[BNLsMOM]

I just have no interest in anything. It's an effort to do anything more than sit in a chair. I can't even describe it properly.

When I can force myself to do things I like doing, I just go through the motions and don't really get anything out of it.

We are trying to plan a few days away as a family and I really could care less if it happens or not.

The only emotions I feel are irritability when something challenges me more than sitting around does, or disappointment that I am wasting my life by not enjoying it.

I am not even interested in eating, but I do it because I have to.

[owllover99]

I googled the word and it was what I thought or had an inkling it would be. Not getting pleasure out of pleasurable things and I think yours is due to depression. You sound just like me before I go into one of my big depressions (I am a strange bipolar. I am stable for years, but when I get depressed, I get sucidial. I have been manic once and I was psychotic). I would talk to both to my pdoc and my T. You may not get any worse. But then again, you may go sucidial. I feel for you. I know how it is. And you got people around you who love you and probably have no idea what's going on. I can say hugs and all that, but better yet, get some help. Quick.

[Skully]

You are not alone. There are times when I feel the same way. I usually come out of it after a week or so but it really does suck to feel that way!

[BNLsMOM]

Originally Posted by owllover99

I googled the word and it was what I thought or had an inkling it would be. Not getting pleasure out of pleasurable things and I think yours is due to depression. You sound just like me before I go into one of my big depressions (I am a strange bipolar. I am stable for years, but when I get depressed, I get sucidial. I have been manic once and I was psychotic). I would talk to both to my pdoc and my T. You may not get any worse. But then again, you may go sucidial. I feel for you. I know how it is. And you got people around you who love you and probably have no idea what's going on. I can say hugs and all that, but better yet, get some help. Quick.

I have told p-doc and T. I just came out of a mixed episode where I had to go to the hospital and they put me on Depakote. We think that it is contributing to the anhedonia, that it is making me too stable. It really does suck, though.

[owllover99]

Yeah, that could be it, too. I was on Depakote like a week and couldn't even get out of bed. So maybe your pdoc can put you on something else. That's better than bad depression. It sucks, too. Medicine (especially mental medicine is a trial and error "science". Sounds like another error was made. Good luck.

[BNLsMOM]

Originally Posted by owllover99

Yeah, that could be it, too. I was on Depakote like a week and couldn't even get out of bed. So maybe your pdoc can put you on something else. That's better than bad depression. It sucks, too. Medicine (especially mental medicine is a trial and error "science". Sounds like another error was made. Good luck.

If Depakote is not the med for me than I am pretty much out of options according to the doctor at the hospital. I think my current p-doc is a little more creative and can hopefully come up with something.

For mood stabilizers, I have so far been on:
Lithium
Lamictal
Trileptal
Topamax
and now Depakote.

There are still Tegretol, Nuerontin and Zyprexa left to try according to the doctor at the hospital, but he doesn't think those will work for me if the others I have tried don't. Lithium and Lamictal might have worked but I couldn't tolerate the tremors of Lithium and I was allergic to Lamical. (not the rash, but my lymph nodes were swelling up while I took it.)

As much as I would love to not have to take meds, I am afraid to be out of options because that means the swings will be even deeper than they have been while on meds.

It is really boring to not care about doing anything. Even when I am able to get out and do something, the days are just so unbelieveably long.

[cybermember]

The anhedonia could be from your medication or it could be from your disorder. Oftentimes it's hard to distinguish which is the culprit. I have suffered from the same but adjusted over time. Perhaps you will too.

[thinker22]

Sorry to hear what you are going through. I have had anhedonia too. I would just stare out the window and not care about anything. Didn't want to eat, couldn't think, nothing seemed to matter. I just wanted to sleep so I wouldn't be conscious to my inability to enjoy or care about anything. Currently I'm too anxious and worrying about the next thing I need to or am going to do to enjoy the present moment. It's torture. Again, I wish I could just be asleep all the time so I wasn't worrying.

Sounds like your meds aren't helping you. Mine are helping me make it through each day, but it's no fun. You seem like you're barely even there at all. You can't be totally out of options. I've been on a ton too and I've thought that before in the past, but there's always something new coming out and different classes that have a secondary use that might be beneficial to your situation.

I feel for you. Don't give up.

[Lauru]

(((((BNLSMom)))))

I understand how you are felling. I have definitely been there, sometimes for a week, sometimes for a month or more. It is a deep level of depression for me. When I hit this stage I know I am in grave trouble if I don't get some help immediately. If I wait, I decompensate too quickly and end up suicidal and in the hospital. I wish all the best for you. Know that this feeling will end and you will find pleasure in things again.

[sugahorse1]

I think I'm slowly slipping into this state after having bounced for 4 days, only slowing down when my body has had enough
It's hard to be motivated and do anything.You want others to make all decisions for you.
I guess it's better than being in a terribly deep depression though. I think I'm there now; just teetering on the fence.

MNLsMOM - I really hope you manage to get the right meds, thinking of you

[BlackPup]

((((BNLSMom)))) I understand how you feel, I get like that when depressed. I promise you it goes away and you can love life again...

[Trippin2.0]

I also experience this with depression and agree with BlackPup, it will go away, you WILL be able to experience joy once again!

[BNLsMOM]

It doesn't feel like depression to me, it just feels like nothing. A lack of motivation, zero will, and everything in life is just neutral.

I can see where it would lead to depression.

I am also having a very hard time getting up in the morning. I was off and on asleep until noon today.

I do feel where I could tip easily into either a pure depression or back into a mixed state if I come up against any real triggers.

[sugahorse1]

i'm in this state too now, and not sure if it's going to lead to a mixed state or depression. I am also really looking to sleep at any opportunity

[Bipolarmother]

I feel for you... Right now I am in the same mode of just lying in bed. That has been worse because at least I used to stay on the couch and the tv, computer and even a few loads of laundry would complete my day. Now it is nothing, I look at everything around here to do and just dont care. I dont even know what the temperature is outside nor do I care I have a big beautiful built in pool to enjoy.

Enjoy?? what is that anymore in depression. I rapid cycle mostly to depression and I just dont have the strength to follow through on those suicidial plans that pop into my head.

I understand about meds to, I am on none because they make me worse, have tried all of them and it traumatizes me more everytime we try and I get the disappointments of the failure of ever feeling better. It has been 4 yrs!!! Sounds weird but the failure and disappointment is worse then the bipolar.... So I stay in my little world of dysfunction but it is somewhat stable for me, weird but it is "safe" for me....

You mentioned the meds you were on and I have found the very med I need, the mood stabalizers actually set me into a deeper depression. So my pdoc thinks out of the box with me and at one point we tried a calcium channel blocker. The secondary use for them are mood stability. It might be worth looking into...

Good luck and I guess we will both be living like zombies for the summer...

[BNLsMOM]

I feel like I am getting worse. I will have to call my p-doc on Monday.

[Bipolarmother]

yes keep him aware of how you are feeling. Do you do a mood chart?