finger paint for a while. Take the agression out on the canvas, and not on yourself.

[sugahorse1]

BNLsMOM - talk to me here and I'll do my best to make you feel better!
Please don't hurt yourself - you know you are causing yourself unnecessary physical pain, and unfortunately this is not going to help your emotional pain - they are very different.
Do you have any anti-anxiety/sedating pills you can take? Or a sleeping tablet, so sedate you a bit and just slow your thinking down?
Don't go read unnecessary posts on PC for now, as you never know which one can trigger you.
Do you have a pet you can go and cuddle with?
Do you feel your medicines are doing you justice, or is it time to call your pdoc and get your meds adjusted?
Just think about your kids and how they look up to you, and love you - they'd hate to see you in this state. You deserve to be happy, if only for their sake.
Have you been through these spells before - how long do they usually last? I can empathise with not wanting to go to hospital because you could feel better tomorrow, but if there's any chance this can last a few days, hospital may be best for you. You don't want to lose total control of yourself - asking for help is nothing to be ashamed of
(((HUGS)))

[BNLsMOM]

I called my husband who called my T. I'll go see him at 11.

I am watching TV and I will probably go paint something for a while. I'll stay online too.

[sugahorse1]

Thanks BNLsMOM - I'm sure it wasn't easy, but you know it was the right thing. Please be totally honest and open with your T and really allow him to assist you - if he feels hospital is the best place for you, please be open to the suggestion.
Painting would be great - put your feelings and emotions into that.

[BNLsMOM]

Originally Posted by sugahorse

BNLsMOM - talk to me here and I'll do my best to make you feel better!
Please don't hurt yourself - you know you are causing yourself unnecessary physical pain, and unfortunately this is not going to help your emotional pain - they are very different.
Do you have any anti-anxiety/sedating pills you can take? Or a sleeping tablet, so sedate you a bit and just slow your thinking down?
Don't go read unnecessary posts on PC for now, as you never know which one can trigger you.
Do you have a pet you can go and cuddle with?
Do you feel your medicines are doing you justice, or is it time to call your pdoc and get your meds adjusted?
Just think about your kids and how they look up to you, and love you - they'd hate to see you in this state. You deserve to be happy, if only for their sake.
Have you been through these spells before - how long do they usually last? I can empathise with not wanting to go to hospital because you could feel better tomorrow, but if there's any chance this can last a few days, hospital may be best for you. You don't want to lose total control of yourself - asking for help is nothing to be ashamed of
(((HUGS)))

My meds have been beautiful until this morning. I have been like a regular human.

I don't have anything for anxiety on hand.

This spell came out of the blue. Usually they build for weeks or months. I don't know how long it will last but in the past they have been off and on.

[Fresia]

Sending you the BIGGEsT HUG right now!

[sugahorse1]

Will your T be able to assist in obtaining any anxiety meds? I find clanazopam allows my thoughts to slow down, and I feel much better

[BNLsMOM]

I can't take Benzo's. They make me more anxious. I am not sure what else there is. He will hopefully be able to talk to me and help me figure out what the H is going on.

[sugahorse1]

That's a great attitude to have - I really wish you all the best. Try paint or sleep in order to hurry the time along

[Moreta]

Originally Posted by BNLsMOM

I can't take Benzo's. They make me more anxious. I am not sure what else there is. He will hopefully be able to talk to me and help me figure out what the H is going on.

Do you take any anti-psychotics? Those usually calm me down.

How did the appointment with the T go?

[BNLsMOM]

I have some Seroquel. T told me to take one. I just took one.

I had a couple of panic attacks in his office which has never happened before. I am usually very calm and safe there. I am going back to see him again tomorrow.

[Moreta]

Originally Posted by BNLsMOM

I have some Seroquel. T told me to take one. I just took one.

I had a couple of panic attacks in his office which has never happened before. I am usually very calm and safe there. I am going back to see him again tomorrow.

Yeah, I take Seroquel. You might pass out after taking it though.

I'm glad that your T is helpful. Panic attacks are not very fun. I usually have mine at work. Hopefully though, he will be able to help you.

Keep us updated.

[BNLsMOM]

Slept for three hours, and I am getting nervous again. Thoughts are happening. It took the edge off so I will take more later.

[grizmom]

Originally Posted by BNLsMOM

Slept for three hours, and I am getting nervous again. Thoughts are happening. It took the edge off so I will take more later.

I'm glad your T is able to get you in right away like that!! We're here for you; I hope this passes quickly!

[sugahorse1]

Hi there,
Please check in when you are online and I will do my best to support you while I am online (The next 8 hours or so)

[Shakti]

BNLsMOM, how are you today?

[BNLsMOM]

I feel less anxious today. Not my best though, and the Seroquel hangover is not fun. I feel stupid for scratching at myself and now I have a stupid mark to remind me. I am still having a lot of thoughts, but they are less compelling at the moment.

Thanks for all the support. I really needed it.

[sugahorse1]

Hope the T app today is a good one too!

[kadesgirl09]

(((BNLsMOM))) hugs to you. sending peaceful thoughts and love your way!

[bmx35]

BNLsMOM...I can relate to your symptoms...I too had wanted to end it all with all the rushing, terrible thoughts that come in. Nights and early mornings were terrible. I feel so grateful my husband kept up with me. No matter how difficult, it was my family especially the thought of my husband and children that gave me the will (despite being weak then) not to self-destruct. Seek all the help that you need BNLsMOM, this will all come to pass. And when it is overcome, you are grateful that you did not give up. Hugs from my part of the world.

[sugahorse1]

Heythere, just rest in the peace of knowing that it's just a matter of time until this episode is complete - and through that we are here to support you.
You may have all the knowledge and experience in the world, but I know that when these feelings creep up on you, there's no rationalising - and it is just as terrible and painful as the first time you experienced it.

HUGS