[ladylazarus]

I just got home from a vacation down the shore with my family. So many great talks and laughs warmed my heart after spending months in my apartment struggling with my recent bout with agoraphobia and its utter loneliness. Spending quality time with people I love and who love me felt amazing. Not to mention how much I love being near the ocean. I find it so healing and peaceful. So here I am back in my apartment and back to reality. Back to the anxiety, loneliness and depression.

[sugahorse1]

I'm sorry to hear that - we are here for you and to keep you company. Try get out in the sun, go for walks, meet friends. Don't lock yourself up in your flat - keep in touch with people.

I am glad you had those great experiences.

Just because you are home doesn't mean they have to end. You call this apartment and feelings of loneliness your "reality". Well, some of it comes down to choices. Will you choose to stay home alone, or will you make an effort to get out more? What if you could join a community group that you're interested in, or even just keep in touch with your family? Even going out for walks alone would be very beneficial, just to get out of the house.

I hope you'll keep us updated on how you're doing.

[ladylazarus]

Thanks for your support guys. It's difficult because my family means so much to me and being around them for an entire week reminded me just how much I appreciate and love them. They treat me with love and respect unlike the broken person some may see me as. I'm starting to feel a little better now. It's hard for me to get out though. My Effexor dose was just upped and I'm dealing with the adjustment anxiety it causes. It's really worsened my agoraphobia. Depending on how bad it is that day if I go out my hands shake sometimes even my legs when sitting. It's so embarrassing and annoying. Before my vacation I went to get a manicure and pedicure. I was shaking so bad the woman kept asking me if I was okay. It was so humiliating. I'm able to go out when my boyfriend is with me. I long for the day when I don't need someone to be with me just to go somewhere.

Here's to my treatment someday setting me free of this. I try to keep the faith that it will

[BlackPup]

Originally Posted by ladylazarus

Depending on how bad it is that day if I go out my hands shake sometimes even my legs when sitting. It's so embarrassing and annoying. Before my vacation I went to get a manicure and pedicure. I was shaking so bad the woman kept asking me if I was okay. It was so humiliating. I'm able to go out when my boyfriend is with me. I long for the day when I don't need someone to be with me just to go somewhere.
Here's to my treatment someday setting me free of this. I try to keep the faith that it will

My hands shake a fair bit at times (depending on meds and stress), my workmates know why and it is an ongoing joke, and they are helpful when I can't do stuff because of it. But, like you I get embarassed at shops etc. I hate the look on the 16yr old cashiers when my hands are shaking when I try to pay them... I feel so judged though they are probably not thinking anything bad at all...
I agree with Melissa, you need to take responsibility for your recovery and your happiness.
Life is not meant to be experienced at the intensity of your holidays all the time, there is an ebb and flow to it, the less vibrant times highlight the amazing times, with BP we experience a greater variation between the two, but even in "normality" there are quiet times and exciting times, enjoy this time for what it can give you, time to reflect, time to indulge in hobbies, time to strengthen and build up your reserves....
All the best for the challenges ahead and praying for your recovery.

[sugahorse1]

I'm sorry things are difficult for you right now.
I'm glad you are trying to get out and about and do things that are good for you and fulfil you.
I do agree with Blackpup that we unfortunately do just feel emotions that much more- the good and the bad. This is why it is so important to take extra care of ourselves - and it's by no means a selfish approach - it's a necessity!

Surround yourself with a good suport group, that can pick you up when the wheels start getting a bit wobbly.
Thinking of you

[ladylazarus]

Thank you all for your kind words and advice. I am feeling much better now. Ive been trying to set goals for myself. My agoraphobia makes this hard for me as it tends to cause me to procrastinate :/

To get myself out of the apartment I plan on doing some volunteer work at one of the local hospitals. I just have to gather the courage to actually get out and do it.

I wish you all Luck and Love