anxiety ridden

Why is it that sometimes I feel just fine, healthy, well rounded, feet on the ground and then.....BOOM!!! i'm on the ground. My self esteem is gone, I can't look at myself in the mirror and I have to tell myself over and over again that things will be ok, this will pass. I am still increasing my Lamictal, at the moment it's at 150 mg once daily. I'm not noticing any real change. As a matter of fact have noticed I'm less tollerant, more angry lately and very touchy. Has anyone had problems being on this med? I'm feeling confused. Maybe what I'm feeling is more behavioral than med related. I have a tendancy to lean too much on the person I love b/c I feel alone at times and have no friends. I want to make friends but don't know where to start. I've lived where I do for 3 years and other than trying to focus on myself making it out of a 12 year relationship and still learning to make it on my own for the first time in my life without children it has been super scary at times and I have a hard time reaching out. It's time to start but every time I have the oppertunity I mess it up somehow b/c I make some excuse not to do it. I don't know, all I know is there is some explanation and I'm not sure where to look. Any ideas would be helpful.

thanks

Hi kdclement; were you on a different mood stabilizer prior to lamictal or is this your first mood stabilizer. I had issues with starting on lamictal, but this was because I had stopped my lithium prior to starting the lamictal (I was on no mood stabilizer for 2 weeks). I am now at 200 mg twice a day (I take 100 mg am/pm)

Lamictal isn't as good at controlling the highs, so it depends what your symptoms are, but some people need an add on med like abilify. If you haven't already I would speak suggest speaking to your Psychiatrist about your concerns. I find therapy helps, but I can say when my meds aren't right it's difficult to have any progress with therapy, so for me it's a combo of meds and therapy.

Beth is right, it's really important to find the right meds. I also think some of the things you mention can definitely be improved with therapy.

This is a major life event! Taking that step into making it on your own is a huge challenge, even for "normal" people!

You can start right here. I'm still working towards getting the right combo of meds and I'm like you - I avoid social situations and my only real friends were my husband, sister and kids. I have found friends here, and it doesn't matter if we're all spread out across the globe - these are real friends, people you can count on to comfort you when you're in pain, to be honest with you no matter how much it might sting, to encourage you when you're afraid, to share their stories with you so you don't feel so alone, to be there for you every single day.

I'm glad you're here and I would be happy to get to know you and be your friend.

Oh, I am so proud of you... you identified that perhaps your problem is behavior related rather than med related. So many of us, even me of yesteryear, just wanted that magical set of pills to make me okay. Or abstinence from a set of pills. Or the right book. Or the right car. Or the next city. Or the next boyfriend. Or.... It is difficult to live in the solution rather than wallow in the problem and that you are seeking a solution rather than just meds is what gives me great hopes that you will enjoy a full and fulfilling recovery. You are right where you are supposed to be and so far ahead of a lot of our peers. I wont lie to you, it is difficult to do the hard, right thing but you will know in your gut what that right thing is. I have a number of thoughts for you
1) Support groups - I don't know where you are in WA but there are NAMI and DBSA support groups all over the country. When I am traveling and am in need of support and cannot find a NAMI or DBSA meeting, I will even go to an Alanon meeting. I find I have a lot in common with this group as far as their range of feelings and codependency (sounds like you can relate too based on what you said about clinging to your partner)
2) Church - I go to a very liberal church that offers support groups and classes of all kinds. I enjoy the music and find the preachers and the congregation to be non-judgmental and supportive. In fact, the way I found my church was that they host my DBSA meeting. Even if your background is fundamentalist as is mine, I find it easier opening up about my illness with people at a more liberal church.
3) Volunteer experiences - I have enjoyed teaching illiterate adults at the library. It is just a few hours per week and I really bond with my students. Another thing I did was volunteer at the hospital delivering flowers to patient rooms.
4) Take a class - (in anything) just to practice getting out and being around people. I started off with a ceramics course just painting figurines and napkin rings. The ladies would chit chat as they were painting the ceramics. You don't have to start off with something like organic chemistry or Conversational Farsi for the Middle Eastern Traveler. Remember, this is just to learn to have fun and be around people again, comfortably.
5) Find a cause that interests you and get active. Perhaps you love animals? Maybe you can help with adoptions at the ASPCA or coordinate with the local TV news to introduce a pet for adoption each week. Maybe you like art and there is a local museum? You can educate people by working as a docent (they train you) and you get to meet really neat people? I loved delivering meals on wheels one day per week. It didn't cost me much in gas but my seniors always looked forward to my visit.
6) Therapy is very important but there are many different types of therapy to choose from. Do some research on this website and ask around here in the forums what has worked for others. There was a psychologist named Albert Ellis that came up with a type of cognitive behavioral therapy called Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy. Once I learned the tools, I learned a whole new way of thinking which effected my emotions which in turn effected the way I chose to behave - leading to a positive outcome rather than allowing my behavior to be emotionally driven and irrational often resulting in chaos and impending doom.
7) One word... Facebook
8) Smile and say hello, until it becomes a habit... fake it til you make it. Be a friend to have a friend.
9) Keep coming back and keep posting... although you can neither see or hear us, that does not negate that we are all bonded by our common illness and will go to great lengths to help one another.
10) Choose a couple of people from the forms to message privately and really let them in. Get honest. Let down the facade. Let them get to know you. Let them criticize you in the name of love. Let them cyber hug you.
Keep in contact, regularly. We don't know "where you are" unless you are willing to love yourself enough to trust a couple of us enough to "tell on your disease". Once you tell on your disease, that takes away some of its power and the hold it has over you but until you build those relationships, know one will know you well enough to call you out and say, hey, I think there's trouble in Kansas, Dorothy.... whats up?

I hope I provided some ideas with some places to start. Keep coming back and keep posting. You will be in my prayers. Stick with the Lamictal, you are not at the effective dosage yet and they can always piggyback it with another mood stabilizer too. Its all going to be okay.
hugs,
ptk