[bridgie]

i have been up for awhile i mean hypomanic. im dropping. sinking. i dont want to go down. being up i can handle i have to watch what i do what i say but im learning how to do that but when im down i dont have that. watching what i do and ssay isnt possible i usually dont say much when im down but when i do its always so negative so dreary. my spirit is covered in darkness. i know thats not me *sigh* me is the up the talkative productive energetic slightly erratic funny person. hypomanic is me. i may spend i may be irritable i may be slightly over the top so to speak but when im down im nothing. im intolerable to myself i feel worthless unloved i want it to go away it never will. i have to accept that. after all these years of the ups and downs you would think i would have gotten used to it but i dont think one ever does

[BlackPup]

bridgie, thinking of you - its a crappy place to be.
Know that it is the mood, not you. You are not intolerable, worthless or unloved and it will go away... It still feels crap, but you can lay the blame for the crappiness outside of who you are.
Be kind to yourself, understand that the suffering is real, give yourself the rest, time and space that you need, give yourself pleasureable things to look forward to and enjoy.
We are all here for you

[blueoctober]

bridgie;I'm sorry you are feeling depressed. I agree with Blackpup try to do things that normally "fill you up". If you have a therapist maybe see if you can get in for an extra session.

[bridgie]

I have called my doc to see about something for sleep since I'm having trouble. I take a kung fu class which I feel bad if I don't go. And that helps. I haven't been able to afford going to my tdoc. My ma pays for the kung fu class so its something I can do but medical stuff is mine. Insurance helps but I'm so far behind I need to get those payed before I go.

[vjdragonfly]

I'm sorry bridgie that you are going through a depressive stage. I agree that it is never something you get used to. I agree with BlackPup be kind to yourself and don't blame yourself. It is part of the illness and with time it will pass. Sorry you can't see you T right now. Do you have someone else you can talk to? Take care of yourself.

Originally Posted by bridgie

i have been up for awhile i mean hypomanic. im dropping. sinking. i dont want to go down. being up i can handle i have to watch what i do what i say but im learning how to do that but when im down i dont have that. watching what i do and ssay isnt possible i usually dont say much when im down but when i do its always so negative so dreary. my spirit is covered in darkness. i know thats not me *sigh* me is the up the talkative productive energetic slightly erratic funny person. hypomanic is me. i may spend i may be irritable i may be slightly over the top so to speak but when im down im nothing. im intolerable to myself i feel worthless unloved i want it to go away it never will. i have to accept that. after all these years of the ups and downs you would think i would have gotten used to it but i dont think one ever does

So relate to your description here, brigie. I don't get used to it either. Am more aware of the need to "ride it out", but sure doesn't feel do-able at the time. More an intellectual knowledge thing that my "little voice" tries to impress upon the one doing the most talking.

Thinking of you.

[bridgie]

I don't really have anyone else to talk to. Not anyone that isn't tired of hearing it. They've heard it many times and it brings them down a ltl. So I try to keep it to myself. It is the mood. You are right. I'm trying to remember that. It gets hard. My doc did give me something for sleep. Proper sleep I know helps. Better than sitting up feeling miserable tired and crying. Soon I get to go on a retreat I'm hoping that time will allow me to go through the slump without having the normal day to day worries. I don't always get that. Thanks for all the hugs and good thoughts. I hope things are going well for all of you too.

[blueoctober]

Originally Posted by bridgie

I don't really have anyone else to talk to. Not anyone that isn't tired of hearing it. They've heard it many times and it brings them down a ltl.

Do you have a therapist or would you consider speaking to a therapist? I know you would never think that way of your friends if he or she shared what was going on with them good or bad. On the same token I do see a therapist regularly, so my time with my friends isn't spent solely on talking about how I'm feeling, the illness etc. etc.

[Shadowghost]

Bridgie, I totally relate to what you're saying, and I agree with everyone else, it is just the mood talking, not you, and you are not Intolerable or worthless. I know how it feels, to have those around you grow tired of hearing the same things, over and over again, not feeling that you can really un-burden yourself to anyone close to you. You have to keep in mind, difficult as it is, even for me to do, that people without bipolar disorder or major depression, simply don't understand what you are going through. They can't grasp what it's like, and they operate under a lot of misconceptions about psychiatric illnesses. I came to terms with the fact that people without these problems are simply incapable of understanding what it's like to suffer from depression or bipolar disorder. It's painful, and very frustrating, but I don't blame them. In a strange sort of way, they are suffering from, what I like to think of anyway, a disorder as well. When I think of others like this, suffering from what I like to think of as the disorder of not understanding, it helps me to put things in perspective. These other people who don't understand what you, and everyone else with a psychiatric illness, are going through, are laboring under mountains of misunderstanding, myth, and false assumptions. They can't fight their way out from under this mountain, and most never try to, because they don't see things as I do, or as others with an illness do. They can't recognize the biases and misunderstandings they operate under. It sucks, I know, but you have to remember that there are people who do understand, who are ready and willing to offer you compassion and support. You are not alone, although it seems at times that you are. There are others who will reach out to you with love.

[thinker22]

Sending you It's a rough life for we bipolars. Pulling for you. We're here for you as others have said.