[Trippin2.0]

Hi Guys...

After I was dxd last Friday, I mentioned in my thread that "bf" was being so supportive...

That same weekend, I flew off the handle at him, for no good reason (he didn't respond to my sms immediately) I was accusing him of not wanting to spend time with me,completely unreasonable, I know, but it's one of my "defects" that remind me to stay single!

Anyway, I felt like such a B*^%$ because he was giving me the silent treatment, which btw I DESERVED, as I KNOW I was being irrational, and emotionally childish, but somehow could not stop myself... I sent profuse apologies via sms and mxit all week, even HONESTLY told him, that if he wanted to cut ties, I'd understand, cos I have no excuse for my stupid behavior, and didn't know how to fix it, and that he\s probably drained by now and he really deserves WAY better... (Felt sad about that decision, but it was made in the right frame of mind & I was "at peace" with it...)

To cut a LONG convoluted story short: I feel even worse!
He finally made contact last night, and told me the reason he was giving me the silent treatment was not because he was upset with me, but because he's messed up depressed b/c of financial and personal issues, and didn't want to bug me, or influence my current mood...

OMW, do u see why I feel like an even BIGGER idiot now?

I was sO self-absorbed, worrying about my dx that I DIDN'T NOTICE HE WAS OFFISH ON FRIDAY, and just doing his best to make ME feel better

Me; the person that's usually empathetic toward random strangers, me; that's known this man for 10yrs! Me;supposed close friend/lover...couldn't see he was in sO much pain b/c WONDERFUL me; was sO self-absorbed and "apart" from what was actually REALLY happening around me

I spent sO much time and energy being upset with him, that I ended up completely abandoning him in his time of need, because MY issues were sO huge I was blinded...

Guess I just needed to say how I feel where I might be understood, have any of you experienced something similar?
Do you perhaps know why I'm so self-obsessed lately? Why I'm oblivious to the obvious?
I'm completely UNFAMILIAR with this aspect of my personality, I'm usually the giver, in all kinds of relationships, so this is quite an unnerving experience for me...

Feel sO bad about the whole thing, and don't know how to make it up to him...

Any input/insight/advice is welcomed, THAT'S WHY I'M POSTING

[sugahorse1]

I cannot offer an explanation or insight, but I can offer you a shoulder. I too got through the same. If my bf doesn't answer, I panic. I think he's avoiding me. Instead he's probably just really busy.
When he has a late appointment, I battle even more because I have to spend a while at home on my own, and again think he's avoiding me.

When my friend doesn't e-mail me back, I think she's ignoring me - in reality she actually just has a LOT of work on her plate! And may not have checked her e-mail lately.

I think especially when you are depressed, your mind just doesn't react correctly. Cut yourself some slack - it's hard enough to keep your own head above water during these times.
I was feeling very down and stressed yesterday, and driving with a friend, who got some irritating and stressful news. I actually just felt blank - I knew I ought to say something uplifting, but couldn't pick my own self up.

Be careful of continuously apologising and pushing people away, especially if they know you suffer from BP. In my experience, they actually do understand; if you get too much for them, they will naturally just shut down for a while. I think I've pi$$ed people off more with my continuous apologising.

As you come to terms with the dx and get to know yourself and your moods better, you will pick up on these traits and learn to deal with them.

Hang in there!

[grizmom]

I still struggle with with similar issues at times, but I've worked hard to pull myself out of those behaviors. DBT and CBT skills helped me a lot! Here are some links you might find interesting...

http://www.dbt-cbt-workbook.com/The%...d%20States.pdf

http://www.dbt-cbt-workbook.com/DBT-...20for%20DW.pdf

I have the workbook these are from, and I love it! I got mine for about $20 on amazon.com, but here is the link to the website about the book and author: http://www.dbt-cbt-workbook.com/

I'm sorry you're having a hard time; I hope you and your bf are able to work things out!!

[Trippin2.0]

THANKS GRIZMOM!!!! (((((HUGZZzz)))))

[Fresia]

The DBT skills are GREAT for repairing relationships. They have helped me more than I can even say.

[sugahorse1]

Thanks Griz! It's terribly painful having to pull yourself away from a person, even harder to apologise, and hardest of all to repair any damage.
I just wish I could avoid the situation altogether

[Trippin2.0]

He FORGAVE ME AGAIN! Said duzn matter what I do, or where our paths lead,as long as he's breathing,he's there for me <3 I'm s0 relieved, really thought I screwed up royally this time... Thanx guys for your input and support! XOXO

[sugahorse1]

Yay for you!

[kadesgirl09]

sorry I wasnt around trippin but im glad you found out hes still there for you! You have an awesome man Im sure! We have to have great guys because were great women!

[sugahorse1]

I'll second that Kades! I know we always doubt ourselves, but it's wrong, and we definitely deserve to be loved

[Trippin2.0]

You guys are the best, and you're right kadesgirl, we ARE GREAT!!!

2Day, I'm too blessed to be stressed

[sugahorse1]

You appear to be on top of the world (((TRIPPIN))

[Trippin2.0]

That's why I have such an ambiguous name Good / Bad, I always seem to be TRIPPIN it just fits!

Gotta MOUNTAIN of filing (been VERY unproductive this past month, and my filing has suffered...) but I don't even mind right now...

Tomorrow, I'm gonna work 1/2 day and treat bf with his favourite (Simply Asia).a nice back massage, and some movies...he could use some TLC, I've been so high maintenance lately, think he deserves a treat

That's if I don't pass out early hours of the morning...Haven't slept more than 3 hours in the past 4days... but I'm not tired in the least

HOPE YOU GUYS ARE HAVING A BLESSED DAY!
xoxo

[bmx35]

I third that :-) Kades and Sugahorse...It feels good to be loved by someone who loves you inspite of your weaknesses and failures...For Trippin, the times you felt you were self-absorbed are also those times you were not yourself...you were ill and it is emotionally difficult to reach out to others then. Such states are temporary and once it passes, you become your old generous and loving person again. Just forgive yourself and while you are well, do all the loving you can to those you really care about. Best to us all...

[Trippin2.0]

Thanks bmx35!!!

So sweet of you to point out that I was ill... (didn't even think of that factor)
Guess because I don't get physically ill, it's hard to think of myself as just that...ill.

Will ponder on this for a while...

Thanks again, hope you guys are doing well