[Black Moon]

I have been married to be hubby for 8 years now and met him 20 years ago. He never really has anything to say about my BP. Does not read books etc just gets hurt and upset when I get angry / aggressive / down etc. He always seems to think that I don't love him and when I am needing someone to help me cope I find myself having to help him and I resent him for this. He is a good husband but is very needy and I have to act strong to keep him together. I deal with all the finances (that is why we have no money cause I spend it faster than we earn it), I make all the decisions, do all the shopping etc and I HATE IT. I want someone to look after me. Am I being unreasonable.

[sugahorse1]

Mine is in denial. About me having a disorder, about me needing to be on meds, about me being more sensitive, about me being affected by him.
But I make a point of reminding him regularly

[blueoctober]

Hi Blackmoon, have you considered seeing a couples counselor? Has he ever sat in on an appointment with your p-doc? I took a bp education group when I was first diagnosed and there were quite a few family members and spouses there. You may want to see if they offer one in your area.

On a side note even if a friend, partner, family member reads up on the subject it certainly can help, but sometimes people just don't get it unless they actually experience it themselves. Just a thought.

[bridgie]

It seems normal for partners/friends/family to get frustrated/ hurt/ angry. I don't have a significant other and am not capable of having a long term relationship but with my family they get extremely upset and avoid me when I'm "moody" I'm sorry I have no answers but I hope things get better and you can find a solution.

[PT52]

Hi Black Moon, I won't lay out my whole story, because everyone here has heard way too much of it. But I will say my hubs is very much like yours - then add unreasonable anger when I lost my last job (not the first that's ended that way). I'm learning (thru an amazing book on DBT) to be in charge of my thoughts and my actions and not try to change his. This is where the paradox comes in - the less I try to change him, the more positive changes happen with him.

On a practical note, maybe you can start by showing him where he can help you. You talked about finances and your difficulty handling them; is it possible you can sit down with him and work on them together? I've noticed most men like to fix things, and since they can't fix BP, it helps to give them things they can fix. Good luck and come here anytime you need some support!

[vjdragonfly]

I guess I'm lucky, my husband is very supportive and looks the other way when I am in one of my moods. He has learned to take things in stride and loves me despite my illness. Have you ever asked your husband to read up on your condition? Try bringing a book home on it and maybe he will be willing to learn more. It is possible couples counseling would help if he would be willing to go. I know bp is difficult on us and on our loved ones. Wishing the best and hope you can work things out with your husband.

[thinker22]

My partner and I have been together for 6 years, but knew each other for 8. The first 3 years of our relationship I was mostly in a hypomanic to manic episode. We drank a lot and wrote a lot. I would only get depressions for a few weeks at a time once a year. I used to go to work while he stayed home and cook every meal and do many of the household chores. Now in the past 3 years I have been in an almost constant depressed phase. We don't drink any more, he does all the cooking and cleaning, I only work one day a week and he works 70 hours a week. I've had two hypomanic/manic episodes. One last summer and one in May of '08. So it's a total reverse. Only starting to come out of this episode and afraid I'll crash again. I feel like a total burden on him, but he doesn't treat me that way. He knows only meds and therapy can help my disease, so he gives me space when I feel low and is always there to offer a hug when I'm in need of one. He doesn't try to fix me. I feel very lucky to have someone who loves me no matter what state I'm in. We've probably had less than 5 serious arguments in the whole time we've been together. And we always make up pretty quickly afterward. Of all the relationships he's been in, he thinks being with me is the easiest. (What does that say about all those other women?!) He offers advice sometimes, but only when I solicit it. I don't know what I'd do without him. Probably be in a state hospital. I'm sorry your guy just doesn't get it. How frustrating. All I can do is to send you hugs and hope that you can get into some counseling so he can understand what you're going through.

Originally Posted by Black Moon

I have been married to be hubby for 8 years now and met him 20 years ago. He never really has anything to say about my BP. Does not read books etc just gets hurt and upset when I get angry / aggressive / down etc. He always seems to think that I don't love him and when I am needing someone to help me cope I find myself having to help him and I resent him for this. He is a good husband but is very needy and I have to act strong to keep him together. I deal with all the finances (that is why we have no money cause I spend it faster than we earn it), I make all the decisions, do all the shopping etc and I HATE IT. I want someone to look after me. Am I being unreasonable.

Hi- I can relate to alot of your issues with your husband especially the financial part. I was just recently diagnosed with bipolar after decades of depression and hypomania. I also have books around that he has not looked at or commented about.He is in denial. I have just started therapy & have a med.evaluation next week. So while I can't offer you advice I am glad that you posted and am very interested in any advice that you get here. Take care &. I am sending you a hug

[BlackPup]

My hubby also tries to pretend the BP doesn't exist. I respect his decision to do this as he says he doesn't want to be my doctor, he wants to be my hubby. Also I don't know how well I'd take suggestions on my moods from him. He actively avoids educating himself about BP (or maybe just acts like it...) I think I like being able to leave the BP stuff to my doc, therapist and best friend who will always hear me out, don't have to live with me and don't care if I ignore their advice!!!
He does remind me about meds when I get sick or depressed (when I usually forget), asks about my doctors and he is kind, sensitive and forgiving when it comes to my moods. He also lets me know when my moods are affecting him opr he is struggling for some other reason. He is happy to let me use him as a sounding board when I am manic to avoid some of my more crazy stunts. The thing I like best is that while he is accomodating towards my needs he still has expectations that I will be better and be able to contribute to our lives. I think this has been really important in my recovery from the rlast few years which were really bad .

[sugahorse1]

Mine handles it a bit better when I'm in a mood and tell him it's not his fault, it's a typical BP mood thing. Then he tends to take a step back and rather ignores my ranting and ravings and definitely does not take any part of it personally