[imjustaDad]

I don't even know where, or how to start.

My daughter was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder about a year ago. We knew prior to that something was wrong, because we had nights where we'd be up until 5 i nthe morning trying to get her to sleep, and she'd want to vacuum, or clean, or ramble on about nonsense while giggling.

I grew up in a house with a bipolar mother, so I'm use to some of it to a degree. However, it's so much different when it's your baby. She's on meds now and for some time, we got some improvements. She's sleeping at night now, but our daytime behaviors seem to be increasing. They adjusted her meds a couple of times and we see a month or two of positive behavior, then it's back to slumps.

This week, I think has broke me. She started in with the look in her eye, the look that we know all to well. She started smacking herself and I said "why would you hit yourself" she said "because I want to hurt myself" i seen a bruise on her arm, and after some talking she told me she did it to herself wishing it was me she was pinching.

I thought I had her calmed down and I asked her to talk. She said "I'll hurt myself if I want to" and bashed her face off the floor before I could stop her and shattered her nose, then smiled at me while blood covered ran from her nose.

We take her to the ER as we have many times before and they're telling us she needs to go in patient when the next "shift" starts.

I'm heartbroken. She's 6 years old, brilliant, lovely and just a sweet little girl when she's not up cycling. She's reading at a 3rd grade level in kindergarten. She's cuddly and says the sweetest things.

It's like we have two children living in one little body. She's unaware of her logic after a rage fit has happened. "Daddy, why did I hit you" I will respond "I don't know sweety, it hurt daddy, why did you hit me" she'll respond along the lines of "I don't remember doing it that much"

I don't mind the black eyes, I'm a large man ad getting beat up doesn't hurt me in the least. It hurts my heart, twice. One knowing a part of her wants to hurt me. Then, knowing the other part of her is hurting for trying to destroy someone she loves.

Currently, today she's at my mothers house. She told me a few weeks ago "daddy, I dont' want to live here anymore" I asked her why and told her she's our baby and we didn't want to be without her and she said "because I'm so tired of hurting you and feeling bad about it"

We're lost. We don't know what to do anymore. I'm a stay at home father and I have been since my oldest was a newborn. My wife makes a very comfortable living for us, so financially we're able to do many things for Sis. It seems like nothing is working. We've done books, we've done videos, we do weekly therapy along with monthly visits to the pill guy. We socialize her (and my other two) in multiple environments almost daily. The Zoo, children museum, parks, many places as per one of the many books we read suggested.

none of this is helping. How are others dealing with this situation? How are you keeping your sanity? Every day it's something. A parent coming over telling me she's hit one of their kids, something expensive like a plasma TV getting a cup thrown through it, Tooth paste in the toaster, you name it. I'm wearing out, and while she's gone this week it's been pleasant. It's been quiet. I've not had to pull her off her brothers, I've not had to pick up glass from her throwing cups, I've not had to pick up 6 boxes of cereal ground into my carpets. I've not gotten beat up for trying to talk her out of dumping cereal on the carpets.

What the hell are other parents doing? I want a calm, normal, quiet and somewhat reasonable living environment. I know this was long, but I had to get it off my chest. I need some advice on what to do. I'm with her 24 hours a day and I'm just wearing out.

[PufNStuf]

Dad,

Bless you for posting here and reaching out. I'm going to re-read this, think about it, and pray about it...but I really commend you and your wife.

The only thing I'll say for now, is....that if it is BP (and I know there's rif-raf about Dxing so young), but she is absolutely terrified. She doesn't know how to stop it. It's absolute hell to suffer from BPD (as you noticed with your Mom), and she sees how much it hurts you....she can't stop it...she's in (if I may be so bold) a lot more pain than those around her (although I know it hurts. If you'd like to talk to my Mom, I'm sure she'd email with you. I started displaying symptoms at age 7).

What meds is she on? Have you only seen one psychiatrist (pill guy)?

People with bipolar have an incredible capacity to feel..both good and bad. They are some of the most loving people on the planet...it also goes the other way (hurt feelings, etc).

It sounds like an inpatient program with observation may be what she needs...I had my first inpatient hospitalization at age 8 for suicidal idealogy....and at 8, I couldn't even comprehend "death" - I just didn't want to live. That's how bad the BPD was...even at 8.

I'm going to re-read this and really think about it. But you're not alone...and I'm saying a prayer for you guys.

(welcome)

[grizmom]

I wish I had some wonderful advice to give you, but I just don't. I can only say that my prayers are with you and your family, and feel free to come here to vent/chat whenever you need to.

[Trippin2.0]

I'm so sorry you and your family are experiencing such a tough time. You have displayed an immense amount of love, resilience, dedication and patience, you are an amazing father I pray that God will show you the path to healing and understanding, not only for your daughter, but for all you. God Bless You!

[Eloise42]

How one hundred percent positive are you guys about the diagnosis of bipolar? I ask because that is a LOT of external havoc she is wreaking and there can be many reasons why kids do that.

Often when people physically hurt themselves and the people they love it is a way of asking for help. Freaking out at other people's houses and at you and worrying about her own behavior around you could indicate some serious trust issues. Children who experience trauma often don't say anything and also can display the kind of behavior you are describing. I could be totally off and you do have a family history of bipolar but that was my gut reaction.

For what it's worth it can get better. My cousin has Ausberger's and for a while it took two adults watching him at all times. You literally couldn't take your eyes off of him for sixty seconds. Now he is fourteen and you would have no idea there was anything different about him. Children's brains are miraculously adaptable.

[bmx35]

Children's brains are miraculously adaptable (by Eloise42)...I find hope in this possibility as well. Imjustadad, I admire your perseverance and dedication. It will be difficult but you are on the right track...What I see as hopeful is that your daughter seem to have relative AWARENESS. She is very young indeed and given the BD, there is much confusion about how she really feels (which must be very frustrating to her). I was thinking, could you process her feelings with her in a way that her age could understand? This may increase her understanding of how she feels. You may probably consult her therapist/doctor on how to do the processing. My prayers for you and for her.

[mamaJenof5]

I have had to deal with these issues as a child and I know how scared she must be. I know you don't want to see her go to a hospital but it might be for the best. Get into therapy for the whole family. Find other parents with Bipolar children. My mom had her head in the sand for 25 years and I pretty much had to figure this all out on my own. Your daughter is so lucky she has you to understand her and help her. I can relate to her saying she can hardly remember her episodes b/c I almost never can. even now at 29. It is the hardest life to live (I think) b/c there are no cures. Sure there are meds but it takes years to find the right combo and then (for me atleast) they only work for so long. Then you upping doses to the point theres no where to go but on to a different med. the cycling is the worst b/c most people (and yourself) can't understand why and how this happens this way. (I'm rambling,sorry) Your post broke my heart, I see my 5 year old with such symptoms and I'm so worried that I have given him a life sentence of hell. My son has not shown anything as severe as your daughter yet but its there, I can feel it in my heart. Good luck to your family and keep us posted, I will be praying for your daughter.

[sleek12]

Well, when they hit themselves then its not bipolar, its borderline personality disorder. Is she like manipulative sometimes ?
Get her thyroid tested. See if that works out.

[maryjain lockhart]

Originally Posted by Eloise42

How one hundred percent positive are you guys about the diagnosis of bipolar? I ask because that is a LOT of external havoc she is wreaking and there can be many reasons why kids do that.

Often when people physically hurt themselves and the people they love it is a way of asking for help. Freaking out at other people's houses and at you and worrying about her own behavior around you could indicate some serious trust issues. Children who experience trauma often don't say anything and also can display the kind of behavior you are describing. I could be totally off and you do have a family history of bipolar but that was my gut reaction.

For what it's worth it can get better. My cousin has Ausberger's and for a while it took two adults watching him at all times. You literally couldn't take your eyes off of him for sixty seconds. Now he is fourteen and you would have no idea there was anything different about him. Children's brains are miraculously adaptable.

When I was 4 I was molested&sodomized by an uncle&I didn't say anything for a yr&the whole time I did things like slam my feet in the car door2hurt myself, pinch myself, I picked up a razorblade knowing it was dangerous but I grabbed it in the palm of my hand&had2get stitches, and once I even cut my hair off.
After I told my mom what was goin on, I stopped hurting myself. Looking back I think I did it b/c I felt guilty about what had happened&I wanted to tell but I was afraid. But 13yrs after that I was DX'd w/BPD after I tried to OD on pills.
I'm not saying that anything happened to your daughter but also you never know.
My mom didn't want2admit anything could ever be wrong with me&even as a teenager when I needed help&felt terribly about myself she ignored it. I'm happy to read about a parent who wants to help their child. It hurts sometimes to be a kid&its good to know some parents will try as hard as they can to help their child. Imjustadad, good for you for looking for a solution. Definitly get her thyroid checked though&always get a second or even third or fourth opinion.